Reply to too long to detail- but outraged at DH's family's treatment of him

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[quote=Anonymous]I just cant possibly pull it into a concise format. I will put down the broadest strokes in case it helps anyone.

I have discovered that my husband, who now suffers with depression and rage issues, as well as ADD, was treated far worse as a child that I knew, and all of a sudden all the shitty treatment by his parents that continues to this day, and also involves crappy treatment by his sister,  all makes perfect sense now. I cant even describe the feeling of "aha" and anger.

I knew DH was beaten up on one occasion by his dad and uncles for a conflict between he and his cousin before ever being asked what happened. (Cousin stole something of his). I knew DH's father had stopped talking to him from the time he was 13 outside of "dinner is ready", etc.

I knew DH was confused by his dad's treatment and I knew he felt like he was treated like the black sheep of the family. I could see this happening. It was in the form of constant disapproval, whether implied or stated, about every single aspect of his life and how he does things. Despite the fact that he is a self made businessman ina  field they discouraged from day one. Nothing he did or, once we married, what we did, was ever good enough. there was always a feeling that we should be different.

DH's younger sister on the other hand, got very different treatment. And once we had children, and DH's sister got all the free childcare and approval of every aspect of her life and how she does things, it got painfully obvious something was really off.

Well, as it turns out, recent conversations with DH reveal this gem: the smacking around was rather regular. From his earliest memories until he was 13. There was also ANOTHER  beatdown where he defended himself (for the first time) against his dad, causing his dad to get angy and overpower him, then left him on the couch saying to his mom "he is your responsibility now".

DH had seen friends of him get punched in the stomach and thrown down stairs, so by comparison he felt like what he was getting was not nearly as bad.

But there was more.

DH clearly has ADD. When he begain having troble in school academically, his parents never supported him or helped. He was bullied DAILY for his entire school life, was the victim of racist taunts, was afraid to go to school, would come home with bruises, and they would ignore it. They ignored his report card. etc. Now they didnt know as much about ADD then, but they ignored EVERYthing. The few fights at school they acknowledged tool place, they told him he needed to "stay out of trouble".

Meanwhile they lived this very proper existence as asian immigrants with american educations and government jobs, and they moved in family from vietnam to sponsor them. THere were non english speaking cousins and family packed into te house. and it was made clear all the time that THESE were the GOOD kids and DH was the NOT GOOD KID.

But the part that REALLY pisses me off is that they used his younger sister as a pawn in their whole coverup of how the treated him. They always told her that he was a bad kid, that they made mistakes with him and look how he turned out. And she took that and ran with it without question. And took full advantage, gloating about how he is "the favored child" while occasionally making weak efforts to notice the unfair treatment.

So once I found out this greater detail of the abuse and essentially being discarded by his dad, all of the other stuff made perfect sense. To cover their bad parenting, they threw DH under the bus.

Once we had a kid, we really got to see how fucked up this is. Their treatment of our daughter contained the EXACT SAME constant criticism of perfectly normal kid behavior, like not wanting so sit still through a 45 minute dinner at a restaurant and wanting just to walk around a bit. And a total adoration of their daughters son, who barely makes eye contact or talks. He is a "sweet boy" and a "good boy and he "listens".

Anyway, I cant even begin to tell you how much this all makes so much sense in regards to DH' despression. He probably had this as a teen- he says he feels like he was always depressed or somethign was "wrong". And I never understood what he was talking about. Now I do.

Studies have revealed that any kind of regular slapping or spanking really does increase lifetime risk of mental illness, externalizing and some depression correlation. So we should all take note of any of us who have been in that situation and really make sure we come to terms with it as best we can, so we dont affect future genrations.

For the record, DH has NEVER raised a hand to DD. He is a wonderful father, and this recent revelation that his depression and anger is witnessed by her and this creates confusion for her has really sunk in now that we have talked through the damaging effects of his own childhood.

Anyway, hope this helps someone.[/quote]

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