The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you think they "won" exactly??

[Anonymous]

if the kids aren't talking to you as an adult or have a healthy relationship with you - you failed at parenting.

I had that helicopter mom (add a dash of enfantalism) and I don't speak to her. I cut and burned that cord 14 years ago and I haven't looked back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think they "won" exactly??

Bragging rights

Do people know longer believe certain schools matter in terms iof hiring or recruiting after graduation? The mock disbelief by people here is amusing. Nobody seems to know what OP is talking and would certainly never influence or assist their kids in any way. Sure!

The main issue is that the schools (and likely other associations and accomplishments) that matter are off OP's radar, and people like OP. OP seems rather ignorant regarding how the world actually works, IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think they "won" exactly??

Bragging rights

Do people know longer believe certain schools matter in terms iof hiring or recruiting after graduation? The mock disbelief by people here is amusing. Nobody seems to know what OP is talking and would certainly never influence or assist their kids in any way. Sure!

My company is headquartered in Boston. We do NOT hire from Harvard or MIT and the ones who are from those schools don't tell people. We have sr. people with (gasp) community college degrees. The company is thriving.

Our DC new hires are also not grads from fancy colleges but regular state schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

The doors are not exclusively located on college campuses, is the thing.

But those doors are always available. At what point are those other doors not open?

You are mistaken. Those doors are not always available.

There are finite opportunities to enter service academies, skilled trades programs (alone or as an adjunct to high-test liberal arts education), and particular niche institutions of higher education that may be better fits for a given person than the most elite colleges.

There are finite opportunities to prevent stress-mediated mental health problems that can last a lifetime (or end in death).

There are finite opportunities to be fully present in the life one is leading today, vs simply striving for a specific future outcome. This moment will be gone when that future arrives; it can’t be gotten back.

These are all doors that can and often do close while the focus is single-mindedly on college admissions.

You can't open all the doors all the time but you can't argue that pushing your kids to do their best and fulfill their potential closes any doors. And doing that doesn't close the door to service academies or trade organizations. Explain how after a parent doing their best means a kid can't go to a trade school? This makes zero sense. Sitting on the couch at home vs participating in sports, clubs, music, theater doesn't close any doors. Being a couch potato will certainly limit opportunities.

Such black and white thinking. Why are the options being a couch potato or being in travel sports/being over scheduled? It’s a continuum.

The black and white thinking is coming from the other direction with people claiming that unless kids are totally self motivated and seek out every opportunity on their own, even in 2nd grade, their parents are forcing them and are mentally unwell. Then the people come on claiming they did absolutely nothing for their kids and then went to an Ivy (decades ago). Get real. Lots and lots of people are doing the utmost to help their kids along the way and OP can see it. People are delusional pretending this isn't actually happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you think they "won" exactly??

Bragging rights

Do people know longer believe certain schools matter in terms iof hiring or recruiting after graduation? The mock disbelief by people here is amusing. Nobody seems to know what OP is talking and would certainly never influence or assist their kids in any way. Sure!

The main issue is that the schools (and likely other associations and accomplishments) that matter are off OP's radar, and people like OP. OP seems rather ignorant regarding how the world actually works, IRL.

OP was happy to muddle along and follow her kids' lead. People made a mistake when they automatically assume the cream rises to the top. That's not actually how the world works anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

The doors are not exclusively located on college campuses, is the thing.

But those doors are always available. At what point are those other doors not open?

You are mistaken. Those doors are not always available.

There are finite opportunities to enter service academies, skilled trades programs (alone or as an adjunct to high-test liberal arts education), and particular niche institutions of higher education that may be better fits for a given person than the most elite colleges.

There are finite opportunities to prevent stress-mediated mental health problems that can last a lifetime (or end in death).

There are finite opportunities to be fully present in the life one is leading today, vs simply striving for a specific future outcome. This moment will be gone when that future arrives; it can’t be gotten back.

These are all doors that can and often do close while the focus is single-mindedly on college admissions.

You can't open all the doors all the time but you can't argue that pushing your kids to do their best and fulfill their potential closes any doors. And doing that doesn't close the door to service academies or trade organizations. Explain how after a parent doing their best means a kid can't go to a trade school? This makes zero sense. Sitting on the couch at home vs participating in sports, clubs, music, theater doesn't close any doors. Being a couch potato will certainly limit opportunities.

Such black and white thinking. Why are the options being a couch potato or being in travel sports/being over scheduled? It’s a continuum.

The black and white thinking is coming from the other direction with people claiming that unless kids are totally self motivated and seek out every opportunity on their own, even in 2nd grade, their parents are forcing them and are mentally unwell. Then the people come on claiming they did absolutely nothing for their kids and then went to an Ivy (decades ago). Get real. Lots and lots of people are doing the utmost to help their kids along the way and OP can see it. People are delusional pretending this isn't actually happening.

Help your child to help them maximize their potential. The problem is "helping" your child for the sole purpose of reaching some elite threshold and anything less then that is failure. Life isn't D1 scholarship+ Ivies or bust.

[Anonymous]

Met a kid great career and he only talked about going to Wilson (JR but Wilson when he graduated 10 years ago).

He was in the CS and doing well but never once mentioned he where he went to college. As you can advance in that field without a degree.

I asked where he went to college and he reluctantly told me Harvard. He said his career was stunted post college as he was the Harvard grad - either it was too easy for the Harvard grad or too hard for a new hire. His friends from Wilson who went to UMD and UDE; etc were doing more interesting things and advancing. He took Harvard off his resume and his career got so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

The doors are not exclusively located on college campuses, is the thing.

But those doors are always available. At what point are those other doors not open?

You are mistaken. Those doors are not always available.

There are finite opportunities to enter service academies, skilled trades programs (alone or as an adjunct to high-test liberal arts education), and particular niche institutions of higher education that may be better fits for a given person than the most elite colleges.

There are finite opportunities to prevent stress-mediated mental health problems that can last a lifetime (or end in death).

There are finite opportunities to be fully present in the life one is leading today, vs simply striving for a specific future outcome. This moment will be gone when that future arrives; it can’t be gotten back.

These are all doors that can and often do close while the focus is single-mindedly on college admissions.

You can't open all the doors all the time but you can't argue that pushing your kids to do their best and fulfill their potential closes any doors. And doing that doesn't close the door to service academies or trade organizations. Explain how after a parent doing their best means a kid can't go to a trade school? This makes zero sense. Sitting on the couch at home vs participating in sports, clubs, music, theater doesn't close any doors. Being a couch potato will certainly limit opportunities.

Such black and white thinking. Why are the options being a couch potato or being in travel sports/being over scheduled? It’s a continuum.

The black and white thinking is coming from the other direction with people claiming that unless kids are totally self motivated and seek out every opportunity on their own, even in 2nd grade, their parents are forcing them and are mentally unwell. Then the people come on claiming they did absolutely nothing for their kids and then went to an Ivy (decades ago). Get real. Lots and lots of people are doing the utmost to help their kids along the way and OP can see it. People are delusional pretending this isn't actually happening.

Help your child to help them maximize their potential. The problem is "helping" your child for the sole purpose of reaching some elite threshold and anything less then that is failure. Life isn't D1 scholarship+ Ivies or bust.

But without helping your kid, you'll never know what their limits will be. Point is, you definitely won't get there if you don't even try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But my kids weren't a breath away from an anxiety disorder and are happy people. I think that's worth more than going to a higher-ranked college.

OP here. I don’t think that was the choice. My kids were probably going to be happy either way.

The realization that I have come to is that I traded opportunities to improve my kids chances for easier weekends and less hectic weeknights.

At the time I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing - but that’s what I did.

If we had pushed math more would they have had a better chance at UVA and Michigan- almost certainly.

If we had done travel sports I don’t know if they would have played in college but they would’ve almost certainly made the highschool baseball team.

In the plus side I did have a lot more in the 529s than I would have if I pursued additional opportunities.

What gets me is I thought we were already doing a lot. We sat with them while they did their homework., they were always on a team I even coached a couple of their teams early on.

For the posters, who were saying that life’s a marathon, and not a sprint. I think you’re missing the point. A parent’s strategy is open as many doors as possible. It’s up to them to choose the door. I think the net results of not pushing harder in sports and academically was there fewer doors for them to go through

The doors are not exclusively located on college campuses, is the thing.

But those doors are always available. At what point are those other doors not open?

You are mistaken. Those doors are not always available.

There are finite opportunities to enter service academies, skilled trades programs (alone or as an adjunct to high-test liberal arts education), and particular niche institutions of higher education that may be better fits for a given person than the most elite colleges.

There are finite opportunities to prevent stress-mediated mental health problems that can last a lifetime (or end in death).

There are finite opportunities to be fully present in the life one is leading today, vs simply striving for a specific future outcome. This moment will be gone when that future arrives; it can’t be gotten back.

These are all doors that can and often do close while the focus is single-mindedly on college admissions.

You can't open all the doors all the time but you can't argue that pushing your kids to do their best and fulfill their potential closes any doors. And doing that doesn't close the door to service academies or trade organizations. Explain how after a parent doing their best means a kid can't go to a trade school? This makes zero sense. Sitting on the couch at home vs participating in sports, clubs, music, theater doesn't close any doors. Being a couch potato will certainly limit opportunities.

Such black and white thinking. Why are the options being a couch potato or being in travel sports/being over scheduled? It’s a continuum.

The black and white thinking is coming from the other direction with people claiming that unless kids are totally self motivated and seek out every opportunity on their own, even in 2nd grade, their parents are forcing them and are mentally unwell. Then the people come on claiming they did absolutely nothing for their kids and then went to an Ivy (decades ago). Get real. Lots and lots of people are doing the utmost to help their kids along the way and OP can see it. People are delusional pretending this isn't actually happening.

Help your child to help them maximize their potential. The problem is "helping" your child for the sole purpose of reaching some elite threshold and anything less then that is failure. Life isn't D1 scholarship+ Ivies or bust.

But without helping your kid, you'll never know what their limits will be. Point is, you definitely won't get there if you don't even try.

Agreed but I don't think a single poster has said don't try. You still have to actively parent but you don't have to try to engineer your kids lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met a kid great career and he only talked about going to Wilson (JR but Wilson when he graduated 10 years ago).

He was in the CS and doing well but never once mentioned he where he went to college. As you can advance in that field without a degree.

I asked where he went to college and he reluctantly told me Harvard. He said his career was stunted post college as he was the Harvard grad - either it was too easy for the Harvard grad or too hard for a new hire. His friends from Wilson who went to UMD and UDE; etc were doing more interesting things and advancing. He took Harvard off his resume and his career got so much better.

Some people get really weird when they find out you went to Harvard. Some people go out of their way to prove how people from lesser schools are better. They may suddenly think you are stupid because you went to Harvard. I never mention it in real life. On DCUM, I may mention it when the topic is on schools and I get attacked or people start calling me a troll or liar. DCUM also gets upset or offended if we have a high income, expensive home or our kids are also high achievers. Somehow we are horrible parents because we did well in school and our careers. Our kids are doomed and will fail in life because their parents and they may attend a top college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met a kid great career and he only talked about going to Wilson (JR but Wilson when he graduated 10 years ago).

He was in the CS and doing well but never once mentioned he where he went to college. As you can advance in that field without a degree.

I asked where he went to college and he reluctantly told me Harvard. He said his career was stunted post college as he was the Harvard grad - either it was too easy for the Harvard grad or too hard for a new hire. His friends from Wilson who went to UMD and UDE; etc were doing more interesting things and advancing. He took Harvard off his resume and his career got so much better.

Some people get really weird when they find out you went to Harvard. Some people go out of their way to prove how people from lesser schools are better. They may suddenly think you are stupid because you went to Harvard. I never mention it in real life. On DCUM, I may mention it when the topic is on schools and I get attacked or people start calling me a troll or liar. DCUM also gets upset or offended if we have a high income, expensive home or our kids are also high achievers. Somehow we are horrible parents because we did well in school and our careers. Our kids are doomed and will fail in life because their parents and they may attend a top college.

Life just isn’t fair to wealthy Harvard grads with nice houses and perfect children. Can’t get a break.

[Anonymous]

I just reread OP’s post and I don’t think trying to motivate your kids or allowing them to reach their full potential is hekicopter parenting.

My teens are very much in charge of their own lives. We help give them the tools to succeed. If anything, the parents who stick their head in the sand and do nothing seem surprised when their kids are not very high achievers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just reread OP’s post and I don’t think trying to motivate your kids or allowing them to reach their full potential is hekicopter parenting.

My teens are very much in charge of their own lives. We help give them the tools to succeed. If anything, the parents who stick their head in the sand and do nothing seem surprised when their kids are not very high achievers.

If your definition of being a high achiever is, as OP states, "playing sports at top colleges," then the vast majority of kids are not going to be high achievers. What a silly goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just reread OP’s post and I don’t think trying to motivate your kids or allowing them to reach their full potential is hekicopter parenting.

My teens are very much in charge of their own lives. We help give them the tools to succeed. If anything, the parents who stick their head in the sand and do nothing seem surprised when their kids are not very high achievers.

If your definition of being a high achiever is, as OP states, "playing sports at top colleges," then the vast majority of kids are not going to be high achievers. What a silly goal.

+1