Grandfather my dad has history of fondling women, live close by, and I have DD

[Anonymous]

My cousin accused my dad of inappropriately touching her as a teen about 30 years ago. I was very young when this happened. It was kept very hushed in the family though I remember going from seeing my cousin all of the time to like never.

Since everything was kept hushed, I was young and I ignored it. However, recently I was at a wedding with him and another relative told me that he had fondled another woman at the wedding. She complained to the other family member and my relative wanted me to know since I have a DD. I also talked with my sister who said she had friends who complained about my dad being weird around them. The weird thing is I lived with my dad as a teen (parents divorced) and he never did that with me or my friends. He did get Playboy which I thought was weird but whatever.


After the wedding incident, I told my dad that my DD will never be alone with him EVER. Unfortunately, he lives close by and likes to drop in. He is remarried and his wife told me that he had complaints from women at work too. However my dad and wife are trying to make me feel like a horrible person because of this new rule of mine. My dad is very self-centered but can be extremely charming.

I don't want to cause further rifts in the family and I feel bad about doing what I have done. He never fondled. I realize I may be overreacting but I'd rather have a dad who was mad at me than a DD who faces abuse.

Did I take the right approach?

[Anonymous]

No, you didn't. I would have never brought it up and just made sure that you or another responsible adult was always there with him. No need to tell him that he would never be alone with your daughter. He only drops by so not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Did you relate the not being alone with your daughter to his actions? Have you had a conversation about the fact there are numerous reports he has fondled women? I am not sure that translates to him being a pedophile but you need to do what makes you comfortable. And he obviously has poor boundaries. I would make sure however you make the connection that the not being alone is because of how he has acted inappropriately and you can't risk that.

[Anonymous]

I think you answered your own question and the way you handled the situation was fine. You could have just avoided without telling your dad why, but after seeing the older generation in my family suffering the fallout of decades of secrets and lies, I'm all about being open and direct about the big stuff (and to me decades of unwanted sexual advances is a big deal).

Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you relate the not being alone with your daughter to his actions? Have you had a conversation about the fact there are numerous reports he has fondled women? I am not sure that translates to him being a pedophile but you need to do what makes you comfortable. And he obviously has poor boundaries. I would make sure however you make the connection that the not being alone is because of how he has acted inappropriately and you can't risk that.

Yes, after every sentence I said he changed the subject like we were talking about the weather. He knows but never processes it. His wife did talk with me saying that he is just overly friendly and people take him the wrong way. He didn't offer even a lame excuse.

[Anonymous]

I hope you realize that you only know about SOME incidents. There surely are others. Think about that. MANY women never speak up, never report it at work, never do anything when touched inappropriately, so there likely are others out there whom your dad has molested. Because that's what he is -- a molester, and the sooner you can accept that (despite the fact he never touched YOU), the better. Sounds like his wife is also going to deny everything and defend him as "affectionate" and "taken the wrong way" by others. But you need to go with your gut. There is too much evidence that he has no boundaries.

Stick to your guns and stick to them for life. Do not, do not, do not think in a few years: "He's been fine around DD for years now. And he was fine raising me....Maybe he's aged out of it..." and so on. Keep up the vigilance.

In fact I would be asking myself: Other than the fact he's my biological father, are there other reasons I keep him in my life? (And the answer "Because the kids need a grandad" does not apply. Kids can function without a grandad, especially one who must be watched constantly.) If the main reason he's part of your life is because he's simply your father, you want a grandad for the kids etc. -- is that really enough reason to see him at all?

It worries me that you are doing what too many of us women are socialized to do: You're worried that you're not being nice and that you're causing trouble and overreacting. Please, for your child's sake, STOP second-guessing yourself out of fear that, to quote you, "I don't want to cause further rifts in the family." What the hell? You cannot put your child at any risk just for the sake of a rift-free family. Cut grandad loose if you must, but protect your kid first. You are already most of the way there -- do not let second-guessing and guilt undermine what you are now doing. At some point someone is going to say, "Oh, you're causing drama." You have to be able to stand up to that. Can you?

When you told him he could not see your child alone, did you clearly tell him that it was because you know he is a serial molester? He needs to know. And be prepared and don't worry about being nice or causing trouble. He IS going to be angry with you; are you ready for the blow-up? He will deny everything and throw fault on every woman he ever touched: "She was exaggerating." "That woman at work? She's hyper-sensitive and reports everything as being sexual." "That was just a hug I gave that woman at the wedding." "When I came along it was fine to hug and cuddle and now it's all seen as a crime!" and so on, and so on. Do not fall for it. His wife certainly has fallen for it.

Just because he never fondled YOU does not mean your child is off limits as she gets older. If she is very young now, do not slack up on your vigiliance IF you keep him in your life at all. She may not be sexually interesting to him now but there are many years to come as she grows up.

If you must keep him in your life, then watch out for family gatherings especially -- that's where it's easier for him to get girls and women off alone for a moment while everyone's eating or milling around. You can be present every second he's at your house on a visit, etc., but those large family gatherings are where he has the easiest pickings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you didn't. I would have never brought it up and just made sure that you or another responsible adult was always there with him. No need to tell him that he would never be alone with your daughter. He only drops by so not a big deal.

Wow. What a blasé attitude. So he drops in when dd is with the nanny, or alone if she's older, is pushy about taking her on an errand- he is Grandpa, after all, so no worries, right? He drops in all the time! He's clearly trustworthy. Then they're alone for all the time he needs.

[Anonymous]

The fact you say he's charming would make me keep my guard up more. Stick to your guns. They can't make you feel as bad as you would if he did something inappropriate with your DD.

[Anonymous]

PP 17:37- Thank you so much for validating my feelings in a way that no one... and I mean no else has ever done. I haven't talked about this outside of close family (I'm embarrassed) that wants to deny the problem. Even DH takes the kids over and doesn't watch them every second. It infuriates me but DH can't ever see bad in another person. IL's understand to an extent but I think they think I might be overreacting. Dad can be very charming when he wants. I interact with my dad very, very infrequently even though he lives so close. I'm perceived as the difficult one. I guess I've decided I could live with that over the possible alternative.

After I first told him kids were off limit alone, dad and wife wanted to take them to 100 per person kids show and these are the same people who will forget kids birthdays etc... It was like they were trying to do anything to get me to break my rule but they didn't. It hurts because I would love more than anything to have a normal family and let him watch my kids- but as a mom I need to protect them. Both of my kids are young but as they get older and can walk to dad's (he bought his house after me) are home alone I will worry. I dream of moving across the country.

Even though DC's are young they know they are no allowed to be alone with my dad. I've been as explicit as I could given their ages that grandad has had issues in the past and we need you to be safe and while grandad can be nice we aren't sure he is safe. My DD mentioned this to him while I wasn't around and he told her that your mom can be mean spirited.

I can't cut him off completely. He has serious boundary issues in other areas too but seeing him once a month for 10 minutes is okay. He is selfish most of time but he can be charming too.

[Anonymous]

By not cutting him out (you and others) you allow him to continue this behavior. He has hurt children. Why would you allow anyone like that in your life much less your child's? At a minimum I keep known molesters out of my life.

[Anonymous]

You've heard about it from so many different places. You absolutely did the right thing. Your daughters safety comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP 17:37- Thank you so much for validating my feelings in a way that no one... and I mean no else has ever done. I haven't talked about this outside of close family (I'm embarrassed) that wants to deny the problem. Even DH takes the kids over and doesn't watch them every second. It infuriates me but DH can't ever see bad in another person. IL's understand to an extent but I think they think I might be overreacting. Dad can be very charming when he wants. I interact with my dad very, very infrequently even though he lives so close. I'm perceived as the difficult one. I guess I've decided I could live with that over the possible alternative.

After I first told him kids were off limit alone, dad and wife wanted to take them to 100 per person kids show and these are the same people who will forget kids birthdays etc... It was like they were trying to do anything to get me to break my rule but they didn't. It hurts because I would love more than anything to have a normal family and let him watch my kids- but as a mom I need to protect them. Both of my kids are young but as they get older and can walk to dad's (he bought his house after me) are home alone I will worry. I dream of moving across the country.

Even though DC's are young they know they are no allowed to be alone with my dad. I've been as explicit as I could given their ages that grandad has had issues in the past and we need you to be safe and while grandad can be nice we aren't sure he is safe. My DD mentioned this to him while I wasn't around and he told her that your mom can be mean spirited.

I can't cut him off completely. He has serious boundary issues in other areas too but seeing him once a month for 10 minutes is okay. He is selfish most of time but he can be charming too.

Wait. How did that happen?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP 17:37- Thank you so much for validating my feelings in a way that no one... and I mean no else has ever done. I haven't talked about this outside of close family (I'm embarrassed) that wants to deny the problem. Even DH takes the kids over and doesn't watch them every second. It infuriates me but DH can't ever see bad in another person. IL's understand to an extent but I think they think I might be overreacting. Dad can be very charming when he wants. I interact with my dad very, very infrequently even though he lives so close. I'm perceived as the difficult one. I guess I've decided I could live with that over the possible alternative.

After I first told him kids were off limit alone, dad and wife wanted to take them to 100 per person kids show and these are the same people who will forget kids birthdays etc... It was like they were trying to do anything to get me to break my rule but they didn't. It hurts because I would love more than anything to have a normal family and let him watch my kids- but as a mom I need to protect them. Both of my kids are young but as they get older and can walk to dad's (he bought his house after me) are home alone I will worry. I dream of moving across the country.

Even though DC's are young they know they are no allowed to be alone with my dad. I've been as explicit as I could given their ages that grandad has had issues in the past and we need you to be safe and while grandad can be nice we aren't sure he is safe. My DD mentioned this to him while I wasn't around and he told her that your mom can be mean spirited.

I can't cut him off completely. He has serious boundary issues in other areas too but seeing him once a month for 10 minutes is okay. He is selfish most of time but he can be charming too.

Wait. How did that happen?

DD was playing in our yard and he walked over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By not cutting him out (you and others) you allow him to continue this behavior. He has hurt children. Why would you allow anyone like that in your life much less your child's? At a minimum I keep known molesters out of my life.

It's really hard when he's your dad and he raised you. It hurts.