How do you know when there is no chance of things changing in a marriage
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Anonymous
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My husband did something very hurtful to me as he got very close to another woman while at the same time distancing himself from me over two years ago. I found out and things stopped, but even after things calmed down (the first few months were horrible), it seems that I don't have the ability to not think about what happened and convince myself that he was happier before I found out and is only staying married because of the kids and stability. He is trying, but every so often something happens that triggers the same feelings in me about how he feels about me.
Considering it's been two years -- and we've only been seven years and we have two small children -- I'm starting to think that I will never get back to feeling the same around him ever again. I know people get over much worse such as a true affair, but at some point I am trying to decide when it is clear that I will never get my feelings back. Does anyone have any tips on when and how they decided that things would never get back to normal after something like this or even worse (as I realize that this is not that bad relative to other things) when their spouse is doing and saying the right things to make it seem like a one time mistake. In this case, it is my feelings and my actions that are the problem and he is really trying. I just don't believe what is driving his behavior and convince myself every so often that it is just stability that makes him stay. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| Marriage counselor |
Anonymous
+10000 Now. Stat. For your kids' sake. |
Anonymous
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I don't know the answer to this question. However, I could have written your exact post.
My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and have 4 children. He has inappropriately texted 2 women that I found out about. In each case, he has given me a versed answer as to why. I don't believe he's been 100% truthful nor do I believe he understands how what he did makes me feel as his wife. One day while he was texting back and forth with another woman, he had me bring him lunch and I ate beside him. Little did I know that he was with me and talking to another woman the entire time while I sat right next to him in the dark. My husband is unwilling to be completely open. His phone is password protected and he will tell you that is because I will look through it. He now has a work phone, as well as his personal cell phone, so in all honesty he's probably talking to many people that I don't know about. I, like you, have asked him why he stays with me if he's so interested in talking to other women. He doesn't see it that way though and says that he is happy and loves me. In my heart though, I will never be able to fully trust him again. I am the type of person though that wants to walk in on my husband in bed with someone else. That, to me, would be proof. I don't have any intimate proof just texts but the writing is on the wall. I wish like hell I had a job. I would have been out of here yesterday if I had a place to go and could support my children. |
Anonymous
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Marriage counseling maybe, but first individual counseling for yourself. Figure out if you want to stay and are willing to do the work to save the marriage. If not, then when you go to marriage counseling it becomes more about managing the split. But try to figure out yourself wiht your own counselor what you want first.
Marriage counseling, if both of you are committed to being honest and working through the problems, can help you get past the hurt. I can't tell from your post if this is the only problem or not. Good luck OP with working through this. I am sorry about your pain and hope it heals regardless of what you choose. |
Anonymous
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I am 14:55.
I am currently in counseling myself and my husband says he will not go. My counselor, however, did tell me that everyone has a trigger. Your feelings of betrayal and things reminding you of this situation won't completely go away. My counselor told me that my husband needs to understand what those triggers are and make sure that he does everything possible to keep me from feeling like something is up. I asked if there was a way for me to stop having these thoughts/feelings that remind myself of what happened and he said no-- because I am human. |
Anonymous
How old are your kids? You need a plan to find income eventually. Even if your marriage works out, your complete financial dependence on your hubby is not working for you (or your children) in this marriage. Some SAHPs don't have to worry about this, but you're not one of them. |
Anonymous
6, 4, 3 and 1. I am a full time college student and will soon be back to work. |
Anonymous
What happened after you found out? Did you go to counseling? Did he explain why he got close to another woman? I agree that counseling may be very helpful, including individual counseling. OP, answer this for yourself - Why would you tolerate a spouse that has one foot out the door in a relationship? Sure you have kids, but aren't you sacrificing a piece of yourself to remain in that type of relationship? Work on your issues including looking into your past childhood experiences. The past repeats itself and people will only treat you as bad as you let them. Likewise, your husband has some serious work to do. What are the skeleton's in his closet? What was his childhood dynamic like? What was the trigger before he began a relationship with another woman? Birth of a child? New home? Issues at work? Why did he need the attention? If he owned up to why it happened and seriously took steps to prevent it from happening in the future, then perhaps you could forgive him. It would take work and he owes you to do the work. |
Anonymous
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It is possible for things to change, but there has to be willingness on both sides. In my situation, it took DH a while to come around to therapy, almost a year in fact and I was getting pretty close to walking out the door. I think he was afraid that therapy would just be me venting about my feelings and that he would get blamed for everything. He finally realized that damage that our bad relationship or possible divorce could cause our son and that was the motivation he needed to face what he'd done.
In the end I'm glad I found the patience to wait him out and now that we're in therapy things are getting better. We're doing IMAGO therapy, which I saw recommended here a lot and are finding it helpful. Good luck to you, I know how hard it is to get through something like this. |
Anonymous
| Anal s the answer. Get a strap on and drill him . |
Anonymous
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OP -
What did he tell the other woman? Does he know what was most hurtful to you? It sounds like you are holding a lot in and he probably has not come fully clean with you. You both just avoided the problem and hoped it would go away on its own. The unknown is what drove me crazy. It took my DH coming fully clean with all the details before we could rebuild trust again. |
Anonymous
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My DH had a full blown affair. I thought it was what you described, but turned out it was physical as well as emotional, and it lasted over a year (affairs can be hard to "catch" but they are often off and on. They were both married with kids and "tried" to stop many times, and would go weeks without contact etc., but then start up again). Anyway, until you've fully dealt with an affair, you would never say something so silly as to say that he is staying for the kids and stability. Sorry, but it sounds like you aren't really truly dealing with it. There is no stability after an affair, and trying to rebuild a marriage is hell.on.earth. So that is how I knew my husband was in for the long haul - I did every thing possible to make him leave, but with the help of individual and marriage counseling and the support of our families we got to the stable part.
It sounds like you aren't really dealing with things. It is very painful, but if you want to move forward and have a chance at real intimacy, you both need to face the pain of what happened, why your marriage was vulnerable (not saying it was your fault, but I am betting you missed some signs and you both did some justifying of actions) and what you can do to change, you have to do the work. Are you absolutely sure the thing with the woman is over? That you know all the details? Stay strong OP. |
Anonymous
| also ... for an eye opening perspective on chronic cheaters ... visit the "why we cheat" threat in the explicit forum |
Anonymous
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There is no chance of things changing in a marriage when problems go unresolved and behaviors don't change. He did it once. Are you so sure it ended or he won't do it again?
How did you find out? Did he lie to you to cover things up? |