Having an overweight teenage daughter is so hard

[Anonymous]

Start Mommy and daughter time and go walk the track together. get a gym membership and go together. Take a dance class and go together. Make it fun and do it together. She needs your support and I bet she knows your disapproval even thought you think you hide it. She will feel that you support her and you can gain some much needed bonding time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP this is very hard.

I completely understand.

But your dd will have to make the decision to lose weight on her own.

Yes, but that should not stop OP from trying to help her daughter now before she is disabled due to any number of likely serious adverse conditions that will develop.

Purposely having an insurance company send a letter that she is uninsurable isn’t helping. It won’t make her smaller. You really think that’s an effective way to encourage weight loss? Seriously?

This is funny. I'm a PP who has been overweight my entire life. This actually happened to me shortly after college...my parent said I couldn't be on their insurance anymore so I had to get my own plan. I was rejected based on my BMI. I'll give you one guess as to whether that spurred me to lose weight lol. And that was as an adult...any teenager is going to be like "Ummm, okay. Anyway. What's life insurance?" So at best it will be ineffective, at worst it will hurt the DD and the relationship because it's a f***** up thing to do to a person, making an insurance company do your dirty work.

You have independent proof of your condition. How you chose to react to that information was up to you. Because you chose to ignore the warning does not mean that OP's daughter will react in the same manner. You are an adult and it is your life. OP's daughter is a minor and in the care and custody of her parents.

Would you ignore dangerous behavior of your minor child ? Or would you try to help ? And if you try to help, would you seek independent professional advice from a qualified medical practitioner or would you coddle the minor child and act like everything is okay ?

OP hasn’t sought any healthcare (mental or physical) for her daughter at all.

OP here.
How do you seek healthcare for this (mental or physical) without conveying that it is a problem to the kid? Very curious how you would do this.

I have been very careful to not say anything to my kid. We don't talk about weight.


I mentioned my sons in one line (ONE LINE) and people are extrapolating that I love them more. I simply mentioned them because the first advice in any child weight post is always (rightfully so) "remove junk from the house."
We do remove most junk but the context of our family dynamic is that we can't fill the fridge solely with hard-boiled eggs and cheese sticks and cut-up vegetables. I have two kids who are in the midst of trying to put on
20+ pounds of muscle this winter (they are in winter conditioning for spring sports) and eat 4000-5000 calories a day. Anyway, No I don't love them more than my daughter and I don't buy a lot of things they might want out of respect for her.
I meet them all in the middle.

As to weight-she is about 5'2 and was a size 6 and now a size 12-14. So she's not obese but she's medically overweight..BMI is on the high end of the scale of "overweight" or her height. Now go ahead and jump on me for saying that my perfectly healthy daughter is not overweight.

I have to sign off now as I'm headed to an evening event.

This sort of weight gain can be result of her quitting travel soccer. She might be still eating like an athlete, but burning way less calories. It happened to my friend who quit figure skating. She gained tons of weight, but then it gradually went away as she changed her eating habits. I actually know few others who quit intense/competitive sports and gained weight shortly after.

[Anonymous]

+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Would you guys be fine with a kid who is overweight?
You're saying it wouldn't both you at all?

You wouldn't worry about the health implications?

OP, yes, it would bother me. I would feel just like you feel. How does your daughter feel? Does it bother her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

I haven't listened to Maintenance Mode specifically but I do listen to other weight maintenance type podcasts. Sometimes they are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise insane landscape. Stuff that focuses on maintenance, not weight loss, is the right way to go.

Maintenance first. Don't even think about weight loss. Lean into how to support her emotionally.

OP, I would find it hard too. It's hard for heavy kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I'm blown away by the responses, wow. I would absolutely be concerned because:

1.Society views overweight people negatively and people can be really horrible.

2. Physical health. I would be concerned about diabetes and heart disease. Overweight people also have issues with their joints (soft tissue damage) in the long run.

3. Mental health. Is she happy? How does she feel when she looks at herself? When someone makes a comment? This is what would break my heart the most for my child. My BF in HS was a bit overweight. She was stunningly beautiful and such a kind fun person. But kids could be so nasty and I sometimes heard comments (and noises) toward her. She was always so sad about her weight and felt embarrassed when we had to change for PE. She would not eat all day and then overeat at night. We went to different colleges and drifted apart, but we still chat on FB. She has become very overweight and has a lot of health issues.


Is having such a heavy school workload worth it? My DD is a sophomore who plays multiple sports. Her homework load as a freshman was way too much because she took all honors and had very little time to do homework with all the sports and activities. She managed to get very good grades, but was so damn stressed. When it came to choosing classes for this year, we looked at a more realistic plan. She's taking one AP class and one honors, and the rest are regular. It has been so much better. She breezes through her regular classes and her GPA + extracurriculars will be good enough to get her into a very good college when she graduates. With a lower school workload she'll be less stressed and maybe will enjoy an activity? It doesn't have to be a travel sport (so demanding). I get people that don't like to exercise (gym, jogging, HIIT), but love sports. I HATE the gym, but I could play volleyball with my beach league for 5 hours straight. Maybe there is an adult rec league in a sport that interests her? She is obviously athletic, so she could pick any sport up.

[Anonymous]

Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

PP didn't say "underweight"- she said she had a child with anorexia. I was only <90 pounds for a couple of years, but I was not OK healthwise. I didn't have a healthy relationship with food or with my own body for another 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3 to the now buried rec to listen to the podcast Maintenance Mode. Also Christy Harrison’s Food Psych. I also recommend her book “Anti Diet” as OP seems to have some food fear/fat phobia. Address that first so you can help your daughter with out damaging your relationship.

I haven't listened to Maintenance Mode specifically but I do listen to other weight maintenance type podcasts. Sometimes they are a breath of fresh air in an otherwise insane landscape. Stuff that focuses on maintenance, not weight loss, is the right way to go.

Maintenance first. Don't even think about weight loss. Lean into how to support her emotionally.

OP, I would find it hard too. It's hard for heavy kids.

It’s called maintenance phase and it’s not about weight maintenance, it’s a in-depth critique of the weight loss industry, intentional weight loss, and fatphobia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

Well you can say that, but it’s just false.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

PP didn't say "underweight"- she said she had a child with anorexia. I was only <90 pounds for a couple of years, but I was not OK healthwise. I didn't have a healthy relationship with food or with my own body for another 25 years.

Obese people have an even worse relationship with food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read the book How to Nourish your Child through an Eating Disorder- it’s basically a basic approach to “normalizing” relationships with food. EDs can be overeating as well as anorexia etc. the main point is to serve and model healthy options, be moderated in approaches to food and essentially just focus on health and appropriate things to say not about weight but focusing on having a balanced healthy relationship with food.
I say this as a parent who had an overweight kid and then a kid with anorexia. The anorexia is a million times worse.

Wrong. Being underweight is WAY better health-wise than being obese. Full stop.

And PP is why girls get anorexia.

Signed,
Family member died of anorexia

Again: being overweight is way more dangerous than being anorexic.

You’re wrong, tone deaf, and offensive. Stop posting this garbage.

Pp, I am so sorry. How heartbreaking. I’m sorry for the insensitive post you had to read twice now.