Responsibilities of Adult Step Parent

[Anonymous]

I just married two years ago and my wife has adult children/ grandchildren. Do I have any responsibilities to these people? I don't feel close to them and frankly neither does she. When the younger one got married last year we paid 1k for the alcohol at the wedding as our gift. We wanted to buy a home theater system for 7.5k and a third car for 25k and we just couldn't afford to do anymore for her and pay for what we want to do but the kids acted like we were being cheap. The younger daughter seems to have a chip on her shoulder now and the older one is worse. I feel like these kids are incredibly entitled to think that their mom owes them anything at this point. They both good jobs and in my opinion should pay their own way.

[Anonymous]

I think you know the answer to this.

[Anonymous]

You don't have a responsibility, but you may want to think about how your actions are viewed. A little bit of generosity from your wife towards her daughters may pay dividends in terms of your relationship with the kids.

I come froma a family where my parents (separately) either didn't have any money (my mom) or didn't prioritize helping me when he could have (my dad - when I was paying my way through college, having a baby, etc.). I turned out fine.

That being said, neither of my parents were buying luxury goods for themselves when I was desperate for some help. Sound systems and third cars? Luxury goods.

[Anonymous]

PP I'm not sure why it matters what we spend my money on. I thought 1k was a very generous gift. The older one who is a major
problem threw in my wifes face recently that she thought it was selfish that we had a 50 year old birthday party at a restaurant with a band the same year younger DS married. I was really annoyed because I paid for the party not DW and there is no way I'm going to let these kids tell me how to spend my money. If DW doesn't want to spend money on her kids why is this my problem?

[Anonymous]

Btw DW did explain this but went over like a lead balloon. Older daughter is more hostile than younger one and it is strained to spend Christmas with them. Why can't they just enjoy our company without expecting things?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have kids yourself? When I read your posts, it sounds like you are not used to "children" (I know these are adults). Kids are takers. They complain and they want more. This is how it works. They are not going to express constant gratitude to you.

You come across as a little crass when you talk about balancing a wedding present of one thousand versus your need for a 25k car. Maybe think about how that sounds to them? I realize it's "your" money but to this kid it's "her" wedding.

Why can't they enjoy your company without expecting things? Because you obviously don't like them. Clearly.

[Anonymous]

Nope, I don't have kids of my own just pets. I am still miffed at older one due to the way she acted before our wedding. We asked her to be a bridesmaid and she was miffed that we didn't pay for her dress. Who pays for bridesmaid dresses? The bridesmaids of course! It was a big honor that we made her such a big part of our wedding. She told DW that she thought the wedding was lavish. I think she was jealous too because I bought DW a 20k engagement ring. Do all adult kids think the world revolves around them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, I don't have kids of my own just pets. I am still miffed at older one due to the way she acted before our wedding. We asked her to be a bridesmaid and she was miffed that we didn't pay for her dress. Who pays for bridesmaid dresses? The bridesmaids of course! It was a big honor that we made her such a big part of our wedding. She told DW that she thought the wedding was lavish. I think she was jealous too because I bought DW a 20k engagement ring. Do all adult kids think the world revolves around them?

Given your proclivity for 7.5k theatre systems, 25k cars, and giant engagement rings, I'm guessing the bridesmaid dress was probably out of her budget...

[Anonymous]

The dress was only about 150 dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, I don't have kids of my own just pets. I am still miffed at older one due to the way she acted before our wedding. We asked her to be a bridesmaid and she was miffed that we didn't pay for her dress. Who pays for bridesmaid dresses? The bridesmaids of course! It was a big honor that we made her such a big part of our wedding. She told DW that she thought the wedding was lavish. I think she was jealous too because I bought DW a 20k engagement ring. Do all adult kids think the world revolves around them?

Wow, OP. You're really deaf to the way you sound. You're in for a long, difficult relationship and/or eventual estrangement from your wife's kids. I was going to guess that you didn't have kids or if you did you weren't close to them. I have to think your attitude bleeds over into other areas of your life.

My parents generally don't help me out at all, but my dad and his wife paid for my bridesmaid dress when I was in their wedding (at 23yo).

[Anonymous]

No we won't ever be completely estranged. Older kid has a wonderful husband who doesn't share her entitlement attitude and expects nothing in return. He will always stay in touch. The older daughter has been married for some years. The husband is so gracious. He will spend hours helping me with various projects which I know makes older daughter mad. Older daughter has young kids and both work full time and privately complains to DW that he doesn't have the time to help but feels bad about saying no. She will often call after he's been helping for a few hours with excuses with why her husband needs to come home. I mean he only spends about 20 hours a year helping us and I'm getting older with back problems.

[Anonymous]

Btw it is always the wife that complains not the husband..just clarifying my earlier comment.

[Anonymous]

You sound intensely aware of every financial move you make. Stop bookkeeping. Of course it's easier for the husband. You are not married to his mother. You are really emotionally tone deaf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No we won't ever be completely estranged. Older kid has a wonderful husband who doesn't share her entitlement attitude and expects nothing in return. He will always stay in touch. The older daughter has been married for some years. The husband is so gracious. He will spend hours helping me with various projects which I know makes older daughter mad. Older daughter has young kids and both work full time and privately complains to DW that he doesn't have the time to help but feels bad about saying no. She will often call after he's been helping for a few hours with excuses with why her husband needs to come home. I mean he only spends about 20 hours a year helping us and I'm getting older with back problems.

You do realize that "wonderful husband" is only biting his tongue for his wife's sake so that she still has a relationship with her mother.

OP, you sound like a selfish twat. I don't expect you to give them thousands of dollars, but your financial decisions and attitude (you called one daughter a "major problem"!) are just god awful. You threw a lavish wedding and couldn't help your young kid trying to make her way in life with a dress that YOU made her wear? F'ing ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No we won't ever be completely estranged. Older kid has a wonderful husband who doesn't share her entitlement attitude and expects nothing in return. He will always stay in touch. The older daughter has been married for some years. The husband is so gracious. He will spend hours helping me with various projects which I know makes older daughter mad. Older daughter has young kids and both work full time and privately complains to DW that he doesn't have the time to help but feels bad about saying no. She will often call after he's been helping for a few hours with excuses with why her husband needs to come home. I mean he only spends about 20 hours a year helping us and I'm getting older with back problems.

You don't want to buy them things but you expect the husband to help out because you're getting older with back problems? Maybe you should spend some of your money on household help.