I think my DS is gay, maybe even transgender

[Anonymous]

OP here. I never said that having men around is irrelevant. I'm not an idiot. I know it's important. I said that the question is irrelevant, because of the context in which it is asked in most cases. As if more men were around him, then this wouldn't be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I never said that having men around is irrelevant. I'm not an idiot. I know it's important. I said that the question is irrelevant, because of the context in which it is asked in most cases. As if more men were around him, then this wouldn't be an issue.

You are reading too much into things which just aren't there.

One poster asked what his father thought.

No one said that a man in his life will fix anything.

To act like having a same gender roll model in a child's life is irrelevant is simply incorrect.

The man could be a gay guy who is secure in who he is. It could be a grandpa, who shows him how loving, kind men are and who thinks he is amazing, no matter what. It could be a masculine uncle that shows him that it is okay to be a guy, whatever kind of guy he is, and that confident men do not make others feel bad for who they are, even if who the kid is is very unconventional.


There is value to a man teaching a boy how to be a man. It doesn't have to be society's typical man. It likely matters more if your son is going to live the life you think he will live.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you've gotten some good advice here (amidst the chaff) but more importantly I think your instincts are good and above all, the most important thing by far is how your son thinks you feel about him. And it sounds like he has a rock solid ally in you.

I would think that organizations like PFLAG and GLAAD etc... might well have some useful resources. But you also don't need to go crazy with that either - he's still quite young.

No matter what happens you are giving him the foundation and support that will ensure his emotional well-being. If you're able to manage/plan for/help him prepare for any peer level bullying that's great - maybe you even have a bit of an edge over some of us who would be less aware of what our kids might be getting bullied for. But regardless of that, I think it sounds like you're doing a great job and you probably have a sweet, sensitive and creative kid - regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

[Anonymous]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/transgender-at-five/2012/05/19/gIQABfFkbU_story.html

Petula Dvorak wrote about a transgender five year old.

[Anonymous]

The person/people harping on the "man in his life" thing are really derailing this.

OP, you sound awesome. It sounds like you're providing him the right kind of support and letting him lead the way. I hope he's in a good place at school where people will let him be who he is without giving him a hard time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I never said that having men around is irrelevant. I'm not an idiot. I know it's important. I said that the question is irrelevant, because of the context in which it is asked in most cases. As if more men were around him, then this wouldn't be an issue.

Couldn't agree more. All of my gay friends ( and I have many) came from a two parent households. Yes both men and women have important roles in child rearing but that certainly doesn't determine sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a single mom. Yes, there are male family members in his life. But, this to me, is irrelevant, & dirves me crazy when people ask. 100% of the gay men I know had both a mom and a dad. So, I don't see how the question, where's dad, or are there any meaningful men in his life is going to make any difference. He is who he is. Sorry, but a man can't "fix" this, in my opinion.

No one said anything about how having a man in his life will "fix" anything.

However, a loving, involved father figure, grandpa, uncle, etc can help him to learn to love himself, whatever kind of man he ends up becoming.

Saying that having a man involved in a young boy's life has no value or is irrelevant is naïve and narrow minded on your part. There is a great deal of value to your son to have loving adults of both genders involved in his life, especially since the life you think he will live is going to be one of a lot of heartbreak and turmoil for him.

I'm a gay male, grew up with a father, two brothers, two grandfathers, a few uncles, etc. They did NOTHING to help me love myself or accept who I was. Just making the point that just because there are males around doesn't automatically mean they're supportive.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a great mom. I would find counseling resources to help your son. Figure out if it's just a phase or not. I've read some stories in the news about families that supported their child living as the opposite gender if that's what he/she wanted. Perhaps look for books by such families.

You are doing the right thing by not forcing him and letting him be himself. I hope you don't change that.

Keep loving and accepting him no matter what, and see a professional to help guide you through this, and best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a single mom. Yes, there are male family members in his life. But, this to me, is irrelevant, & dirves me crazy when people ask. 100% of the gay men I know had both a mom and a dad. So, I don't see how the question, where's dad, or are there any meaningful men in his life is going to make any difference. He is who he is. Sorry, but a man can't "fix" this, in my opinion.

OP, I'm sorry, but why do you insist that the fact that you are a single mom is irrelevant? You may be denying an important truth here.

[Anonymous]

Children's Hospital has wonderful resources:

http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Id=6178&Type=Program&Name=Gender%20and%20Sexuality%20Development%20Program

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)

Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a great mom. Ignore the posters trying to derail this thread. PFLAG, GLSEN are good resources PPs have mentioned. Also take a look at truechild.org. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. thank you for all the wonderful and thoughtful feedback. I appreciate your encouraging words

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)
Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

PP, thank you for this thoughtful post, but in all honestly, as a parent, I find your words and thinking extremely disturbing. It is lunacy for adults to encourage a 7 year old who "feels in his heart of hearts" (what does that even mean??) that s/he was "meant to be" the other gender. They were meant to be exactly what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am a elementary school principal and recently worked with a family whose child transitioned from being a boy to a girl. (The child transitioned in clothing only as surgery or drugs for a child are totally inappropriate.) I got a great education about gender dysphoria. All children are on a spectrum in terms of their gender identity. Some children are born a girl and are very comfortable with traditional "girl" identified things. I have an 8 year old daughter that loves to wear her brother's clothes and mostly hangs out with boys. She does not say that she wants to be a boy. The concern for gender dysphoria comes when your child's happiness is centered around this identity. Children will do anything to become the other gender. They truly believe that they were assigned the wrong gender at birth, ie they have a penis and know that boys have a penis, but in their heart of hearts, they feel they were meant to be a girl (or vice versa for a girl born with a vagina but believing she really is a boy.)
Please talk with your pediatrician and look into the resources PP provided above from Children's Hospital. I do not know whether your child has this. What I do know is that there are many resources and many supportive people out there.

The child at my school transitioned between second and third grade and just before they moved to our school. Only staff members that directly work with the student know. The child is now in 6th grade and has been/is a happy, bright student. I am in awe by the courage displayed by the parents, the siblings and of course, by this child.

(And for those that think OP being a single mom is the issue, this family has 2 straight parents with one being in military and their other children do not have gender dysphoria. They are as typical and "normal" as they come.)

Good luck to you OP. You seem like a loving parent who just wants her child to be healthy and happy.

PP, thank you for this thoughtful post, but in all honestly, as a parent, I find your words and thinking extremely disturbing. It is lunacy for adults to encourage a 7 year old who "feels in his heart of hearts" (what does that even mean??) that s/he was "meant to be" the other gender. They were meant to be exactly what they are.

I didn't mean to disturb anyone. Actually, you're incorrect with regards to your last sentence. Gender dysphoria is a very real condition, and children really do experience it. Children with gender dysphoria do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. "Feels in his heart of hearts" is phrase to describe feelings so strong that you would hurt yourself to become the opposite gender. It's not a passing phase or experimenting. I have listened to a mother talk about her 6 year old who was born a boy. He attempted to cut his penis because he did not want to be a boy; he felt he should have been born a girl.

It is not treated by telling the child to "get over it."

I invite you to read about it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Introduction.aspx
http://www.webmd.com/sex/gender-identity-disorder