Grandparents do not care about second baby

[Anonymous]

I finally had it with my narcissist parents and after a final blowout this October, I'm never speaking to them again. For the past few years, my parents have spent most of their time bad-mouthing me and my husband to my sisters, and treating us like garbage when we are forced to see each other in person. After a childhood filled with physical and emotional abuse, I'm done and a happy not to put my own children with these awful narcissists.

My husband was totally on board with this, but did mention that I have a hard time letting go of my parents. I don't want to go into all the horrible things my parents have done to me (gotten me sued, ruined my wedding, hacked into my email account, told my sister they would stop speaking to her if she spoke to me), but seriously I'm done. The problem is I am about to have another child. My mother had agreed to come help me with the new baby, as did my sister. My dad is too horrible to have in the house, and he wont visit as he finds dc "boring". Since the fight, I don't want my mother to come, and my sister won't come as she's chosen my parents over me (see above). I was upset over this as I wish my children would have two sets of grandparents and aunts, but obviously that isn't going to happen and they're better off not knowing them. Besides, my inlaws were supposedly going to come help.

Yesterday my mother in law told us that she was going to go to an art retreat when the new baby is due. My father in law is going on a business trip. Essentially they won't help. I know these were scheduled after they knew my due date.

I should mention that I will have to have a c section. Since my other kid is very young, I don't know how I will manage the stairs, double stroller, etc by myself. My husband has some leave (2-3 weeks? Less?) but afterwards I am afraid of how I will manage. My husband has decided that his parents are blameless for not visiting their grandchild, and I am at fault for not begging my parents to come. For me this feels like a huge betrayal as he knows the horrible emotional roller coaster my parents have put me through. I also think his parents are wrong for not wanting to visit their grandchild, especially since they promised me on more than one occasion that they would.

Just really sad. I'm sure I'll manage by myself again, but I feel so sad for the new baby too.

[Anonymous]

Cut off your parents & hire help.
Postpartum doula, nanny, night nurse, housekeeper any or all of those could help you, do not ask your parents to come they will not be helpful.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't have a good relationship with either of your families. That is unfortunate. However, many people don't have family in a position to help after a baby. You can and should hire the help that you need. Its great when you can get a little free help from family, but it is not a requirement of your inlaws to provide this.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why you expect either family to help you. This is you and your husbands responsibility. Most families don't have help and manage just fine. I did.

[Anonymous]

Figure it out. Plenty of women have two kids close in age and didn't have family to help. Ask friends or hire a babysitter to help.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I have to say that I do have a good relationship with my inlaws. They are good people. But the underlying theme in their family is that no one asks anyone for help. It's very strange. My mil was very ill a year ago, and no one told us (my husband calls once a week and I email them every day with photos). Allegedly they didn't tell us to not "bother" us. My husband feels strongly about this and says that by scheduling the work trips around my due date they were subtly telling us that they didn't want to visit.

I should mention that they feel very overwhelmed around my kids. They are scared by their energy, crying etc. they have babysit only a handful of times (maybe 3-4) because they just can't handle it if they start crying. So maybe they thought this was nicer than saying "I'm scared of your toddler"?

Should also mention that when they told us they repeatedly said how much they love both of us etc etc. I love them too, but I feel so abandoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figure it out. Plenty of women have two kids close in age and didn't have family to help. Ask friends or hire a babysitter to help.

Op here. Please read my post again. I mostly feel just abandoned by my family. I can hire people, friends have offered, and I will figure it out. But it is very sad to me that they don't think it is important to be there.

I should also mention that due to a medical condition, I don't "snap back" quickly from giving birth. It isn't like a normal labor like most women. Wish I could though!

[Anonymous]

Op again- and most of all, I feel sad that my husband is so willing to discount my feelings about my family (they are beyond horrible) just so he doesn't inconvenience my inlaws. That hurts the most.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are feeling abandoned by your ILs because of your abusive childhood. That's okay, but try to separate the two issues. You made a good choice to not rely on your family and you also need to respect the choice your ILs made for themselves. You feel abandoned because you are alone and really wanting family right now; that is grief and it is absolutely fine and reasonable to feel grief.

I agree with PPs that you need to hire help and keep the priority on you and your children. This situation is going to bring up a lot of stuff from your past (it sounds like it has already) and a therapist can be a great resource to navigate these waters of parenting young children after surviving an abusive childhood. The fact that you talk about how you are the one who is isolated by your family members tells me that YOU are the one who has made positive changes in your life and chosen a different way. Don't let their blowback pressure you into joining them in dysfunction.

Take care of yourself, this is amazingly hard stuff. You are not alone, though, you would be surprised how many people are struggling with the legacy of abusive childhoods. Really, this is totally normal stuff coming from your experiences, just give yourself compassion and room for your feelings. Then make a plan for the nuts and bolts based on what's best for you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has told you and you have seen first hand that your inlaws are not the helping type. It's just not something that's done in his family, and that's ok. It's who they are, don't take it personally or let it hurt your feelings.

It's important to remember all families are different so where your mother might be the type to stay for weeks and cook / clean (if she wasn't being so awful to you currently) your MIL is not that type of person. It's just like some people are the life of the party and other hate even going to parties.

Hire help & take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

If your husband is home to help for the first 2-3 weeks, that should be enough for you to no longer be in pain, assuming you have a normal c-section recovery. I would not push it with the double stroller - stay in doors as much as you can, even if that sounds depressing, it's just for a few weeks.

Is your toddler currently in any kind of daycare? Maybe your DH could drop the older one off at daycare so you only have a newborn to care for, which I know is still a lot but it's less than having to chase a toddler while tending to a newborn. If you have any neighbors who offer to help, take them up on it and say "actually it would be really helpful if you could take [toddler] to the park for a couple hours"

[Anonymous]

I'm not unsympathetic but the title of your thread is overly dramatic and incorrect. It's not that people don't care about the baby, it's YOU that don't feel cared for. I understand it's difficult not to have the family or ILs you want, grieve it and move on. By your own admission, your ILs are overwhelmed by your kids and in their family it's normal not to ask/provide help. That doesn't make it wrong, it's just different from your family of origin. I'm sure they do love you. I'm sure your family loves you. Doesn't mean they'll behave the way you want.

So, develop a plan on how you'll cope. I had 3 kids in 3 years. DH and I have no family nearby capable of helping. I had no choice but to reach out to friends and neighbors (BTW - I had 3 C-sections and only the last was planned). My DH had very little leave and what he did have had to be used to cover the times he was late/left early to pick the kids up a daycare. We were lucky his work allowed him to hold off on travel for a couple months until I healed enough to lift the kids, etc. I understand you feel abandoned but that's because your expectations aren't being met. That's on you to change.

[Anonymous]

I think someone who schedules a work trip during the birth of their second grandchild is pretty uncaring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think someone who schedules a work trip during the birth of their second grandchild is pretty uncaring.

Oh please... It's not their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to say that I do have a good relationship with my inlaws. They are good people. But the underlying theme in their family is that no one asks anyone for help. It's very strange. My mil was very ill a year ago, and no one told us (my husband calls once a week and I email them every day with photos). Allegedly they didn't tell us to not "bother" us. My husband feels strongly about this and says that by scheduling the work trips around my due date they were subtly telling us that they didn't want to visit.

I should mention that they feel very overwhelmed around my kids. They are scared by their energy, crying etc. they have babysit only a handful of times (maybe 3-4) because they just can't handle it if they start crying. So maybe they thought this was nicer than saying "I'm scared of your toddler"?

Should also mention that when they told us they repeatedly said how much they love both of us etc etc. I love them too, but I feel so abandoned.

OP, you really, really need to let go of your expectations and get some more realistic ones. Being grandparents means their child had children. It does not mean they will automatically be able to cope with young children themselves-- or will want to do so. It is entirely possible to love someone -- like a grandchild - and find that someone utterly overwhelming if you must care for him or her. What you see as "Here's their opportunity to bond with our wonderful young kids and they are blowing it!" might be to them a case of "The kids are great for five minutes but we don't have a clue what do with kids this age any more and we're worried we will upset Daughter-In-Law because we don't know which end is up!"

Try re-reading your own post. They have not been evasive or vague with you -- it sounds as if they have been pretty clear that your young children overwhelm them, period. That is not a sin, not a crime and does not make them bad or wrong. It means they are older than you, have done this once already (at least) and are done with that stage and age. They can love your kids and not want to babysit them; that may disappoint you but it is not something they are obligated to do, and though you may have nice notions of ideal grandparents -- your ideals are not reality here. These are real human beings, not grandparents from Hallmark cards.

You may just find that when your kids are older -- able to hold a real conversation; able to participate in activities that the grandparents can go and watch; able to play older-kid games and share older-kid things with grandparents -- you might just find, then, that these grandparents are just dandy with the kids and want to spend time with them. Some adults, especially older ones, are Just. Not. Into. Young. Kids.