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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

I have to say that I do have a good relationship with my inlaws. They are good people.  But the underlying theme in their family is that no one asks anyone for help. It's very strange. My mil was very ill a year ago, and no one told us (my husband calls once a week and I email them every day with photos).  [b]Allegedly they didn't tell us to not "bother" us. [/b]My husband feels strongly about this and says that by scheduling the work trips around my due date they were subtly telling us that they didn't want to visit.

I should mention that [b]they feel very overwhelmed around my kids[/b]. [b]They are scared by their energy, crying etc. [/b] they have babysit only a handful of times (maybe 3-4) because they just can't handle it if they start crying. So maybe they thought this was nicer than saying "I'm scared of your toddler"?

Should also mention that when they told us they repeatedly said how much they love both of us etc etc. I love them too, but I feel so abandoned. [/quote]

OP, you really, really need to let go of your expectations and get some more realistic ones. Being grandparents means their child had children. It does not mean they will automatically be able to cope with young children themselves-- or will want to do so. It is entirely possible to love someone -- like a grandchild - and find that someone utterly overwhelming if you must [i]care [/i]for him or her. What you see as "Here's their opportunity to bond with our wonderful young kids and they are blowing it!" might be to them a case of "The kids are great for five minutes but we don't have a clue what do with kids this age any more and we're worried we will upset Daughter-In-Law because we don't know which end is up!"

Try re-reading your own post. They have not been evasive or vague with you -- it sounds as if they have been pretty clear that your young children overwhelm them, period. That is not a sin, not a crime and does not make them bad or wrong. It means they are older than you, have done this once already (at least) and are done with that stage and age. They can love your kids and not want to babysit them; that may disappoint you but it is not something they are obligated to do, and though you may have nice notions of ideal grandparents -- your ideals are not reality here. These are real human beings, not grandparents from Hallmark cards.

You may just find that when your kids are older -- able to hold a real conversation; able to participate in activities that the grandparents can go and watch; able to play older-kid games and share older-kid things with grandparents -- you might just find, then, that these grandparents are just dandy with the kids and want to spend time with them. Some adults, especially older ones, are Just. Not. Into. Young. Kids.

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