Sexual Frustration as Romantic Motivation

[Anonymous]

My wife has a lower sex drive than me. So, (tmi - sorry) I take care of myself fairly often to make up the difference. No big deal there.

However, I got to wondering whether this creates a downward spiral. If I let more sexual tension build up in myself; I'm more likely to focus attention on my wife -- the romantic efforts, in turn, might make her interested in sex more frequently (though, it's very unlikely that it would increase her interest to my level of frequency.) On the other hand, focusing additional, lust motivated attention on her could simply end up being annoying.

I guess I could ask her. But, even if it were the case that the additional attention would get her revved up more frequently, I doubt she'd admit to being selfish enough to enjoy benefiting from my sexual frustration.

You anonymous people of the Internet need not be concerned about being perceived as selfish. So, what do you think ladies? Would you enjoy your husband more if his masturbation were off the table & you were his only sexual outlet such that he tried harder and initiated more frequently and more aggressively?

[Anonymous]

Every couple's equation is unique.

I would be over the moon if my DH initiated more sex, more frequently and aggressively - even if I was not in the mood.

But then it could be because as an avid reader of romance novels, I view sex as an extension of his love for me and my desirability.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to turn down you spouse when you are not in the mood and they are. If you love someone, you can feel very depressed not being able to meet their needs. So given your question as to whether you should try harder and initiate more frequently and aggressively, my answer would be a no.

That said, the more effort you make to connect with you wife (conversations, non sexual touching, thoughtful behaviors) the more she will feel warmth towards you and this might potentially lead to more sex especially if you mention (nicely of course) that you would really like to try to have sex more often. How far apart are you in terms of sexual desire?

[Anonymous]

For me, it wouldn't be romantic, just a reminder of an inability to meet a partner's needs.

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure my husband does this, which has resulted in him never initiating, which means that I have to, and he has difficulty finishing because he's so used to getting off the one way. None of which makes me want to initiate--I don't feel desired, or sexy, and he never makes the effort to seduce. Aggressiveness? No. But seduction? Would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every couple's equation is unique.

I would be over the moon if my DH initiated more sex, more frequently and aggressively - even if I was not in the mood.

But then it could be because as an avid reader of romance novels, I view sex as an extension of his love for me and my desirability.

OP - this is kind of what I was thinking. As it is now, my initiations are kind of lackluster, to be honest. Rejection stings in proportion to how much effort I put into the initiations. If I say, "wanna do it?" and she says "no," it's not so big of a deal. If I pick her up and start carrying her off to the bedroom and she says "get off of me" that hurts more. But, if she's in the mood, or at least open to the idea that night, carrying her up to the bedroom is much better than just kind of asking in a half-assed way.

As for the other PP, I think the non-sexual touching, conversations, doing nice things, etc. might be the missing ingredient in certain marriage dynamics. But I don't think that's my situation. I think we have a fair amount of that going on already. If I added more of that stuff to our current dynamic, my suspicion is that it would come off as weak, needy, and unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure my husband does this, which has resulted in him never initiating, which means that I have to, and he has difficulty finishing because he's so used to getting off the one way. None of which makes me want to initiate--I don't feel desired, or sexy, and he never makes the effort to seduce. Aggressiveness? No. But seduction? Would be nice.

The distinction between seduction and aggression is probably hard to articulate. Both involve more effort by one spouse directed at the other. Might even be that actions by a guy to whom your attracted are "seductive" while those same exact actions by a guy to whom you are not attracted are "aggressive."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure my husband does this, which has resulted in him never initiating, which means that I have to, and he has difficulty finishing because he's so used to getting off the one way. None of which makes me want to initiate--I don't feel desired, or sexy, and he never makes the effort to seduce. Aggressiveness? No. But seduction? Would be nice.

The distinction between seduction and aggression is probably hard to articulate. Both involve more effort by one spouse directed at the other. Might even be that actions by a guy to whom your attracted are "seductive" while those same exact actions by a guy to whom you are not attracted are "aggressive."

This is SOO true! I have a very high sex drive. I have two pretty regular guys at the moment, but one has a much higher sex drive. He's also hotter. I could have sex with him as much as he wanted everyday and wouldn't think twice about it. The other doesn't come quite so easily. I can rally, if needed, but don't bother as much.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in a very similar situation, though I am the wife. My husband has been going through a lot lately and his sex drive just plummeted (I won't go into details and just before someone suggests it, he is not cheating).
I am the only one who initiates and I would say he rejects me, or finds some kind of excuse "to postpone" about half the time. It makes me feel horrible. It has really taken a toll in an otherwise great marriage. I feel very unloved when it happens. Though rationally, I understand what he is going through, it is just very hard not to take it personally.
I sometimes just want to give up trying, but think that would be worse. So I keep trying. But just as you said, when you put effort into seduction and are rejected it's bad.
Besides masturbation, how do you deal with it OP? Is it really no big deal for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in a very similar situation, though I am the wife. My husband has been going through a lot lately and his sex drive just plummeted (I won't go into details and just before someone suggests it, he is not cheating).
I am the only one who initiates and I would say he rejects me, or finds some kind of excuse "to postpone" about half the time. It makes me feel horrible. It has really taken a toll in an otherwise great marriage. I feel very unloved when it happens. Though rationally, I understand what he is going through, it is just very hard not to take it personally.
I sometimes just want to give up trying, but think that would be worse. So I keep trying. But just as you said, when you put effort into seduction and are rejected it's bad.
Besides masturbation, how do you deal with it OP? Is it really no big deal for you?

Well, for starters, I probably don't have it as bad as a lot of people. We probably average about 3x per month or so. For a long period, through two pregnancies and the kids' infant/toddler years, it gradually deteriorated. It got to be about once every two months. After the kids hit school age, we had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations where I told my wife about my frustrations, made her aware that it was a problem, and let her know I thought it was something we needed to work on. This conversation made her sad; but there was probably no way around it. But I think it was a trade off of that short term unhappiness versus a lot of low grade unhappiness if things continued on as they had been. Because one thing I really worked on was not being passive aggressive or pissy when she did decline my initiations. First of all, that kind of reaction is not at all attractive. Second, it puts too much pressure on my wife. I don't want her to have sex with me just because she's afraid I'll get mad if I don't. That's not sexy. However, I think the sex life conversation was necessary; because I do want her to know that I regard a sex life as important. Just that, for any given occasion, I want her to feel free to decline. (However, if we have a long term pattern of near constant rejection, that's a problem.)

Because she realized it was an issue that should be addressed, my wife ditched her hormonal IUD after I got a vasectomy. (She had been enjoying the lack of periods, but came to realize that it might have been killing her libido.) In turn, I've tried to do what I can -- e.g., work out, dress better, be more positive when I interact with her (even if I'm feeling low energy and would be more inclined to be crabby). Having more positive responses to my initiations over the past year or so has made me feel a lot better about our sex life even without her being up for it nearly as much as me.

[Anonymous]

Guy here: I think you should try cutting down the masturbation and dropping porn (if you use any). I find this has pushed me to be more aggressive about initiating, which seems to be improving our sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure my husband does this, which has resulted in him never initiating, which means that I have to, and he has difficulty finishing because he's so used to getting off the one way. None of which makes me want to initiate--I don't feel desired, or sexy, and he never makes the effort to seduce. Aggressiveness? No. But seduction? Would be nice.

The distinction between seduction and aggression is probably hard to articulate. Both involve more effort by one spouse directed at the other. Might even be that actions by a guy to whom your attracted are "seductive" while those same exact actions by a guy to whom you are not attracted are "aggressive."

This is SOO true! I have a very high sex drive. I have two pretty regular guys at the moment, but one has a much higher sex drive. He's also hotter. I could have sex with him as much as he wanted everyday and wouldn't think twice about it. The other doesn't come quite so easily. I can rally, if needed, but don't bother as much.

You sound like a great candidate for herpes, or worse. When did you lose all self-respect?

[Anonymous]

I hope my husband's dick breaks and falls off while he handles his business. I'm sick of hearing about his needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty sure my husband does this, which has resulted in him never initiating, which means that I have to, and he has difficulty finishing because he's so used to getting off the one way. None of which makes me want to initiate--I don't feel desired, or sexy, and he never makes the effort to seduce. Aggressiveness? No. But seduction? Would be nice.

The distinction between seduction and aggression is probably hard to articulate. Both involve more effort by one spouse directed at the other. Might even be that actions by a guy to whom your attracted are "seductive" while those same exact actions by a guy to whom you are not attracted are "aggressive."

This is SOO true! I have a very high sex drive. I have two pretty regular guys at the moment, but one has a much higher sex drive. He's also hotter. I could have sex with him as much as he wanted everyday and wouldn't think twice about it. The other doesn't come quite so easily. I can rally, if needed, but don't bother as much.

You sound like a great candidate for herpes, or worse. When did you lose all self-respect?

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my husband's dick breaks and falls off while he handles his business. I'm sick of hearing about his needs.

Then leave.