Already feel like I am a single mom. Why shouldn't I leave?

[Anonymous]

I gave cheating DH another chance after DD was born. For the past 5 months, I have basically been a single WOH mom with no help from DH. I don't want to stay in a marriage where I am doing it alone. DD is a year. I love him and he is a great guy, just barely contributing to taking care of DD or house. Why should I stay?

[Anonymous]

He doesn't sound like a "great guy" -- he cheats, doesn't contribute to taking care of your child or the house -- not sure why you want to stay. Could you make it financially on your own?

[Anonymous]

I also think you should move on. You'll find being a single Mom is easier because he'll occasionally have custody and you'll get a break.

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny/maid, not a husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in a similar situation. First thing, DO NOT GET PREGNANT again.

Now, I was living like you. And now I am a single mom. Things you have to know about single parenting: There is something to be said for having an adult in the house when it's 2 AM and you have to run to the drugstore. And "just barely" contributing, man oh man sometimes I wish I had someone to "just barely" contribute something, anything. Also, what about finances? Is he making good money? Because your financial situation will change significantly after a divorce and state mandated child support is a pittance. What if you lose your job? Health insurance?

But, I will say that now that my ex is getting his life together, he takes the kids more often and I actually get some free time, which is nice.

What will your husband do with a toddler/preschooler on his visitation days without you? Are you comfortable that he will adequately supervise her?

It is true that I am happier now and we all are in a better place because I divorced my ex. But I hope you will get therapy and seriously try to see if your marriage is worth saving before walking down the road I have. It is not an easy one. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You will only parent your child half the time for the next 18 years. You won't get to make all the decisions anymore nor will you get to go to all the cute events and all the fun stuff you want bc your child will be with her dad that weekend. You will spend weekends alone - no child, no husband - while friends are busy doing family activities. You will be trying to date to ease your loneliness and your friends won't care about that bc they are busy all the time with their kids and husband, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation. First thing, DO NOT GET PREGNANT again.

Now, I was living like you. And now I am a single mom. Things you have to know about single parenting: There is something to be said for having an adult in the house when it's 2 AM and you have to run to the drugstore. And "just barely" contributing, man oh man sometimes I wish I had someone to "just barely" contribute something, anything. Also, what about finances? Is he making good money? Because your financial situation will change significantly after a divorce and state mandated child support is a pittance. What if you lose your job? Health insurance?

But, I will say that now that my ex is getting his life together, he takes the kids more often and I actually get some free time, which is nice.

What will your husband do with a toddler/preschooler on his visitation days without you? Are you comfortable that he will adequately supervise her?

It is true that I am happier now and we all are in a better place because I divorced my ex. But I hope you will get therapy and seriously try to see if your marriage is worth saving before walking down the road I have. It is not an easy one. Good luck.

This cannot be overstated. The is a significant diffrence between a single parent and having another adult in the house who will at least provide the absolute bare minimum attention to even a sleeping child. When you are single you are either stuck in the house every single night once the child goes to bed or you are bringing them with you. You have ZERO alone time, unless of course you are paying $15/hour for babysitting.

I know the grass is always greener, but I'd work on couselling w/ H before I walked away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation. First thing, DO NOT GET PREGNANT again.

Now, I was living like you. And now I am a single mom. Things you have to know about single parenting: There is something to be said for having an adult in the house when it's 2 AM and you have to run to the drugstore. And "just barely" contributing, man oh man sometimes I wish I had someone to "just barely" contribute something, anything. Also, what about finances? Is he making good money? Because your financial situation will change significantly after a divorce and state mandated child support is a pittance. What if you lose your job? Health insurance?

But, I will say that now that my ex is getting his life together, he takes the kids more often and I actually get some free time, which is nice.

What will your husband do with a toddler/preschooler on his visitation days without you? Are you comfortable that he will adequately supervise her?

It is true that I am happier now and we all are in a better place because I divorced my ex. But I hope you will get therapy and seriously try to see if your marriage is worth saving before walking down the road I have. It is not an easy one. Good luck.

This cannot be overstated. The is a significant diffrence between a single parent and having another adult in the house who will at least provide the absolute bare minimum attention to even a sleeping child. When you are single you are either stuck in the house every single night once the child goes to bed or you are bringing them with you. You have ZERO alone time, unless of course you are paying $15/hour for babysitting.

I know the grass is always greener, but I'd work on couselling w/ H before I walked away.

If this was the one thing keeping me there, I would get an au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation. First thing, DO NOT GET PREGNANT again.

Now, I was living like you. And now I am a single mom. Things you have to know about single parenting: There is something to be said for having an adult in the house when it's 2 AM and you have to run to the drugstore. And "just barely" contributing, man oh man sometimes I wish I had someone to "just barely" contribute something, anything. Also, what about finances? Is he making good money? Because your financial situation will change significantly after a divorce and state mandated child support is a pittance. What if you lose your job? Health insurance?

But, I will say that now that my ex is getting his life together, he takes the kids more often and I actually get some free time, which is nice.

What will your husband do with a toddler/preschooler on his visitation days without you? Are you comfortable that he will adequately supervise her?

It is true that I am happier now and we all are in a better place because I divorced my ex. But I hope you will get therapy and seriously try to see if your marriage is worth saving before walking down the road I have. It is not an easy one. Good luck.

This cannot be overstated. The is a significant diffrence between a single parent and having another adult in the house who will at least provide the absolute bare minimum attention to even a sleeping child. When you are single you are either stuck in the house every single night once the child goes to bed or you are bringing them with you. You have ZERO alone time, unless of course you are paying $15/hour for babysitting.

I know the grass is always greener, but I'd work on couselling w/ H before I walked away.

If this was the one thing keeping me there, I would get an au pair.

Ha! - I am actually the PP just above, I am single and have an AP. Unfortunately, as a single parent I have to work full time and my children need fulltime child care, which takes up all of my 45 hours a week. Yes, I am sure my AP would have no problem watching the children if I had to run to CVS for meds in the middle of the night, but to do anything more will be in violation of the AP 45 hour limit. So, if you have to work fulltime, your AP will only be able to get you so far with freeing up your time. I am greatly looking forward to the day when my kids go to school and I still have an AP and can build flexibility into my nights and weekends, but that won't be happening for five more years of paying $15/hr for babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in a similar situation. First thing, DO NOT GET PREGNANT again.

Now, I was living like you. And now I am a single mom. Things you have to know about single parenting: There is something to be said for having an adult in the house when it's 2 AM and you have to run to the drugstore. And "just barely" contributing, man oh man sometimes I wish I had someone to "just barely" contribute something, anything. Also, what about finances? Is he making good money? Because your financial situation will change significantly after a divorce and state mandated child support is a pittance. What if you lose your job? Health insurance?

But, I will say that now that my ex is getting his life together, he takes the kids more often and I actually get some free time, which is nice.

What will your husband do with a toddler/preschooler on his visitation days without you? Are you comfortable that he will adequately supervise her?

It is true that I am happier now and we all are in a better place because I divorced my ex. But I hope you will get therapy and seriously try to see if your marriage is worth saving before walking down the road I have. It is not an easy one. Good luck.

This cannot be overstated. The is a significant diffrence between a single parent and having another adult in the house who will at least provide the absolute bare minimum attention to even a sleeping child. When you are single you are either stuck in the house every single night once the child goes to bed or you are bringing them with you. You have ZERO alone time, unless of course you are paying $15/hour for babysitting.

I know the grass is always greener, but I'd work on couselling w/ H before I walked away.

If this was the one thing keeping me there, I would get an au pair.

"The is a significant diffrence between a single parent and having another adult in the house who will at least provide the absolute bare minimum attention to even a sleeping child."

The School of Staying with a Warm Body Cheater.

[Anonymous]

He cheated on you and doesn't help raise your child? How exactly is he a great guy?

[Anonymous]

What happened after the cheating? Did you get therapy? Was he remorseful? Did it just get swept under the rug?

It doesn't really sound like the marriage is healthy at all. He does what he wants - including sleeping with other women, not helping at home, not participating in raising his daughter.

What are the good parts?

[Anonymous]

OP, the thing is, you don't know what it feels like to be a single mom. You feel lonely and overwhelmed. You feel like you are always the one who has to do everything, and maybe that's true. I felt that way too, but it wasn't until after I left, when I really was the one who had to do everything because there wasn't anyone else there that I realized the extent to which life is made easier in some ways by simply having another adult around.

I don't regret leaving, though.

I would also strongly suggest that you think about what your life would look like divorced from him. Yes, you will get breaks. You will also get stretches of time where you don't know what's going on with DD. You will lose a say in how she spends that time, because it's not your family anymore. You can write things into separation agreements, but they don't always hold. Are you comfortable, for example, with your potentially-ex-husband bringing women to meet your DD? What if they spend the night? Does he drink? Do you believe that he will care for her safely and responsibly?

Given the little you said about your situation, I don't believe that your options are "stay" or "leave" with no caveats to that. It sounds like your husband needs to step up. Have you talked to him about the way he's been acting? Have you guys gone to counseling? Both of those, followed by a separation, would be good interim steps that would allow him to get his act together (if he's really the great guy you think he is) and take steps to improve your marriage. If he chooses not to do that, at least you will not feel like you gave up too easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think you should move on. You'll find being a single Mom is easier because he'll occasionally have custody and you'll get a break.

You mean he'll have custody half the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He cheated on you and doesn't help raise his child? How exactly is he a great guy?

Fixed that for you.