Joint Christmas Card

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

My friend was just complaining how she hates having multiple holidays. It is all burden and obligation.

THIS. The holidays are crazy busy, throw in 4 grandparent sets who expect you to celebrate each holiday in some capacity with them. I hate the holidays and trying to appease them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

You think you have the perfect divorce. Meantime, there are plenty of posters on DCUM - many on this thread - who are adult children of divorce who are sharing their experiences that even when the adults thinks it's all great, the kids often disagree but don't feel comfortable saying that. And many say that it's worse as adults. Your narrative doesn't leave any space for your kid to have different feelings.

+100. I'm the poster whose brother's partner was talking about how difficult this is at Thanksgiving. He and my brother "switch off" holidays--this year it was my family for Thanksgiving, brother's partners families for Christmas. Partner was saying he enjoys the holidays with us the most because it is so relaxed, no pressure, do-your-own-thing, decide on something that sounds fun and do it, versus splitting with his dad and his mom and everything being split, bean-counted, expectations, guilt trips, etc. No thanks. And because everything is geographically technically possible, they are literally expected to be in two places basically at once. It sounded awful. He said he genuinely hates the holidays with his own family because of it.

(And no, my family is not perfect!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

You think you have the perfect divorce. Meantime, there are plenty of posters on DCUM - many on this thread - who are adult children of divorce who are sharing their experiences that even when the adults thinks it's all great, the kids often disagree but don't feel comfortable saying that. And many say that it's worse as adults. Your narrative doesn't leave any space for your kid to have different feelings.

That poster’s divorce couldn’t possibly have negative effects on their child. That’s unfathomable. Not possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

You think you have the perfect divorce. Meantime, there are plenty of posters on DCUM - many on this thread - who are adult children of divorce who are sharing their experiences that even when the adults thinks it's all great, the kids often disagree but don't feel comfortable saying that. And many say that it's worse as adults. Your narrative doesn't leave any space for your kid to have different feelings.

+100. I'm the poster whose brother's partner was talking about how difficult this is at Thanksgiving. He and my brother "switch off" holidays--this year it was my family for Thanksgiving, brother's partners families for Christmas. Partner was saying he enjoys the holidays with us the most because it is so relaxed, no pressure, do-your-own-thing, decide on something that sounds fun and do it, versus splitting with his dad and his mom and everything being split, bean-counted, expectations, guilt trips, etc. No thanks. And because everything is geographically technically possible, they are literally expected to be in two places basically at once. It sounded awful. He said he genuinely hates the holidays with his own family because of it.

(And no, my family is not perfect!)

And then, there are plenty of people/DCUM posters whose parents are together but in terribly dysfunctional relationships and they dread the holidays too.

I almost think divorced or not doesn't matter, the problem is the incompatible, dysfunctional marriage in the first place. Whether you try to "fix it" by divorcing or decide to grin and bear it, it's really hard for both spouses and any offspring; some will be ok in the end but others won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

All I know is that every grand moment is somewhat less happy when both his parents are there.

I remember his dad didn’t come to his brother’s high school graduation. I was only dating DH back then. I know DH felt horribly that his dad wasn’t there for his brother so it was disappointing for both BIL and DH.

When parents are married, it is normal to tag team. My child’s elementary school gave us like no notice for this last minute graduation during Covid. Dh had to work and couldn’t make it. I went with the other kids and Dh joined us for a special graduation dinner later that evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

Still would have sucked for most of us, but then at least Christmas only sucks at one celebration, not two. Divorced parents often lay it on the kids to manage the logistics of their split. The divorced couple are rarely as inconvenienced as the children involved. Look at 50/50 custody: kids get to do all the schlepping.

[Anonymous]

I think divorced parents should do everything they can to be civil and even amicable. But they shouldn’t push a specific post-divorce narrative, which is what this sort of gesture does.

Children need to know that their version of reality, which will change over time, is as legitimate as anyone else’s. Don’t devolve into “adversarial 80s broken home” but also don’t play “evolved uncoupled happy family” and make the kids follow your script.

[Anonymous]

This thread has gone off the rails. I don't care if you get a divorce and don't need you to persuade me that you are one big happy family living the Glennon Doyle dream. OP asked if it was weird. It is. Feels attention-seeking and pathetic (kind of like Glennon herself). If you don't think so, send away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone off the rails. I don't care if you get a divorce and don't need you to persuade me that you are one big happy family living the Glennon Doyle dream. OP asked if it was weird. It is. Feels attention-seeking and pathetic (kind of like Glennon herself). If you don't think so, send away!

Some think 2 women married is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

Still would have sucked for most of us, but then at least Christmas only sucks at one celebration, not two. Divorced parents often lay it on the kids to manage the logistics of their split. The divorced couple are rarely as inconvenienced as the children involved. Look at 50/50 custody: kids get to do all the schlepping.

We are not talking about those divorces we are talking about amicable ones where holidays/birthdays/graduation are not split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone off the rails. I don't care if you get a divorce and don't need you to persuade me that you are one big happy family living the Glennon Doyle dream. OP asked if it was weird. It is. Feels attention-seeking and pathetic (kind of like Glennon herself). If you don't think so, send away!

Some think 2 women married is weird.

I’m one of the posters who thinks a divorced family sending a card is weird.

I don’t think same sex families sending a card is weird at all. It is lovely.

There are only 2 divorced families who send us cards. The dad sends with 2 girls. Another mom sends with her 2 girls. Both of those men got remarried. One has another baby. He does not send cards but I would think it would be weird for him to send a card with his new wife, 2 older daughters and new baby. He hasn’t sent us a card. If he did send a card, I would love it too. I don’t know if the ex wife would love that he sends a card with the new family.

Sending a card seems unnecessarily complicated for divorced families. Just skip it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

Still would have sucked for most of us, but then at least Christmas only sucks at one celebration, not two. Divorced parents often lay it on the kids to manage the logistics of their split. The divorced couple are rarely as inconvenienced as the children involved. Look at 50/50 custody: kids get to do all the schlepping.

We are not talking about those divorces we are talking about amicable ones where holidays/birthdays/graduation are not split.

Your kids are still probably relatively young. I was talking about holidays when there are grandchildren.

Do you have a spouse? Stepchildren? It gets messy fast when these come into play.