DH constantly putting me down, especially my appearance

[Anonymous]

My husband puts me down constantly. He does it in public and in private, and I think that he thinks that other people think he is being funny when he does it in public (no one does). I am sick of seeing other couples with whom we are eating dinner exchange knowing looks across the table, and sick of making excuses to my parents after he does it in front of them also. I am particularly concerned because we have a young daughter at home who is probably picking up on all of this and could/will? wind up in an emotionally abusive relationship because of it.

Some examples- he calls me fat all the time (I do struggle with my weight and have been overweight for most of our relationship, although not terribly so (size 10 or 12). I am currently not overweight but on the higher end of normal. Today he looked at me when I was baked and changing and said "ew, you are so pale, you REALLY have to do something about that" in disgust. Last night a friend made a sexually related comment to him about me and he responded that he was not interested (in me). For what it's worth, I think that 99/100 people would say that I am substantially more attractive than he is, even when I was heavier. I think this is coming from a place of insecurity, but it doesn't really even matter because I just can't take it anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried ignoring, tried snapping back right away, tried rationally talking about it later, tried insulting him back, you name it. I can't get him to stop doing this. We spent thousands on therapy and quit because it was totally ineffective and we could not afford it.

I guess I am wondering if this is a salvageable relationship? Assuming that he does not change (because I have no reason to believe that he will), is it more harmful for my daughter to grow up with this than as a product of divorce?

[Anonymous]

Regardless of your daughter, it is no way for you to live your life. I feel so sorry for you having to put up with that all the time. I know it's hard, but I would totally give that jerk his hiking orders. You deserve a LOT better. Anyone does.

[Anonymous]

It would be unacceptable. The very first time he did it, I would have kneed him in the nuts.

Why don't you give me your address, and tell me when you'll be out and he'll be home. My knees are quite pointy.

[Anonymous]

Not acceptable. What did he say in therapy? Not that it matters much if it didn't help.

It sounds like a miserable relationship. I would seriously consider leaving him. What would you tell your daughter if her boyfriend said things like that to her? Probably that she deserves better, and so do you!

[Anonymous]

Did he ever say why he does this? Is he clueless of social cues or have anxiety? A lot of guys joke like this and don't realize that it was funny in 6th grade and it's not funny now.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't funny in 6th grade either. Really. Never funny to humiliate someone constantly.

[Anonymous]

Was he always like this? What a jerk! Divorce him.

[Anonymous]

This is totally unacceptable behavior, OP. He is abusing you. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes and celebrates every bit of you, from head to toe. And your daughter deserves (and needs) parents/a mother who model a healthy, loving relationship. This is neither healthy nor loving, and I can guarantee it is negatively effecting your daughter. You sound very conscientious of your daughter. I assume you would never say something like "I'm so fat" or "I'm ugly" in front of her. Don't let your husband do it.

Had you not mentioned therapy, my advice would have been to issue him an ultimatum (stop cold turkey with the insults or I'm leaving you) and then some SERIOUS therapy. But since you guys have been down that route, and this is a very easy issue for your husband to control, I would not say this is a salvageable relationship. He is actively choosing to continue this behavior. I agree that this his insults are rooted in his own issues, but this is not an issue of addiction or mental illness. This is an issue of him not consciously choosing to be a supportive and loving husband, and actively working to resolve whatever issues he has.

I realize I've really gone on a rant here but I'm just so sad to think about a fellow DCUMer being treated like this. You really deserve better, OP, and you shouldn't be making excuses for your husband's behavior to anyone. He should be begging forgiveness. I wish you and your daughter all the best, and I really hope that you start taking steps to leave him because it will lead to a healthier, more loving environment for you and DD. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Sounds dumb, but have you tried an insult jar?

Every time he insults you, he puts money in the jar. Men who don't like parting with money get the picture quick. Otherwise, you'll have some money to leave him!

[Anonymous]

I'm the first PP, but I just wanted to add that I think it really would have a terrible effect on your DD to hear some of that. She'll most likely grow up and choose a man like daddy for herself. I'm sure you don't want that.

BTW, who was the guy making a 'sexually related' comment about you? Is he single ... ?!

[Anonymous]

Does he do this mostly when other people are around?

I'd have one last chit chat about it and then get up and leave if he does it again. Leave him sitting alone in a restaurant, home alone, etc. Tell him you've had enough and it will be permanent if he can't stop it.

[Anonymous]

You know this is unacceptable and that you need to leave him, right OP?

So, what's your plan?

[Anonymous]

To answer your final question OP, the answer is an unequivocal YES!!

I am not going to sugar coat it...Raising a child alone as a single parent is not an ideal circumstance and no child prefers living in a broken home.
But to raise your daughter in a home environment where she sees her mother being abused mentally/emotionally on a regular basis is just going to do much muchmore psychological damage to her in the long run.

Your husband is a careless + very abusive individual and he is very damaging to both you and your child.
Since you have tried counseling and it wasn't a feasible solution, then you have no other option at this point but to separate from this man.

Hopefully by leaving him and stating the exact reason why, he will see the light and change his ways. Maybe he doesn't even realize how mean he is being.
However, if he trivializes the fact that he is being a bully to you, then by all means leave him alone.

You do not have to justify to any of us on this forum that you are overweight by a little or not. That is beside the point.

The main point here is that your husband is belittling and humiliating you in front of others and this is blatant abuse.

For you and your daughter's sake, I truly wish you both the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I would be out of there. No way!

Explore why you are still with this turdwad.

[Anonymous]

Next time he does it in front of friends, ask for a divorce in front of everyone. Seriously.
Just have everything all ready before you drop the bomb. He's been firing shots at you all along and now it's your turn.