Joint Christmas Card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume it would mean you're getting back together

Exactly

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

Still would have sucked for most of us, but then at least Christmas only sucks at one celebration, not two. Divorced parents often lay it on the kids to manage the logistics of their split. The divorced couple are rarely as inconvenienced as the children involved. Look at 50/50 custody: kids get to do all the schlepping.

We are not talking about those divorces we are talking about amicable ones where holidays/birthdays/graduation are not split.

A lot of these “amicable” situations involve parents insisting “everything is fine,” while the kids quietly hate some aspect of what is going on. The parents seem to need to convince the world that everything is perfect. A Christmas card from a divorced couple screams “trying to hard.” Most people would side eye it.

When a couple breaks up, it is never actually mutual. Usually one party wanted to leave first and other party was broken up with. When a divorce happens, it is never truly happy and amicable. I mean you are breaking up a family.

I’m sure some parents try to keep it together for the kids. The people who may be the most upset are the kids.

It can start that way, but still and amicably. Once the other partner comes to the understanding that they should not be married. And then they can, indeed, both act like civil adults…even if one resisted the divorce originally.

Being resigned to one’s fate when your spouse forces your hand is not the same as an amicable end. Life has to go on at some point.

You don’t understand what I wrote. It can still be an amicable end.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.


Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

Still would have sucked for most of us, but then at least Christmas only sucks at one celebration, not two. Divorced parents often lay it on the kids to manage the logistics of their split. The divorced couple are rarely as inconvenienced as the children involved. Look at 50/50 custody: kids get to do all the schlepping.

We are not talking about those divorces we are talking about amicable ones where holidays/birthdays/graduation are not split.

A lot of these “amicable” situations involve parents insisting “everything is fine,” while the kids quietly hate some aspect of what is going on. The parents seem to need to convince the world that everything is perfect. A Christmas card from a divorced couple screams “trying to hard.” Most people would side eye it.

We are not talking about that, we are talking about amicable people that don't put unneeded stress on their kids. You are doing a lot of projecting.

+ projection abounds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:For those of us who find a joint Christmas card odd, I think the general consensus is that this doesn’t seem like a thing you are doing for the kids. It seems like a thing you are doing for yourselves. It also doesn’t seem particularly healthy for the kids. I am a child of an amicable divorce. My parents went to all of my events together and I really appreciated it. They also brought their significant others (once they were married), so there was no confusion on our end about the situation. The idea that there is never room for other significant others in your life leaves a lot of room for confusion with your kids. People showing up amicably for their kids’ events does not have to be mutually exclusive with moving on with new relationships. In fact, that’s what divorce is most of the time.

Nobody, talking about normal mature people, are doing Xmas cards for a reason other than to say happy holidays. It’s not advertising, it’s not a PR stunt.

You find a picture in your phone… sometimes just kids, sometimes everybody and you make card.

Nobody is not moving on. We are talking about 2 holidays, birthdays, weddings and graduations. Don’t be a d!ck take a simple pic.

Lol! This is why men think women are crazy they think everything is a move or has a meaning.

I really truly don’t think my Dh cares about sending a card to anyone.

If the mom wants to send a holiday greeting, fine. Send one. Her ex husband doesn’t have to be in it. Same for the dad. If he wants to make and send out a holiday card, also great. Just don’t send it out together. You are not married anymore. You are no longer a family that should be sending a holiday card together.

So every man is exactly like your H? My H sent me the pic, hey here’s a good one from graduation. Cool, 15 min later Xmas card complete. I even put “his” dog on the card, so sue me.

Maybe I should stop celebrating holidays and birthdays too because I’m “not a family” lol, you got mad takes.

Send your broken happy family photo card. do whatever you want. You asked. We answered. Send the picture of your dh’s dog. You can laugh at me. I’m laughing at you.

enjoy your disconnect disinterested H. I'm laughing all the way while I reach for the martini my ex just made me.

NP. Enjoy that martini. It’s a very costly one when you think of the legal fees, lost income, split assets…yikes!

Not PP. divorce is as expensive as people make it. Mine was less than 5k. No lost income. Split assets not an issue with equal earners.

Paying for 2 houses is not more expensive?

One with a $5K mortgage vs 2 with a 3K mortgage. Sure if you wanna split hairs. We also have to take 2 trashes out, the horror.

Sounds like you really are having your cake and eating it too.

By having two lame houses instead of one good one? Good luck on the dating scene to the divorcee with kids. Her ex-husband will probably get snapped up fairly quickly.

You don’t know what you are talking about. Dating now mid 40s with kids is vastly easier than it was 20 years ago without kids. Apps have changed everything. Women have more options than men.

“The options” being divorced dads lugging around kids with behavioral problems, who were either cheaters or total do-nothings…or never-been-married 40somethings who were never married for a reason, maybe the type to prey upon your daughters…sounds great. So many OPTIONS!

Hey, idiot: you need to read the research--the vast majority of kids do fine with divorce and do not suffer any more than their peers with married parents. This is well documented. You are so rude to say kids must have behaviorial problems.
Two: many people do not want kids...40 something men who never had kids are not necessarily damaged.
Also, dating is not cohabitation or remarriage. Kids have nothing to do with it. Many divorced people do not introduce members of the opposite sex to their kids. It is not at all necessary unless there is cohabitation or remarriage. In my case...not happening.

Maybe it is because the kids we know going through it are suffering and not fine at all. I am sure kids can grow up and become well adjusted adults. This can be the case if a parent dies, kid suffers abuse and any other traumatic event. These kids are in elementary and middle school.

Dh’s parents divorced when he went to college so he was already out of the house.

My elementary kids are fine. The research says most kids are completely fine and adjusted within 2 years. Stop with the divorce horror stories. It all depends on how the parents handle a divorce…not the divorce itself.

Sure, "fine and adjusted" for now until life dynamics come up when they are adults. My brother's partner told us at Thanksgiving how stressful it is for him to twist himself into knots this Christmas, trying to see mom's family and dad/stepmom's family and splitting holidays in general...it sounded fraught and is literally something he still talks to his therapist about.

Married people do the same with in laws.

Part of being amicable is we don’t fight over holidays or we do them together specifically to not put it on the kids.

We do our together and only expect Xmas eve dinner and breakfast … they do dinners with in laws/whoever they are dating family… sometimes dinner with us too. But we can change it if needed.

It’s flexible, once we just did something the Saturday after Xmas. (Because of travel)

Being amicable spreads to many facets of life.

I mean yes, married people do the same with in-laws. And that's enough splitting and expectations and sharing and not being able to please. Now you throw in multiple divorcees and remarriages and ay yi yi...

Yea that’s why amicable people either do holidays together or just pick a day close by because they don’t want to cause that type of situation.

You assume that all these divorced people are going to be amicable. It’s been 35 years, and I’m still waiting for my parents not to be having sh*t fits over spending time with one or the other for various holidays. I’m not the only person I know dealing with the dynamics like this so many years post divorce.

DH is a well adjusted very successful man. Both he and his brother are an emotional mess when it comes to their parents. If you met them, you would never know. The parents only come together for very important events like college graduations, med school graduation, our wedding, etc. Them being there ruins the happy moment for DH. I only know because he is my husband but I can feel his heavy heart.

The kids may not be crying and yelling but that doesn’t mean that they are not feeling it.

It's not at all clear that he would be better off if they had stayed together, though. That's the problem with divorce - it's impossible to know what the alternative would have looked like, but people in a bad situation always assume they would have been better off if the situation were different. It may just be bad in a different way, or bad in the same way with a different set of events leading to it.

Still would have sucked for most of us, but then at least Christmas only sucks at one celebration, not two. Divorced parents often lay it on the kids to manage the logistics of their split. The divorced couple are rarely as inconvenienced as the children involved. Look at 50/50 custody: kids get to do all the schlepping.

We are not talking about those divorces we are talking about amicable ones where holidays/birthdays/graduation are not split.

A lot of these “amicable” situations involve parents insisting “everything is fine,” while the kids quietly hate some aspect of what is going on. The parents seem to need to convince the world that everything is perfect. A Christmas card from a divorced couple screams “trying to hard.” Most people would side eye it.

When a couple breaks up, it is never actually mutual. Usually one party wanted to leave first and other party was broken up with. When a divorce happens, it is never truly happy and amicable. I mean you are breaking up a family.

I’m sure some parents try to keep it together for the kids. The people who may be the most upset are the kids.

Actually, sometimes it is mutual especially in cases were the relationship died long ago and they were just “staying for the kids” and then they realize that was really stupid because it was going to end at some point anyway.

[Anonymous]

Get card with Frosty snowman on it and send that.