Two working mid-level professional working parents

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM. I am in my children's school twice per week, but there most certainly are those parents in the school more often. I volunteer for one hour in one of my children's classrooms and an hour for an after school activity on another day. There are many parents who have regular roles there for the year (math helper, reading helper, etc.). One of my friends does twice weekly reading groups.

Parents are free to have lunch with their kid any day of the week whenever they want. They don't generally "help out." They just sit with their kid for lunch. Our school has an open policy about it. Anytime you want , you can eat lunch with your kid. I just do it on my kids' birthdays and Thanksgiving. But my daughter told me that one of her friend's moms eats there quite often (every few weeks).

I attend most all school events. Once in awhile DH takes off and goes, but that's rare. Last year my child was in Kindergarten and the teacher had a handful of events for parents. She usually did it first thing in the morning so more parents could attend, but there were always a few whose parents didn't/couldn't come. But I'd say at least 3/4 were there.

Every child is different whether they want you at the school or not. I missed one event last year because I plumb forgot about it, and my daughter is still talking about it a year later. My other child doesn't seem to care much if I'm there or not.

Perhaps you can ask the teacher for advance notice of party days or field trips and you can go over the calendar with your child and tell her you can attend two things, which ones would she like you to attend? Also, if you sit and explain why you can't attend, it might help, "Susie's dad works down the street that's why he is there more often. Brian's mom is home with her baby, that's why you see her at lunch sometimes. Your mommy and daddy can't take off work that easily but let's figure out two days this year when I can."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are debating this and wanted to get some wider opinions.

We are two Feds, both work full time out of the house -- no telework, no part-time, both jobs downtown DC.

With two DC we are always scrambling, and every week there seem to be events or logistics required at our elementary school. There seem like a lot of SAHM near us (close in NoVa) but their working spouse is generally big law or entrepreneur.

Our debate is that I believe the logistics of having one parent 'home' during day dominate even two parent working households. Maybe some place like Vienna or Rockville or Davidsonville we would find more two mid-level professionals. But I believe you will generally have one spouse part-time or a teacher, working right near the home or having substantial telework days (or even WaHM). Or they live near family who can handle logistics while both working parents downtown.

Numbers wise we are talking 150k -200k income, good public schools. So how do people make this work and where do they live? Basically kids are in daycare or aftercare most of day and parents don't get to stop in for fun activity of the week. We feel bad when DC sees our absence while others there, but we live here now b/c it affords the shortest commute.

Is 150-200 each or both of you together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW and I are debating this and wanted to get some wider opinions.

We are two Feds, both work full time out of the house -- no telework, no part-time, both jobs downtown DC.

With two DC we are always scrambling, and every week there seem to be events or logistics required at our elementary school. There seem like a lot of SAHM near us (close in NoVa) but their working spouse is generally big law or entrepreneur.

Our debate is that I believe the logistics of having one parent 'home' during day dominate even two parent working households. Maybe some place like Vienna or Rockville or Davidsonville we would find more two mid-level professionals. But I believe you will generally have one spouse part-time or a teacher, working right near the home or having substantial telework days (or even WaHM). Or they live near family who can handle logistics while both working parents downtown.

Numbers wise we are talking 150k -200k income, good public schools. So how do people make this work and where do they live? Basically kids are in daycare or aftercare most of day and parents don't get to stop in for fun activity of the week. We feel bad when DC sees our absence while others there, but we live here now b/c it affords the shortest commute.

Is 150-200 each or both of you together?

Together. Haha, if I made 200k we would be totally SAHM. Never really thought about money until kids came (we lived simply, 'grad student slums' for a while -- neither of us came from any money so had no inkling what real money means). Where I grew up houses cost 50k so getting close to 6 figures was initially amazing. And again, simple tastes and frugal lifestyle. But now for kids affording decent family housing with good schools without long commutes, well that takes real money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM. I am in my children's school twice per week, but there most certainly are those parents in the school more often. I volunteer for one hour in one of my children's classrooms and an hour for an after school activity on another day. There are many parents who have regular roles there for the year (math helper, reading helper, etc.). One of my friends does twice weekly reading groups.

Parents are free to have lunch with their kid any day of the week whenever they want. They don't generally "help out." They just sit with their kid for lunch. Our school has an open policy about it. Anytime you want , you can eat lunch with your kid. I just do it on my kids' birthdays and Thanksgiving. But my daughter told me that one of her friend's moms eats there quite often (every few weeks).

I attend most all school events. Once in awhile DH takes off and goes, but that's rare. Last year my child was in Kindergarten and the teacher had a handful of events for parents. She usually did it first thing in the morning so more parents could attend, but there were always a few whose parents didn't/couldn't come. But I'd say at least 3/4 were there.

Every child is different whether they want you at the school or not. I missed one event last year because I plumb forgot about it, and my daughter is still talking about it a year later. My other child doesn't seem to care much if I'm there or not.

Perhaps you can ask the teacher for advance notice of party days or field trips and you can go over the calendar with your child and tell her you can attend two things, which ones would she like you to attend? Also, if you sit and explain why you can't attend, it might help, "Susie's dad works down the street that's why he is there more often. Brian's mom is home with her baby, that's why you see her at lunch sometimes. Your mommy and daddy can't take off work that easily but let's figure out two days this year when I can."

I honestly think that the policy described above -- of a school allowing parents to come for lunch any day (!) -- is a bad one. Of course the SAHMs will love it. But for WOHMs, this creates an immediate feeling of letting your kids down. More importantly, many kids will feel bad because of this policy. Why have a policy that will have 50 percent of kids feeling bad?

My sister has her 3 kids in private school in this area, and I know she has said that the school limits parental visits during the school day. I am ok with parents in the classroom so long as they maintain the privacy of the children. It seems good to have a parent there supporting the teacher, although less ideal than just having a teacher's aid (the same person each day rather than a rotation of parents).

[Anonymous]

Of course the SAHMs will love it.

Yes. But their kids hate it. WOHM don't really feel they let their kids own because they see how disruptive it is and their kids, by 3rd grade, are embarrassed their mom is there every day. Even the kids are smart enough o know this mom needs to get a life.

[Anonymous]

OP, most of us don't have 2 inflexible jobs. I dealt with inflexible in my early years but once I had a good reputation and experience I moved jobs, closer to home and flexible. Also, more leave because I have more years in.

Somebody needs to find a job that is flexible.

P.s. go to 1 or 2 things a year at your kids school. Don't be THAT parent that is there all the time. Your kids will be better off for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM. I am in my children's school twice per week, but there most certainly are those parents in the school more often. I volunteer for one hour in one of my children's classrooms and an hour for an after school activity on another day. There are many parents who have regular roles there for the year (math helper, reading helper, etc.). One of my friends does twice weekly reading groups.

Parents are free to have lunch with their kid any day of the week whenever they want. They don't generally "help out." They just sit with their kid for lunch. Our school has an open policy about it. Anytime you want , you can eat lunch with your kid. I just do it on my kids' birthdays and Thanksgiving. But my daughter told me that one of her friend's moms eats there quite often (every few weeks).

I attend most all school events. Once in awhile DH takes off and goes, but that's rare. Last year my child was in Kindergarten and the teacher had a handful of events for parents. She usually did it first thing in the morning so more parents could attend, but there were always a few whose parents didn't/couldn't come. But I'd say at least 3/4 were there.

Every child is different whether they want you at the school or not. I missed one event last year because I plumb forgot about it, and my daughter is still talking about it a year later. My other child doesn't seem to care much if I'm there or not.

Perhaps you can ask the teacher for advance notice of party days or field trips and you can go over the calendar with your child and tell her you can attend two things, which ones would she like you to attend? Also, if you sit and explain why you can't attend, it might help, "Susie's dad works down the street that's why he is there more often. Brian's mom is home with her baby, that's why you see her at lunch sometimes. Your mommy and daddy can't take off work that easily but let's figure out two days this year when I can."

I honestly think that the policy described above -- of a school allowing parents to come for lunch any day (!) -- is a bad one. Of course the SAHMs will love it. But for WOHMs, this creates an immediate feeling of letting your kids down. More importantly, many kids will feel bad because of this policy. Why have a policy that will have 50 percent of kids feeling bad?

My sister has her 3 kids in private school in this area, and I know she has said that the school limits parental visits during the school day. I am ok with parents in the classroom so long as they maintain the privacy of the children. It seems good to have a parent there supporting the teacher, although less ideal than just having a teacher's aid (the same person each day rather than a rotation of parents).

I'm the parent who wrote that about open policy for lunch. We've been at 2 different elementary schools and one middle in two different districts, and they all have the same policy. I don't know that SAHMs love the policy. I never ate at the school for many years because I had younger ones at home and, as I said, I only go on their birthdays and on Thanksgiving when almost everyone goes. Last year, I did volunteer in my child's classroom and it happened to end right before lunch started so my daughter would ask me to eat lunch with her almost every week. I didn't, though, because I had things I needed to get done, but I did eat there more often that year - maybe once per month.

On a given day if I'm in the lunchroom, I usually just see a handful of other parents there (fewer than 1 per classroom) so I don't think it really makes the other kids feel bad because most of the kids are there without their parents. The other kids actually seem to like it when a special visitor is there and will often tell them stories, ask questions, etc.

I agree that parents should maintain the privacy of the children she or he works with. And most of the parents I see there are good, kind people who want to help out. And it really helps to have extra hands in the classroom. Last year, my daughter's class did book clubs once per week for an hour during class. The teacher split the class into 5 groups of about 5 students each - the teacher took one group, the aide took one group, and 3 parents each took one group (one parent was not even a parent from their class). I thought it was a great activity for the class and could not have been done without the parents' help.

[Anonymous]

Two fed couple also - one of you really needs to look for a more flexible place. They are definetly out there! AWS/RDO and flextime are great and really help out with managing it all. Have either of you thought of looking, even if it's a lateral, to a place with more flexibilty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of us don't have 2 inflexible jobs. I dealt with inflexible in my early years but once I had a good reputation and experience I moved jobs, closer to home and flexible. Also, more leave because I have more years in.

Somebody needs to find a job that is flexible.

P.s. go to 1 or 2 things a year at your kids school. Don't be THAT parent that is there all the time. Your kids will be better off for it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Of course the SAHMs will love it.

Yes. But their kids hate it. WOHM don't really feel they let their kids own because they see how disruptive it is and their kids, by 3rd grade, are embarrassed their mom is there every day. Even the kids are smart enough o know this mom needs to get a life.

Yes, I can't imagine that most elementary school kids really want mom dropping in for lunch all the time. I can't recall a single instance when I was in elementary school of a parents just swinging by to have lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two fed couple also - one of you really needs to look for a more flexible place. They are definetly out there! AWS/RDO and flextime are great and really help out with managing it all. Have either of you thought of looking, even if it's a lateral, to a place with more flexibilty?

They really do help, but lots of offices are a bit hamstrung by hiring freezes and are understaffed these says, so end up limiting flex schedules to have enough coverage during core duty hours. I work for DOD and flex schedules were really common a couple years ago, not so much now (also difficult to administer during furloughs because they come with a strict 8 hour work day limit). As a DOD employee telework's also not an option (need access to secure computers), which is a drag. So, I can totally see how OP would be stuck in an inflexible office. And there just aren't that many jobs to move to, these days in some career fields. My DH and I are thinking about having one quit our federal job and look for private sector work both for the flexibility and for the income boost.