Advice for teenage boy on how to handle newly overweight girlfriend

[Anonymous]

My teenage son came to me for advice regarding his newly overweight girlfriend. With school now back in session, she gained enough weight over the summer that it became a major topic of conversation at school. She is aware of the gain but has not taken action or is overly concerned. (There are no medical problems.) She asked my son if he thought she was fat and he avoided answering for not wanting to hurt her feelings.

As a typical boy, he tells me that his feelings for her are starting to be impacted by her weight. As well, he is starting to feel a great amount of peer pressure from the other boys in his grade. He is truly very conflicted over this situation.

I am aware of the many body issues surrounding girls and want to make sure she is not negatively impacted in life by being told she is overweight in HS - or having boys break up with her due to weight issues. I have told my son it is best not to directly answer her weight questions but to instead turn it around and ask her how she feels about it, what she's considered doing, results she's seen, etc. People generally only make changes when they come to their own conclusions and are not told by others what to do.

On one hand, if he is truthful, he risks hurting her feelings. If he says nothing, or is not asked for his opinion, then he feels this situation will continue and most probably negatively impact their relationship. A "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. He is a caring boy with a big heart and is truly upset over how to handle this. I have been thinking all weekend as to whether there is better advice out there. Please help!

[Anonymous]

Could she be pregnant?

[Anonymous]

He's not responsible for her weight gain. If he still wants to date her, it's probably best if he acknowledges he noticed the weight gain if she asks again. If his feelings have changed for whatever reason (even if it's due to the weight gain or peer pressure), then it's probably best to make a clean break. He shouldn't keep dating her to spare her feelings.

[Anonymous]

When I was young my father told me "Never date a woman with a big booty, because it is only going to get bigger".

I suggest you impart this wisdom to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not responsible for her weight gain. If he still wants to date her, it's probably best if he acknowledges he noticed the weight gain if she asks again. If his feelings have changed for whatever reason (even if it's due to the weight gain or peer pressure), then it's probably best to make a clean break. He shouldn't keep dating her to spare her feelings.

Clean break is best for the shallow person.

[Anonymous]

Hello, she probably gained weight because she went on the pill!

Tell him to use condoms too.....

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, not pregnant. A little weight gain last year, a lot this summer.

He still really likes her but guys are very visual so he's wrestling with the distractions. They do have half their classes together.

[Anonymous]

Just because she doesn't want to talk about with him doesn't mean she's not aware there's an issue and just because she doesn't want to list what she's eating and share her workout schedule doesn't mean she's not on top of things.

What he can say is that obviously he can see that she's gained weight over the summer, but he still loves the person she is inside (if that's true) and if she'd like a workout buddy to keep her company, he'd be happy to go to the gym with her or be her running partner or take yoga classes with her or whatever.

And he should tell his friends to shut the hell up. People gain weight for all different reasons - the last thing they need is people making cruel comments about it.

[Anonymous]

Is she actually overweight? Like above the bmi for her height?
Or is she just overweight compared to the ridiculous standard expected of teenage girls?
If she is a healthy weight, I suggest you discuss body image and beauty myth issues with him.
Under no circumstances should he say she is overweight. It could send her into eating disorder territory, us, if it gets out, he will look like a jerk and no other girl will want to date him!
Also, regardless, you should tell him to stick up for her to his friends. He should know its not cool for boys to sit around and diss girls' bodies. He should stick up for girls he's not dating in that scenario.

[Anonymous]

My guess is she gained weight from going on the pill, they're having sex, and the friends are jealous so they're tearing her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because she doesn't want to talk about with him doesn't mean she's not aware there's an issue and just because she doesn't want to list what she's eating and share her workout schedule doesn't mean she's not on top of things.

What he can say is that obviously he can see that she's gained weight over the summer, but he still loves the person she is inside (if that's true) and if she'd like a workout buddy to keep her company, he'd be happy to go to the gym with her or be her running partner or take yoga classes with her or whatever.

And he should tell his friends to shut the hell up. People gain weight for all different reasons - the last thing they need is people making cruel comments about it.

This.

(and did he really not see her all summer, or did he not care until his cruel friends noticed?)

[Anonymous]

Op here. She is aware of gain - 20+ lbs. She did mention her attempts at exercising as well as eating habits which are large portions. Stable home, family. Possibly stress from very academically-demanding school. Yes, she is above healthy/average BMI.

Yes, my concern is handling this gently. I am very aware of how girls deal with body image. He is also very sensitive to expressing his thoughts to avoid hurt.

Real world - these are teens. I cannot expect my son to act to like a grownup at age 15. He is above his age group's maturity and is trying to balance his own feelings, hers and feedback from the rest of the class.

[Anonymous]

20 pounds over the summer?? That's an eating disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 pounds over the summer?? That's an eating disorder.

Or she went on the pill, doesn't exercise and eats crappy food.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. Fwiw I had a friend go through something very much like this in HS and she's still sort of wacky about it. She gained a bunch of weight during a summer and a few months later her longstanding boyfriend broke up with her, and starting dating another of our friends. Very 90210, except without the beach or the beautiful people. I am totally sure my friend was insecure before this, but somehow it became a defining moment in her life - she still talks about him with a lot of bitterness and nostalgia, and I swear it is part of the reason she was always anxious about having a boyfriend/husband. (Whereas I was a wallflower type growing up, so it never bothered me nearly as much to be single.)

I'm not saying this to put more pressure on your child. These are kids, and kids break up all the time, and weight issues are tough for lots of us, at any age. He shouldn't stay with her just because a breakup might only exacerbate her stress or whatever has driven the weight gain. But he needs to appreciate that this can be a really difficult time for a lot of girls, and try to handle the situation with as much kindness and compassion as he can. Good luck, and update us all someday so those of us with younger kids can try to raise similarly sensitive boys.