DH is leaving - what's next?

[Anonymous]

We've been rocky for as long as I can remember and DH finally said it's time to call it quits and he wants a divorce, which I am ok with. We have struggled for so long that I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel anymore.

I need some guidance though, we have 2 kids and I don't make anywhere near enough money to maintain our rental and daycare for the kids. I don't want to fight it out with who pays how much for who. Any tips from women who have been there and done that? What is my next step? I am in shock` even though I've seen it coming for years.

[Anonymous]

Move to a smaller apt when your lease is up. You won't have to pay for all of daycare. Start talking about custody arrangements with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Find affordable living. Like with any major life change, you won't be able to afford the same lifestyle and that is okay. You need to figure out what you can afford. I assume you will have 50/50 custody so both of you will be paying for all the same living expenses for the kids. If your husband makes more he will likely be required to pay for more in terms of expenses for the kids however as there will be two full households now, the amount he can contribute will be less than what he contributes now.

It sounds like it is amicable at the moment. Make a list of all child related expenses and sit down with them and figure out a tentative interim plan - how will you make changes (maybe cheaper childcare that is commutable from both homes) and how you will divide expenses.

Decide on a tentative custody agreement for now.

If you can have some of it done amicably, it will save you money in lawyer fees.

[Anonymous]

Mediate...don't do court. Don't spend your children's future on lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live. Most places have child support calculators online. Once you have an filers of your financial situation you can make plans. I found that a lawyer was the best money I spent. I got three times the child support that my ex was willing to pay so I can pay the bills and save for their future. Their futures will be much brighter because of the money I spent on my lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mediate...don't do court. Don't spend your children's future on lawyers.

Only if he is reasonable. Mediation only works with reasonable, rational people.

[Anonymous]

I'm just starting this process too and I have to say you sound remarkably level headed. If your ex is at all reasonable I agree that mediation makes a lot of sense for a lot of reasons - less expensive, but also the more amicable you can keep things between you the better off your kids will be.

Be prepared for wild swings of emotions and your attitude about the split. Its a huge change even if its what is best for everyone. And bear in mind also that it is a huge change for your kids and their ability to identify and express their feelings is in a much different place than yours. So be prepared for them to act out, have more tantrums than usual, need more from you than usual. I highly recommend therapy for you and possibly the kids too. How old are they?

[Anonymous]

look online to find the child support calculator in your state.

Will you qualify for alimony?

Lawyer, pronto.

[Anonymous]

PS, see this post.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/190333.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just starting this process too and I have to say you sound remarkably level headed. If your ex is at all reasonable I agree that mediation makes a lot of sense for a lot of reasons - less expensive, but also the more amicable you can keep things between you the better off your kids will be.
?

BTDT here and wondering why you think it's less expensive. Most people I know spend at least as much on mediation as lawyers. The only way it's cheaper is of you know the support guidelines in advance and both are willing to live with them.

[Anonymous]

Most states have a nice. Calculator sheet that leaves no ambiguity about child support.

[Anonymous]

If you and hubby can discuss rationally and amicably, then you don't need lawyers or mediation. Come to agreement on your own on how to split finances, share custody, etc. and then just have lawyers do final paperwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just starting this process too and I have to say you sound remarkably level headed. If your ex is at all reasonable I agree that mediation makes a lot of sense for a lot of reasons - less expensive, but also the more amicable you can keep things between you the better off your kids will be.
?

BTDT here and wondering why you think it's less expensive. Most people I know spend at least as much on mediation as lawyers. The only way it's cheaper is of you know the support guidelines in advance and both are willing to live with them.

Are you stupid??? Of course a mediator will be less than a lawyer. A mediator will work to keep you out of court. A mediator is working for both of you. With a mediator, you only pay for your visits. You don't pay for every phone call and email between you and the mediator. With a lawyer, you BOTH end up paying for your own lawyer. You get nickeled and domed at every turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you and hubby can discuss rationally and amicably, then you don't need lawyers or mediation. Come to agreement on your own on how to split finances, share custody, etc. and then just have lawyers do final paperwork.

Yes, but a mediator or lawyer can help you think of things you wouldn't necessarily think of on your own. Co-parenting takes a lot of work. It's easier when you can anticipate where you may need structures in place, ie how will you handle the holidays? Who decides what extracurriculars the kids will have and who pays? What if one parent wants to move out of state? It doesn't hurt to have one session with something who does this work everyday.