How do you know when there is no chance of things changing in a marriage

[Anonymous]

Do you make more money than your husband? He might be staying for the lifestyle you give him on top of the kids. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

I was once in your shoes. I had two small children and my man got close to another woman. It was a one time thing and brief, but it hurt.

Of course, I didn't stop loving him overnight. Or after month. Or two.

And he really was sorry + tried to show me he was.

But like you OP, my feeling gradually lessened and lessened. I stayed for the children and tried to bear w/it for as long as I possibly could.

Then one day I felt so bad for myself.
I realized that I was living each day miserable and unsatisfied.

I was also living a lie. To my kids. To my family. And mostly to myself.

So I left.
It was hard on the kids at first, I do admit.

But after the dust settled, we were okay.

Now twelve yrs. later, I look back at my decision and know I did the right thing.

For me, once that "in love" feeling dissipated toward my significant other, I knew realistically, that was it. It could never come back.

Once something is destroyed, it can be rebuilt. But it will never be the way it was originally. And if my relationship couldn't go back to how it was in the first place, then I didn't want it anymore.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

"My counselor, however, did tell me that everyone has a trigger. Your feelings of betrayal and things reminding you of this situation won't completely go away. My counselor told me that my husband needs to understand what those triggers are and make sure that he does everything possible to keep me from feeling like something is up."

I agree with this. It sounds like your husband isn't saying whatever it is that you need to hear. So you need to figure out what it is you need to hear, and let him know so he can tell you.

[Anonymous]

OP -

It would drive me crazy wondering what he could have possibly been telling the other woman in order for her to get close to him:

1) Did she know he was married? If not then ignore the questions below - but damn, he is a son of a gun liar and intentionally hurt two women.

2) Obviously he had to puff himself up in someway. What did he tell her? Your a bitch. You can't clean the house. You nag. Etc. Not that it is true, but was he trying to pull the old victim routine so she would feel sorry for his two timing ass? She is an idiot for falling for it and he probably says crap about everybody (even about her) when it suits his purpose.

3) The real question would be - Did he truly believe all the hurtful things he said about you and your marriage? If I knew what he said and thought for a second he really meant those things but he was too cowardly to tell me to my face, I would be out the door with my babies in a heart beat.

[Anonymous]

Still thinking about you OP. Hope things are better for you.

[Anonymous]

As a DH, what I find interesting is the underlying assumption that each spouse is supposed to know all of his or her spouse's colleagues and friends, even if only by name, and is supposed to know who is on the other end of each email, text, phone call, etc. I have NO interest in knowing all of this info about my spouse. None! I also do not assume it is my business. And I would never be offended if I, for some bizarre reason, looked thru her emails and phone calls, and did not know all of the other parties. My DW has lunch with colleagues multiple times a week, and, while she tells me sometimes, she does not tell everyday, and I am okay. I simply find it bizzare that a spouse would assume that he or she would be entitled, or even would want, to know all of her or his spouse's email trails, etc.

[Anonymous]

My Ex-Wife got real close to an old high school friend through FB. She kept their communication a secret, so by the time I found out they'd all but had sex. My initial reaction was that I was leaving (naked pics were enough for me), but I thought about our child and tried to work it out. She tried to stop talking to the guy, but she'd become so emotionally attached that she resorted to going behind my back to continue talking to him for another month or two. Eventually she stopped talking to him, but the damage was done.

I believe that she wanted to do better, but the trust was broken. Although nothing physically happened, I still felt cheated on. We'd had problems in the past with her being dishonest about trivial things, so when something potentially fatal to our marriage came about I was unable to look past it. I found myself second-guessing everything she said and did from that point. We went to counseling in the beginning, but she lied to me and the therapist about her continued communication with the other man. I felt like I'd never be able to look at her the same or trust her again, so we eventually got divorced.

Issues like the one you're going through are like a rock chipping your windshield. Sometimes it just leaves a small chip. Other times, that chip continues to spread slowly over time until the whole thing is shot. You know yourself and what you can deal with. Try counseling, but if it doesn't work then you may have to consider pulling the plug. Either way, take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did something very hurtful to me as he got very close to another woman while at the same time distancing himself from me over two years ago. I found out and things stopped, but even after things calmed down (the first few months were horrible), it seems that I don't have the ability to not think about what happened and convince myself that he was happier before I found out and is only staying married because of the kids and stability. He is trying, but every so often something happens that triggers the same feelings in me about how he feels about me.

Considering it's been two years -- and we've only been seven years and we have two small children -- I'm starting to think that I will never get back to feeling the same around him ever again. I know people get over much worse such as a true affair, but at some point I am trying to decide when it is clear that I will never get my feelings back.

Does anyone have any tips on when and how they decided that things would never get back to normal after something like this or even worse (as I realize that this is not that bad relative to other things) when their spouse is doing and saying the right things to make it seem like a one time mistake. In this case, it is my feelings and my actions that are the problem and he is really trying. I just don't believe what is driving his behavior and convince myself every so often that it is just stability that makes him stay. Thanks.

From your post, it sounds like you still doubt that he loves you. Whatever he did was a big blow to your self esteem.

How confident in your relationship were you before he met the other woman?

Realize this, you deserve to be loved 100% and you should be able to trust the man you are with. If not, why do you stay?

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that, I walked. Best thing I ever did.

I refused to spend another moment with someone that would cheat on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there, done that, I walked. Best thing I ever did.

I refused to spend another moment with someone that would cheat on me.

+1

[Anonymous]

I appreciate all the posts. We are two years past my husband's affair(emotional and physical for about 6 months)and finally I am angry. The first year was
me in counseling. He didn't want to go but we did talk a lot more about everything. We both let our relationship get to a very bad point. I get it- had someone shown me attention who knows what I would have done. Just being honest. We have two kids who love their family. We were both on our "best behavior" for two years- super kind, generous, intimate. Now we are back to kind of just existing. Not sure what I am looking here just wanted to share. I realize that this anger also coincides with me getting out more and realizing I would be just fine without him. However- like many others I do feel like if I leave then my kids needs may not be meet. Sounds crazy I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all the posts. We are two years past my husband's affair(emotional and physical for about 6 months)and finally I am angry. The first year was
me in counseling. He didn't want to go but we did talk a lot more about everything. We both let our relationship get to a very bad point. I get it- had someone shown me attention who knows what I would have done. Just being honest. We have two kids who love their family. We were both on our "best behavior" for two years- super kind, generous, intimate. Now we are back to kind of just existing. Not sure what I am looking here just wanted to share. I realize that this anger also coincides with me getting out more and realizing I would be just fine without him. However- like many others I do feel like if I leave then my kids needs may not be meet. Sounds crazy I know.

My dad cheated on my mom. She walked and had sole custody. Looking back, I have a lot of respect in her ability to pull herself up by her bootstraps and be a single parent. My dad only provided the required child support. She provided what that didn't cover including love and college.

Sure your marriage got to a blah, tuned out phase. That doesn't excuse his behavior. That doesn't excuse his lack of putting the work into the marriage, own up to what he did, and go to marriage counseling. Not wanting to do the work and go to counseling would have been the last straw for me.

Now that you are again disconnected, is he going to have another physical affair? Do you need him to bring home an STD before you wise up?