Sexual Frustration as Romantic Motivation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not interested in having sex period. I'd like to live alone.

How is that fair to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not interested in having sex period. I'd like to live alone.

You should have come to that conclusion before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Hard initiation, soft initiation, be supportive, be unsupportive: nothing much works if my wife is asleep on the couch at 9:45 every night (and doesn't get up until about 7 in the morning.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard initiation, soft initiation, be supportive, be unsupportive: nothing much works if my wife is asleep on the couch at 9:45 every night (and doesn't get up until about 7 in the morning.)

Er, initiate at 9:15?

I mean, I'd see the complaint if she was out cold at 7pm, but surely you can find some time to initiate before 9:45? You know that's when she falls asleep if left to her own devices, so make the move earlier.

[Anonymous]

I guess. Put the kids to bed, then race downstairs to initiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess. Put the kids to bed, then race downstairs to initiate.

That's what i have to do to get any on weeknights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess. Put the kids to bed, then race downstairs to initiate.

That's what i have to do to get any on weeknights.

The Internet and porn is available 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess. Put the kids to bed, then race downstairs to initiate.

That's what i have to do to get any on weeknights.

The Internet and porn is available 24/7.

How is that comparable to a real live encounter?

[Anonymous]

Okay, so you have to put the kids to bed and race to initiate. This is a mild inconvenience and you have all the sympathy in the world for which mild inconveniences are due.

But if sex is still the end result, then everybody wins. It's worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, so you have to put the kids to bed and race to initiate. This is a mild inconvenience and you have all the sympathy in the world for which mild inconveniences are due.

But if sex is still the end result, then everybody wins. It's worth the effort.

I don't know if "everybody wins". What I know is that sex is so far off her radar, it's not even keeping her up an extra 1/2 hour. She's clearly not burning with desire for me. As the PP noted, a live encounter is better - for me. But it's probably selfish of me to bother her with it if it's not at all on her mind.

And she gets this 9 hours of sleep probably 4-5 times per week. So, lack of sleep doesn't seem to be the problem.

[Anonymous]

Is she depressed? That's a lot of sleep, and combined with no libido, could indicate depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, so you have to put the kids to bed and race to initiate. This is a mild inconvenience and you have all the sympathy in the world for which mild inconveniences are due.

But if sex is still the end result, then everybody wins. It's worth the effort.

I don't know if "everybody wins". What I know is that sex is so far off her radar, it's not even keeping her up an extra 1/2 hour. She's clearly not burning with desire for me. As the PP noted, a live encounter is better - for me. But it's probably selfish of me to bother her with it if it's not at all on her mind.

And she gets this 9 hours of sleep probably 4-5 times per week. So, lack of sleep doesn't seem to be the problem.

Maybe she's depressed, or anemic, or has hypothyroidism, or some other reason why she's so tired. And why would she stay up longer if you're not initiating anything? Perhaps she would stay up a half an hour every once in a while if you made it clear that you would like to be intimate, but if she's exhausted for some reason, she's going to go to sleep if there's no reason to stay up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a wife in your situation. I thought that letting the tension build up would lead to better relationship, but it just led me to being snappish. Taking care of myself regularly was/is the only way to avoid my husband getting the "upper hand" in the relationship. I still initiate 100% of the time, but I am more likely to do so at a frequency he can handle, rather than wanting it every other day, which annoyed him.

Why are you playing power games with a man you are supposed to love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my husband's dick breaks and falls off while he handles his business. I'm sick of hearing about his needs.

DW here: you're doomed to divorce with that attitude. Mine: DH's self-service doesn't bother me. We make a point of doing something sexual every other day. It's the key to marital happiness.

Romance is another thing. It's more time consuming. Sex is far more crucial. To me, help around the house, taking a genuine interest in the kids and compliments on how I look are all I need.

As for quality/quantity, quantity of sex really counts. Enthusiasm counts. How/what you do doesn't count, so long as you make an effort.

I guarantee this: if you hate and/or end the sex, you'll be replaced, either in a divorce or otherwise. I've seen it in friends, relatives and neighbors over and over again. Consider yourself warned.

Signed, happily married DW for nearly two decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know if "everybody wins". What I know is that sex is so far off her radar, it's not even keeping her up an extra 1/2 hour. She's clearly not burning with desire for me. As the PP noted, a live encounter is better - for me. But it's probably selfish of me to bother her with it if it's not at all on her mind.

And she gets this 9 hours of sleep probably 4-5 times per week. So, lack of sleep doesn't seem to be the problem.

It sounds to me like you're making excuses. I don't know if you're scared of rejection or just lazy, but you've got an answer prepared for every possible suggestion that might result in more sex between you and your wife. You're at the point where you're basically expecting her to:

1) Read your mind and know that you want weeknight sex
2) Act on this by delaying her bedtime
3) Show up raring to go at the time and place most ideal for you

This would be nice, but it's not likely to happen. This could be a stock response to 90% of the threads on this sub-forum, but it's as true here as anywhere: people don't just magically up and change established behavior.

If you want more of your wife, go and get her.

Of course you shouldn't need to be the only one to initiate forever and ever (that's not fair), but you've got to start somewhere. She doesn't think you're exactly burning with desire for her, either, if you're not in the habit of trying.

It's more work when you're a few years older and have a lot more responsibility in your life. That sucks. But you can choose to work with what you have or you can choose to mope passive-aggressively. Your call.