too long to detail- but outraged at DH's family's treatment of him

[Anonymous]

I just cant possibly pull it into a concise format. I will put down the broadest strokes in case it helps anyone.

I have discovered that my husband, who now suffers with depression and rage issues, as well as ADD, was treated far worse as a child that I knew, and all of a sudden all the shitty treatment by his parents that continues to this day, and also involves crappy treatment by his sister, all makes perfect sense now. I cant even describe the feeling of "aha" and anger.

I knew DH was beaten up on one occasion by his dad and uncles for a conflict between he and his cousin before ever being asked what happened. (Cousin stole something of his). I knew DH's father had stopped talking to him from the time he was 13 outside of "dinner is ready", etc.

I knew DH was confused by his dad's treatment and I knew he felt like he was treated like the black sheep of the family. I could see this happening. It was in the form of constant disapproval, whether implied or stated, about every single aspect of his life and how he does things. Despite the fact that he is a self made businessman ina field they discouraged from day one. Nothing he did or, once we married, what we did, was ever good enough. there was always a feeling that we should be different.

DH's younger sister on the other hand, got very different treatment. And once we had children, and DH's sister got all the free childcare and approval of every aspect of her life and how she does things, it got painfully obvious something was really off.

Well, as it turns out, recent conversations with DH reveal this gem: the smacking around was rather regular. From his earliest memories until he was 13. There was also ANOTHER beatdown where he defended himself (for the first time) against his dad, causing his dad to get angy and overpower him, then left him on the couch saying to his mom "he is your responsibility now".

DH had seen friends of him get punched in the stomach and thrown down stairs, so by comparison he felt like what he was getting was not nearly as bad.

But there was more.

DH clearly has ADD. When he begain having troble in school academically, his parents never supported him or helped. He was bullied DAILY for his entire school life, was the victim of racist taunts, was afraid to go to school, would come home with bruises, and they would ignore it. They ignored his report card. etc. Now they didnt know as much about ADD then, but they ignored EVERYthing. The few fights at school they acknowledged tool place, they told him he needed to "stay out of trouble".

Meanwhile they lived this very proper existence as asian immigrants with american educations and government jobs, and they moved in family from vietnam to sponsor them. THere were non english speaking cousins and family packed into te house. and it was made clear all the time that THESE were the GOOD kids and DH was the NOT GOOD KID.

But the part that REALLY pisses me off is that they used his younger sister as a pawn in their whole coverup of how the treated him. They always told her that he was a bad kid, that they made mistakes with him and look how he turned out. And she took that and ran with it without question. And took full advantage, gloating about how he is "the favored child" while occasionally making weak efforts to notice the unfair treatment.

So once I found out this greater detail of the abuse and essentially being discarded by his dad, all of the other stuff made perfect sense. To cover their bad parenting, they threw DH under the bus.

Once we had a kid, we really got to see how fucked up this is. Their treatment of our daughter contained the EXACT SAME constant criticism of perfectly normal kid behavior, like not wanting so sit still through a 45 minute dinner at a restaurant and wanting just to walk around a bit. And a total adoration of their daughters son, who barely makes eye contact or talks. He is a "sweet boy" and a "good boy and he "listens".

Anyway, I cant even begin to tell you how much this all makes so much sense in regards to DH' despression. He probably had this as a teen- he says he feels like he was always depressed or somethign was "wrong". And I never understood what he was talking about. Now I do.

Studies have revealed that any kind of regular slapping or spanking really does increase lifetime risk of mental illness, externalizing and some depression correlation. So we should all take note of any of us who have been in that situation and really make sure we come to terms with it as best we can, so we dont affect future genrations.

For the record, DH has NEVER raised a hand to DD. He is a wonderful father, and this recent revelation that his depression and anger is witnessed by her and this creates confusion for her has really sunk in now that we have talked through the damaging effects of his own childhood.

Anyway, hope this helps someone.

[Anonymous]

Cut off the inlaws and get your husband into counseling STAT.

I'm sorry, OP. How they treated (and currently treat) yr husband brought tears to my eyes. I could never ever comprehend treating my son that way. And if they're beginning to treat yr daughter that way, then I suggest you cut off contact with these horrible people. I hope you never leave your daughter alone with them.

[Anonymous]

Why would you subject your DD to any time with these people. I get that your DH is probably screwed in the head but you should never, ever put your child in harms way. Why would you allow that?

[Anonymous]

Why are you hanging out with them? Why would you even be at a 45 min sit down dinners itch your child and with them? Stop engaging these people; they are sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you subject your DD to any time with these people. I get that your DH is probably screwed in the head but you should never, ever put your child in harms way. Why would you allow that?

OP here. I am not sure where you got the impression that I "allowed" my DD to be in "harms way". The judgemental shit MIL comes up with she says to me or DH not DD. She would treat DD fine at the restaurant and then say stuff to me later in private about how she "gets her way" and we "baby" her. When she isnt even ever around us to know how we parent our child.

Last year it was SIL (with whom my child now is never to ever spend time with again) who meted out judgemental stuff on DD _and_ us _in front of DD. I told SIL at that time that I was _done_ with her. It was not until literally the last 48 hours that I found out about the nasty treatment of DH, the more regular smacking around, and kind of pieced together a bunch of things spanning many years.

I went ahead and told SIL about the abuse, of which she did not know, and that is of course not her fault.

But since she never explained her judgementalism before, and I now had the real answer as to what she is all about, I reiterated that I am DONE and there will be no being around that woman in particular.

I already explained to DH that I am not spending the holidays with them, and thats that. He is fine with that. So, we are focusing on healing OUR family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hanging out with them? Why would you even be at a 45 min sit down dinners itch your child and with them? Stop engaging these people; they are sick.

Again, we are not hanging out with them. Before I knew about all this abuse and terrible stuff, we did occasionally go out to dinner with them. His parents are now quite elderly and his dad has now begun really mistreating his mom with constant criticism and verbal quiet attacks CONSTANTLY. When their health fails, spoiled SIL 10 hours away will no doubt be ill equipped to be caring (has been demonstrated in the past) and we will need to step in make sure they are at least ok.

[Anonymous]

But their behavior is really hidden. In public they act fine.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been with your DH?

How old is your child?

I don't want to project on you too much, but my ex's background with his family is exactly as your describe. He became physically abusive to me as our child got older. He continued to play out his childhood with our family. Agree with the PP. Counseling ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hanging out with them? Why would you even be at a 45 min sit down dinners itch your child and with them? Stop engaging these people; they are sick.

Again, we are not hanging out with them. Before I knew about all this abuse and terrible stuff, we did occasionally go out to dinner with them. His parents are now quite elderly and his dad has now begun really mistreating his mom with constant criticism and verbal quiet attacks CONSTANTLY. When their health fails, spoiled SIL 10 hours away will no doubt be ill equipped to be caring (has been demonstrated in the past) and we will need to step in make sure they are at least ok.

No, this is where it's ok to grow a backbone. Your sister owes it to them. They will not be living in your home.

[Anonymous]

Oh, no. I did not mean that we would live with them or they with us. They couldnt anyway. I just mean we will be the first responders when someone falls and breaks their hip. Or when someone goes into diabetic coma.

Besides SIL will move back to the area soon for the free childcare within about three more years.

Here is a story to give you an idea of how screwed up they are: a few years ago MIL called me up describing symptoms that sounded like ovarian cancer. I immediately thought of SIL and how devastated she would be if this were the case. (I lost my mother to cancer).

So, not wanting to panic anyone, but seeing how MIL did not want to go to the doctor, I decided I had to get SIL to convince her to go. I talked to DH about this. He calls her and starts by saying "dont tell Mom we called, but Tanya is worried about her health and thinks she really needs to get checked out".

His sister,and her DH and DC, as it turns out, were on a "FAMILY VACATION" with HIS PARENTS in Florida. We had no idea they were even out of the state, much less that there was a "family vacation".

DH later confronted SIL as in "WTF? How can you go on a family vacatino and not even let us know you are leaving? What if something happened to you- we woudlnt even know>" Her response: We didnt talk about you at all- it just didnt come up.

MIL's explanation was that at the time she bought the tickets for EVERYONE we were estranged and not talking. So eventhough we reconciled, she decided not to tell us because she knew we could not afford a vacation so she didnt want to "rub it in our faces>"

We just could not believe the obtuse bizarre and unloving reasoning process. You can see how they have invsted pretty strongly in keeping our families separate.

SIL claims she didnt know we didnt know.

Im trying to remember how long ago that was, probably about four years ago.

It gets tiresome to hold grudges. DH and I were furious and kind of sickended. Its really pathological. And that example in particular speaks VOLUMES.
I even remember MIL trying to smooth it over saying "IM sorry you are not the same easy going way I am."

I havent thought about that in a long time.

Yeah, they are pretty sick. I am pleased to report that despite his problems, DH is a loving and compassionate person who would not even treat someone he doesnt like this way.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER in this case. I really feel more relieved than anything. Now I can work on my family, my marriage in the context of this new information, and protect DD from this continuing in any way in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been with your DH?

How old is your child?

I don't want to project on you too much, but my ex's background with his family is exactly as your describe. He became physically abusive to me as our child got older. He continued to play out his childhood with our family. Agree with the PP. Counseling ASAP.

So sorry to hear this. Thanks for your concern. We have been to counseling over the years and DH is currently under treatment. He has never been physically abusive. Our child is 7. We have been married about 20 years. I have known him now for most of my life-we were childhood friends. We met when I was 13 and he was 16.

I could easily see how anyone with any natural tendencies towards agression would be ill fated in this type of environment. Its really a crapshoot as to how people respond to stresses. My dad was beaten regularly in foster care, but he never beat me. I seem to recall one or two of the most half hearted attempts at a slap known to mankind. But it just was not part of his character.

Im so sorry to hear of your situation. Its certainly scary. Its crossed my mind that maybe one day DH would be that way- something that hurts him terribly. But me telling him that this thought HAD to cross my mind was important for him to hear. I dont think he has any idea how bad it got, and the depression really took its toll on him and us.

The GOOD news is we have been having a lot of breakthrough conversations about this whole family dynamic and how it has impaired him in terms of being in a marriage. Ive always noticed he doenst see pattenrs of behavior and externalizes absolutely everything as a matter of course. But hopefully now we can get him the RIGHT kind of therapy and he may need to get one of those full behavioral/personality evals to just nail down what he has going on.

PP are you and your child now safe? I hope so. Im so sorry to hear. How heartbreaking....

[Anonymous]

NP here. I skimmed the long posts, but OP, we are in the same situation. Dh was abused by two siblings. Mother was checked out (still is) and happy about it, expecting some sort of accolades. ICK. FIL was hostile and checked out. MIL became P/A as a result. MIL harbors a TON of anger, as do the abusive siblings. Remaining siblings have removed themselves from the picture, essentially.

Know that you are not alone. It is EXTREMELY difficult when a family is so secretive, but abusive families are. They don't want anyone to know! It doesn't take much to figure it out, once you see them in action. They are fooling no one.

We tried a therapist, which ended being f*cked up herself - inviting DH to "group sessions" and encouraging him to lash out at me. Nightmare scenario. My advice: don't take part in any "Imago" BS or practitioners. In fact, stay away from practitioners in VA.

Post if you find a good one. DH is very charming, and would rather talk shop with his therapists, so we have thrown money away doing that, unfortunately. A male practitioner may be less judgmental, IME.

You are not alone. I wish you peace and good people. It is an uphill battle.