DH constantly putting me down, especially my appearance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time he does it in front of friends, ask for a divorce in front of everyone. Seriously.
Just have everything all ready before you drop the bomb. He's been firing shots at you all along and now it's your turn.

This is ridiculous. Tit-for-tat isn't appropriate either.

The appropriate thing to do is to announce you're leaving, and demand the divorce at home.

But you need to get some ducks in a row first.

[Anonymous]

Do you still love him? I can't imagine why you would....

[Anonymous]

Op, this article made me think of you. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html?ref=tw&utm_source=buffer&utm_campaign=Buffer&utm_content=bufferc237f&utm_medium=facebook

[Anonymous]

OP, this is not okay, and you know this is not okay, I suspect that after years of being worn down you are just unable to see how f-ing crazy this is. I liked that article the PP posted, I've read it before.

If you change, the dynamic will change. Your husband will learn you can't be treated like that, and it doesn't necessarily mean you will stay married but you will take control back. I think your husband has low self worth, and this is his way of trying to stay in control. I dealt with something similar (husband didn't put me down but had a long term affair which is another form of emotional abuse and definitely meant a lot of gaslighting and manipulation).

You can learn to stand up for yourself effectively. I think screw marriage counseling for now and get individual therapy - not implying YOU are in the wrong but it takes two people to keep a dynamic, he is wrong, but you can do empower yourself and keep it from happening. If he won't change you can. But I suspect he will change (my husband sure did, and if he can do it there is hope for any man - he was pretty far gone). He will get scared that these tactics aren't working and be forced to change.

I've seen firsthand what can happen when one person makes positive changes.

[Anonymous]

Calmly call him on it every time he insults you. Don't make excuses in front of others. Let him be the embarrassed one.

It sounds like you've tried to do what you could, but it didn't work. He is what he is. He's not good enough for you. Maybe he knows it, so he's always trying to bring you down. This won't change.

Make careful arrangements, and then dump him, OP. Why would you put up with this? It doesn't matter what you actually look like. No worthwhile man who loves and respects you would put you down.

Act now, because you know everything he says to put you down, your daughter will internalize. You need to work on building yourself up, so you can stand up to this kind of thing and avoid it in the future. You need to show your daughter how to deal with it, too.

[Anonymous]

You need to leave him, for both your and your daughter's sakes. He's destroying both of you.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. Thank you for all of the responses. I completely agree that this is unacceptable behavior and I would be horrified if a friend or my daughter were in my position and didn't get out. To answer a question that was asked, he has been doing this for a LONG time. Definitely since before we were married but I think it was pretty gradual. Started with jokes about aspects of my life and somehow, over 7 years later, here we are today. I am finally hitting my breaking point because of the fact that my daughter is now old enough to start picking up on what is happening, and also because I am hitting a milestone birthday soon and thinking about how if divorce is going to happen, I would rather it be sooner than later so that I am still able to remarry and have more children if I wanted to do so.

Why have I stayed with him? Well, like I said, it's been gradual. I also like my husband in a lot of other ways. After a rough start, he is a very good father (apart from all this). He also has a lot of positive qualities. He is a very hard worker, intelligent, and we are similar in many ways. In a lot of ways we are good partners and complement each other well- it's just that he won't stop this shit.

During counseling, it came out that he holds resentment against me for a number of issues. The birth of our daughter was very difficult for us as a couple and he was not stepping up to the plate at ALL in terms of helping out. (Clearly I hold a lot of resentment in this area as well). Anyway, I probably went overboard with the nagging and demands dring this time because I just did not know how else to handle his lack of assistance. and he pushed further away.

He also holds a lot of resentment from the beginning of our relationship. I was very very young when we met and he was already an established professional in our city. I expected him to hang out with me all the time - demanded it really- and he lost a lot of friendships in the process because he let go of most of his activities and started spending all of his time with me. As I became older, I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted and started to branch out myself with friendships and activities, but the damage had already been done on his end on terms of letting things fall by the wayside. I understand his resentment and I would probably feel the same way- however, it is time to get past it. He is great about talking about these resentments and basically just kept saying in therapy that he didn't know when he would be able to move past them. Plus, I didn't put a gun to his head. Yes, I was clingy, but this was a LONG time ago and I do not think that it is fair to judge me on my behavior from years and years ago. I do not judge him on stupid decisions/behavior that he made in his own life at that same age.

I also made a few comments to him at the beginning of our relationship (during arguments) that I was more attractive than him. This was clearly out of insecurity on my part, because, like I said before, I AM objectively more attractive and pointing that out is mean and stupid. Again- this is the behavior of a much younger, immature person. I can really see why relationships don't last when people meet so young (or when one party is young). You have so much growth in your early 20s and at least in my case, I am a totally different person than I was at 20-21. It is unfortunate that he caught the tail end of my immature years, but I can't spend the rest of my life suffering because of that.

I would ideally like to have a trial separation to give us both time to assess apart and to see if the reality of divorce is enough to stop his behavior. I just don't see how to do that in secret, and the reality is that once or family and friends know about a separation/potential divorce, I don't think it is possible to completely rebound from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to leave him, for both your and your daughter's sakes. He's destroying both of you.

This. Please get out of that relationship. No good can come of it.

[Anonymous]

After reading your second post, I can see you both have issues. However, it doesn't change the fact that your relationship is abusive and needs to come to an end, especially for your daughter's sake.

[Anonymous]

Honey -

You cannot change him. He has to see how damaging his behavior is and want to change for you and your daughter. There are some deep down insecurities for a man to act like that and he needs counseling.

Likewise, why would you ever tolerate that type of behavior from a spouse? You need to look at why you accepted it for so long and made excuses vs. of owning up to how it made you feel. His words are abusive. Until you demand better for yourself, you will not get better. Please see a counselor for yourself and get professional help to learn how to break the abuse cycle. You are worth it and so is your daughter. Otherwise, it is hard to get out of the mud and you are at risk for falling for other abusive relationships in the future.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to have a heart to heart with him and a counselor and let him know it has reached do-or-die proportions here. That you love him and want to save your family but you can't spend the rest of your life with someone who is mean to you. He has to change or he is going to lose you. And what does HE think would help him stop.

People do stupid things when they are young. Hopefully they grow and mature. You sound like you have. But it sounds like he hasn't.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like both of you are abusive only you make yourself out to be the beautiful one that's innocent. I have a feeling you are just as mean mouthed as he is.

[Anonymous]

I believe in a healthy relationship spouses should be able to point out flaws in one another, including weight gain etc. Your DH sounds nasty and vindictive about it though. Does he ever encourage or help you to lose weight (or any other habits he nags you on)?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he blames everything on you. If he didn't step up and do his part when your daughter was born, it's not your fault. What kind of man cares if his wife is more attractive than he is? And then puts her down about her appearance?

Blech. Just get out of it. Then you can focus on working on your issues and taking care of your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. Thank you for all of the responses. I completely agree that this is unacceptable behavior and I would be horrified if a friend or my daughter were in my position and didn't get out. To answer a question that was asked, he has been doing this for a LONG time. Definitely since before we were married but I think it was pretty gradual. Started with jokes about aspects of my life and somehow, over 7 years later, here we are today. I am finally hitting my breaking point because of the fact that my daughter is now old enough to start picking up on what is happening, and also because I am hitting a milestone birthday soon and thinking about how if divorce is going to happen, I would rather it be sooner than later so that I am still able to remarry and have more children if I wanted to do so.

Why have I stayed with him? Well, like I said, it's been gradual. I also like my husband in a lot of other ways. After a rough start, he is a very good father (apart from all this). He also has a lot of positive qualities. He is a very hard worker, intelligent, and we are similar in many ways. In a lot of ways we are good partners and complement each other well- it's just that he won't stop this shit.

During counseling, it came out that he holds resentment against me for a number of issues. The birth of our daughter was very difficult for us as a couple and he was not stepping up to the plate at ALL in terms of helping out. (Clearly I hold a lot of resentment in this area as well). Anyway, I probably went overboard with the nagging and demands dring this time because I just did not know how else to handle his lack of assistance. and he pushed further away.

He also holds a lot of resentment from the beginning of our relationship. I was very very young when we met and he was already an established professional in our city. I expected him to hang out with me all the time - demanded it really- and he lost a lot of friendships in the process because he let go of most of his activities and started spending all of his time with me. As I became older, I realized that this was not the kind of relationship I wanted and started to branch out myself with friendships and activities, but the damage had already been done on his end on terms of letting things fall by the wayside. I understand his resentment and I would probably feel the same way- however, it is time to get past it. He is great about talking about these resentments and basically just kept saying in therapy that he didn't know when he would be able to move past them. Plus, I didn't put a gun to his head. Yes, I was clingy, but this was a LONG time ago and I do not think that it is fair to judge me on my behavior from years and years ago. I do not judge him on stupid decisions/behavior that he made in his own life at that same age.

I also made a few comments to him at the beginning of our relationship (during arguments) that I was more attractive than him. This was clearly out of insecurity on my part, because, like I said before, I AM objectively more attractive and pointing that out is mean and stupid. Again- this is the behavior of a much younger, immature person. I can really see why relationships don't last when people meet so young (or when one party is young). You have so much growth in your early 20s and at least in my case, I am a totally different person than I was at 20-21. It is unfortunate that he caught the tail end of my immature years, but I can't spend the rest of my life suffering because of that.

I would ideally like to have a trial separation to give us both time to assess apart and to see if the reality of divorce is enough to stop his behavior. I just don't see how to do that in secret, and the reality is that once or family and friends know about a separation/potential divorce, I don't think it is possible to completely rebound from that.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm sorry that your relationship doesn't seem to be working out, and I'm so terribly sorry that your decision is made that much harder by the fact that you have a daughter. I have to say, though, if you have already made it clear to him through pleading, arguing, and counseling that he is hurting you when he insults you, as well as hurting his own daughter's development and self-esteem, it doesn't seem like he's currently very motivated to change his ways.
I really admire your perspective and the soul-searching that you've done, but when you're talking about him resenting you because you expected him to spend lots of time with you at the beginning of the relationship, I think you're missing something. Did you force him to abandon his friendships? No. Did you force him to be attentive to you? No. Did you force him to remain in a relationship with you? No. Did you force him to marry you? No. Listen, maybe you applied some pressure, but these were HIS CHOICES. If he resents you for HIS OWN CHOICES, that's a problem he is going to have to work out on his own.
I believe that everyone is responsible for his or her own happiness. If you need to find happiness without him, do it. Life is short, and you only get one.
I think a trial separation/long vacation is a great idea. If you always do the laundry, he might start thinking about changing his ways as soon as he runs out of clean underwear. Just remember, it takes two people to work on a marriage. If he can't find it in himself to put in the effort, walk away knowing that at least you have learned a lot from this relationship. You'll have the wisdom to find that person who will treat you like a woman should be treated.
Best of luck.