Did anyone else marry a fairy tale man and have it fall apart?

[Anonymous]

So shocked at what my life has become. I was always considered good-looking and smart, came from an affluent family, went to a top women's college and then an Ivy League law school, met the perfect man there - hot, smart, also from an affluent family, totally great to me. We get jobs at firms in the same city, we're in love, we get married, everything is going great. Then this year, I lose my job because I haven't been billing enough hours and bringing in clients, and also find out that he's been cheating on me for 2 years, he claims he doesn't love me at all, and we're on the brink of divorce.

I am just not sure what is happening. My life wasn't supposed to go like this.

[Anonymous]

I didn't fall in love with a fairy tale, I fell in love with the real. Romantic love causes women to overlook what they don't want to see.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Nobody knows our marriage is a sham. We look perfect and happy and like the cookie-cutter American dream.

[Anonymous]

Somehow I find this thread intolerant and superficial. I'm sure that when life was "perfect" you were as judgmental of everyone else as your DH seems to be of you now. I'm sure you never even considered a man who didn't meet your list of expectations. You don't talk of shared values, interests or dreams. Even your description of DH has a "Me, me, me" tone about it in which you describe what you required before you even considered a guy to be worthy of you.

Now that you've lost your status job, you sound like you've lost your self-respect. Honestly, do you think that you are anything beyond a CV? Because obviously that's what you wanted out of a husband: someone who was "good on paper" was enough. There's nothing to describe his soul or character in your entire post.

[Anonymous]

Do ou have kid OP? How long have you been married? My brother, also a lawyer, had his first marriage fall apart somewhat like this after dating 7 yrs and being married for 3. He was dumbfounded as were all his family. They were revoltingly perfect up until the moment she moved out and refused all counseling etc. It was a very rough transition but they both remarried and he is very happy with two great kids and a much more interesting life than with his first wife. I always thought it was obnoxious when people said items so much better that it happened before kids but now that I'm married with kids I see how much more complicated it makes things. Whatever the case you can come out of this in a much better place even if the road to that place is unclear and rocky at times. Good luck And take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I can only tell you to hang in there. This will be of little comfort now but the perspective you will get from this period of your life will serve you well. Think about what will really make you happy, define it so then you can find it.

I have had a very normal life. Solid middle class family, good education, always have had solid jobs, home owners. Married a man for love and we are plugging away at our generally comfortable life with 3 lovely daughters. We've never chased the dollar and both have rewarding jobs-just not all that lucrative. Sometimes I wonder why we didn't pick big money careers or why we don't go to big galas or send our kids to fancy privates and hob nob with the rich and powerful. Then I look around and realize that our "normal" life is really great-this is what makes me happy.

[Anonymous]

Hang in their OP. Things will get better. I think nobody's life goes as planned; eventually the oddness of this world catches up with everybody. However, the oddness is both oddly wonderful as well as oddly disappointing. The wonderful will come again (and then the disappointing and then the wonderful and then... well, you get it...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow I find this thread intolerant and superficial. I'm sure that when life was "perfect" you were as judgmental of everyone else as your DH seems to be of you now. I'm sure you never even considered a man who didn't meet your list of expectations. You don't talk of shared values, interests or dreams. Even your description of DH has a "Me, me, me" tone about it in which you describe what you required before you even considered a guy to be worthy of you.

Now that you've lost your status job, you sound like you've lost your self-respect. Honestly, do you think that you are anything beyond a CV? Because obviously that's what you wanted out of a husband: someone who was "good on paper" was enough. There's nothing to describe his soul or character in your entire post.

I'm not the OP but this described me at one time. I can understand why you think it applies to OP.

I don't mean to be unkind, OP. I'm really sorry for your pain. I do think there is an element of truth to the PP. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to re-evaluate my life and choices in my 20s. I came to the realization that I'd chosen my career path for the wrong reasons (at least they were wrong for me). If you were fired for not billing enough/bringing in clients, that kind of law is not your strength or passion. You may have been conditioned by your upbringing/education to think it was 'the career' to aspire to but that's group think. I'm much happier in a career that is less prestigious, less high power than what I aspired for in my 20s. I also would never have considered dating my DH back then. He wouldn't have met my criteria for what I thought my boyfriend/husband should be. I know some people I knew back then wondered what happened to me. I could have done so much more, done better in a DH. But the life I have is the one that suits me best. As difficult as this time is for you and as much as it sucks, it's an opportunity for you to take a long hard look at your life and choices. You'll pick yourself back up and get on the path you were supposed to go - and you'll be much happier for it. You can't see it now but you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So shocked at what my life has become. I was always considered good-looking and smart, came from an affluent family, went to a top women's college and then an Ivy League law school, met the perfect man there - hot, smart, also from an affluent family, totally great to me. We get jobs at firms in the same city, we're in love, we get married, everything is going great. Then this year, I lose my job because I haven't been billing enough hours and bringing in clients, and also find out that he's been cheating on me for 2 years, he claims he doesn't love me at all, and we're on the brink of divorce.

I am just not sure what is happening. My life wasn't supposed to go like this.

Why? Was it supposed to be perfect or something? Welcome to the actual life where people get sick, lose jobs and homes, cant get any dates, get old, can't get pregnant etc etc. I am sorry for what has happened to you, but you are not special.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you Charlotte from Sex in the City?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you were lucky for a long time, but nobody is lucky all the time. It's called regression to average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Nobody knows our marriage is a sham. We look perfect and happy and like the cookie-cutter American dream.

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you Charlotte from Sex in the City?

Good one. Hope OP can see the humor in it, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't fall in love with a fairy tale, I fell in love with the real. Romantic love causes women to overlook what they don't want to see.

AMEN. There is the 'idea of a person' and the real person.

Also: schadenfreude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So shocked at what my life has become. I was always considered good-looking and smart, came from an affluent family, went to a top women's college and then an Ivy League law school, met the perfect man there - hot, smart, also from an affluent family, totally great to me. We get jobs at firms in the same city, we're in love, we get married, everything is going great. Then this year, I lose my job because I haven't been billing enough hours and bringing in clients, and also find out that he's been cheating on me for 2 years, he claims he doesn't love me at all, and we're on the brink of divorce.

I am just not sure what is happening. My life wasn't supposed to go like this.

OP, I'm so very sorry for what is going on in your life. It sounds really difficult and I hope you can pick yourself up and come out stronger than ever.

I think many people feel that their life doesn't proceed like they thought it was supposed to. I am not diminishing your pain, just want you to know you are not alone. As for me, I lost 4 babies in the womb. Really wanted 3-4 kids starting in my late 20s, but ended up with 2 children later in life because of the years of infertility. One of them is special needs and really makes our home life difficult. Plus I've had pretty rare health issues my entire life, and it will only get worse as I age. I may at some point be wheelchair bound. Sometimes I have to stop myself from wallowing in bitterness and concentrate on all the positives I've enjoyed over the years and to focus on gratitude for what I do have, not dwell on what I don't.

Hang in there. It will get better.