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[quote=Anonymous]the current phone call event is calling up all the problems in the overall relationship.

I have had the exact same kind of phone call with my dad. He just would not ever respect a boundary and so I know exactly how that feels. In that particular phone call, I warned him and then I said goodbye and hung up while he was still ranting. Months later he was still suddenly hanging up on me just to show me. So tedious.

But OP your instinct is exactly right - you will have to go through the mourning process for the relationship you didn't have and are not going to have. Chasing this dream of this relationship is screwing up your life and your mind - I did the same and went through the same. As you process through it, you will come to an acceptance of his limitations and letting go of your expectations. I bought blank books where I could just write about it when it got to me and I was brooding on it. Also found a counselor who helped me confront stuff that I was protecting but needed to face.

And yeah he sulked in his room on my wedding day, but he did give a decent speech and not embarrass me, and by that point that more than I expected of him so he exceeded my low expectation.

Through this I learned a lot about better boundaries, respecting and protecting myself but also giving other people space to be who they are, even if I disapprove.

Finally, I am using the lessons learned to be a better parent, be emotionally warm and say positive things to my kids, pay attention to them, ask them open-ended questions to hear their thoughts and let them experience expressing themselves and having it be valued.[/quote]

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