Two working mid-level professional working parents

[Anonymous]

DW and I are debating this and wanted to get some wider opinions.

We are two Feds, both work full time out of the house -- no telework, no part-time, both jobs downtown DC.

With two DC we are always scrambling, and every week there seem to be events or logistics required at our elementary school. There seem like a lot of SAHM near us (close in NoVa) but their working spouse is generally big law or entrepreneur.

Our debate is that I believe the logistics of having one parent 'home' during day dominate even two parent working households. Maybe some place like Vienna or Rockville or Davidsonville we would find more two mid-level professionals. But I believe you will generally have one spouse part-time or a teacher, working right near the home or having substantial telework days (or even WaHM). Or they live near family who can handle logistics while both working parents downtown.

Numbers wise we are talking 150k -200k income, good public schools. So how do people make this work and where do they live? Basically kids are in daycare or aftercare most of day and parents don't get to stop in for fun activity of the week. We feel bad when DC sees our absence while others there, but we live here now b/c it affords the shortest commute.

[Anonymous]

I am not exactly sure what you are asking, but wanted to let you know that as a SAHM in an area with maybe half and half SAHM and working parent households, I am in the school a lot, and I don't see the kids with two working parents suffering at all. They are totally fine. Do your kids complain about it? Many SAHM's are those with babies and toddlers, so they aren't in the school either during the day. But maybe I am not understanding your question?

[Anonymous]

Yeah sorry but I don't see your question. DH and I were both biglaw until I quit to SAH. Generally, yes, one parent has more flexibility to deal with family, home, kids, life, etc.

[Anonymous]

Hire help. DH and I are in the same position. I hired an after school nanny who drives DC to all the activities. I take leave once a quarter to go to a school event. That is plenty. If you can work AWS, then you can use that day.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but your post was a little incoherent. What are you trying to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are debating this and wanted to get some wider opinions.

We are two Feds, both work full time out of the house -- no telework, no part-time, both jobs downtown DC.

With two DC we are always scrambling, and every week there seem to be events or logistics required at our elementary school. There seem like a lot of SAHM near us (close in NoVa) but their working spouse is generally big law or entrepreneur.

Our debate is that I believe the logistics of having one parent 'home' during day dominate even two parent working households. Maybe some place like Vienna or Rockville or Davidsonville we would find more two mid-level professionals. But I believe you will generally have one spouse part-time or a teacher, working right near the home or having substantial telework days (or even WaHM). Or they live near family who can handle logistics while both working parents downtown.

Numbers wise we are talking 150k -200k income, good public schools. So how do people make this work and where do they live? Basically kids are in daycare or aftercare most of day and parents don't get to stop in for fun activity of the week. We feel bad when DC sees our absence while others there, but we live here now b/c it affords the shortest commute.

All (and I mean all) the double Fed couples I know stagger their work hours. One stays later in the morning and comes home later- they other goes in at the crack of dawn and gets home earlier. This has the added bonus of giving the kids some parent time with each parent. Figuring out a way for the early bird to stay late one night a week if they have to - helps. Once your kids get to ES, if they have an earlier ES start time, some are able to eliminate before school care but all use after care to about 4:30 or 5:00pm. IME and IMO, this schedule is doable with organization.

Doing small (and not so small) things like:

1)The early bird puts a load of laundry in before he/she early bird leaves in the am and having the late bird put it in the dryer. Then fold and put away in the evening. Rather than letting things get to the point where 4 loads have to be done at once on the weekend.

2) Hiring an every other week cleaning lady. It helps more than just haviong the cleaning done. You don't feel guilty about not cleaning because you know it will be clean in a few days. Teach the kids to wipe down the bathrooms - daily or weekly or in between.

3) Whenever you make something for dinner- double the recipe and put it in the freezer. Then you only have to "cook" every other night. Plan your meals- do easy stuff on heavy ativity nights or use on of the dinners you have frozen. Run your dishwasher once a day- in the evening. If your children are 3 or 4 have one of the kid set the table before they go to school in the morning. Have the other unload the dishwasher in the morning (as much as their height will allow - short ladders work very well).

4) When they are older, have a set place for your kids to do homework. If they do best in the their room, then have them do it in their room. If not, set up a designated area in the family room.

5) Make lists and only go grocery shopping once or twice a week. Plan your errands on the weekend - divide and conquer. Try to have a weeknight where you can get some errands done.

6) Set up Friday night to be family pizza night (make homemade- easy fixings from Trader Joes) or pick up. Have a date night at least every other week - even if it is lunch.

7) Cull the number of activities. 2 per kid. If you find you can do more you can add one more per kid. This works for almost every age.

8) Are either of your workplaces near shopping- you may be able to do some the errands over your lunch hours.

9) Have each parent plan two full vacation days to be "special activity" days. You can usually work it so that you only have to take a half day to participate- then each parent can go to 3-4 "special days" each year. This is more than enough.

10) Try to have each parent set aside time to read to each child every day. This is helpful with learning, the parent/child relationship and helps calm and slow things down and offers a nice transition from frenetic day to calming/soothing time. It is helpful for both the parent and the child to slow down.

11) Sweep the kitchen floor every night. Kids can help with this too (although yoiu may need to do it again after they are in bed until they master it).

Is it possible to have the daycare be close to your work, rather than your home? When I worked downtown near L'Enfant, my DC was in the DOE day care center. I could come during the day for "special events" and go back to work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for rambling, I have been sick do I am muddled headed.

Thanks for responses. Insightful. Unfortunately some of your tips won't apply (Like neither of us is anywhere near shopping at work, we really don't do any activities). But I am heartened to hear kids are okay with parents not there (though yes DC has been asking us to come).

To try to clarify my question:

How common are two full time, WAHM, working professional parents without family nearby and both commute 30+ min to work? And where are such households? My theory is one parent will downshift or work close to home. Or I guess they hire a nanny/driver?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I live in Bethesda and work downtown - 20 min commute in, over 30 coming home most nights. No family in area; no domestic help. We do lots of what 21:23 suggests, including taking long lunches to volunteer at school and staggering work hours. Kids are 7 and 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I live in Bethesda and work downtown - 20 min commute in, over 30 coming home most nights. No family in area; no domestic help. We do lots of what 21:23 suggests, including taking long lunches to volunteer at school and staggering work hours. Kids are 7 and 5.

+1. Not Bethesda though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To try to clarify my question:

How common are two full time, WAHM, working professional parents without family nearby and both commute 30+ min to work? And where are such households? My theory is one parent will downshift or work close to home. Or I guess they hire a nanny/driver?

I really think this is fairly common, and yes it is extremely challenging, and no it doesn't work well. I think your problem would get much worse though if you moved further out thereby lengthening your commutes.

This describes us until a few months ago. Then we added a 3rd child and i downshifted at work. I took a position where I could telecommute multiple times a week. This makes a substantial difference. If you are both feds, why can't you telecommute? I would seriously consider switching to a position where you can telecommute. I also set my hours so that the days I am in the office are shorter days, and I work longer days at home. Not having to commute a few days a week means that I can spend my lunch hour going to the grocery store. I can usually fold laundry on work phone calls. I can arrange for deliveries, what have you, for my teleworking days.

Before I made this change- I was very worked up at the thought of stepping out of my career path. Now that I have done it-- it just doesn't matter to me. Our lives are so much more peaceful (even with the additional child!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for rambling, I have been sick do I am muddled headed.

Thanks for responses. Insightful. Unfortunately some of your tips won't apply (Like neither of us is anywhere near shopping at work, we really don't do any activities). But I am heartened to hear kids are okay with parents not there (though yes DC has been asking us to come).

To try to clarify my question:

How common are two full time, WAHM, working professional parents without family nearby and both commute 30+ min to work? And where are such households? My theory is one parent will downshift or work close to home. Or I guess they hire a nanny/driver?

IME, in the Chesterbrook/Longfellow/McLean area - it is the plurality if not the majority of families that are two full time working with little/no family support and 30 minute (or so) commutes. I would add that once you get into later ES/MS/HS there is the added burden of aging parents (that are not near adding another complication).

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are like you and DH but our dynamics are a bit different. We are mid level professionals in the private sector making a bit more money but living in DC with two kids in private school. Our kids are in middle school and while we have good public school options, our kids have some special needs so we had to switch to private making the possibility of one of us staying at home not possible. I think because the kids are in middle school and they can stay after school and get homework done and play sports, it makes it a little easy. But, I am not able to volunteer much and they pretty much understand. My mother lives near by but is in failing health and I am dealing with her needs too although we recently moved her into assisted living. It's challenging but you make it work for your family. I never worry about what other families are doing or how they make it work. I just try to do the best for my family.

[Anonymous]

Op - both midweek professionals who work in DC but live in one of the areas you mentioned in your earlier post. In my area it is very common for both parents to work and communte to DC. It's hard! Running back and forth etc. we had to get a nanny to pick our child up from daycare since we can't make it back in time. Weekends are all about our child since we don't get as much as time on the weekdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:.

To try to clarify my question:

How common are two full time, WAHM, working professional parents without family nearby and both commute 30+ min to work? And where are such households? My theory is one parent will downshift or work close to home. Or I guess they hire a nanny/driver?

Most people I know with kids are in families where both parents work outside of the home and don't have family help. Commutes are typically 30+ minutes though the ICC has helped cut off some time for some families, but not for me. We all use daycare and we all pick a few days a year where we show up for school stuff. No one I know has a nanny but some of us do hire people to drive our kids to sports if practice is after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I live in Bethesda and work downtown - 20 min commute in, over 30 coming home most nights. No family in area; no domestic help. We do lots of what 21:23 suggests, including taking long lunches to volunteer at school and staggering work hours. Kids are 7 and 5.

Sorry but there's no way you get "downtown" from bethesda in 20 minutes. I work in DuPont circle and commute from friendship heights. This takes me, door to door, 25 min. Are you one of these people who only counts the time on the train?