Advice for teenage boy on how to handle newly overweight girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he not see her at all this summer? I guess I just don't understand why it's a problem now that school started up again unless he's really sensitive to peer pressure.

I have become less attracted to boyfriends when their appearances changed. But not hugely so. And my emotions for them were still strong because of personality and time together. In other words, I liked them more as a person than for any particular outward appearance.

If looks are such a big issue to him, then maybe he doesn't really care for her that much? I mean, does he seem stupid-in-love with her? Or is it just some casual kind of thing?

And following the crowd in anything is a bad idea. He needs to learn to be true to himself. Maybe that means staying with her. Maybe that means breaking up.

I'd discuss those types of character issues with him. His character development matters most here, IMO. Let him make the final choice though, with all the consequences that go along with that. Good and bad.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your son should be worried about school, and not the body of some young lady that he holds no claim to. Is he ready to marry this young lady? No he needs to finish school, get a job, and then worry about who makes his loins tingle.

How dare you encourage your children to use and damage others. She is someones future wife and he is someones future husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son should be worried about school, and not the body of some young lady that he holds no claim to. Is he ready to marry this young lady? No he needs to finish school, get a job, and then worry about who makes his loins tingle.

How dare you encourage your children to use and damage others. She is someones future wife and he is someones future husband.

What are you talking about? It seems to me OP is encouraging just the opposite.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the constructive comments posted. A few more bits of info:

Weight gain due to overeating - my son sees it and she admits to it. She started gaining some last year but most came over the summer. Due to their schedules, they only saw each other once since school got out.

They have known each other and been friends for 5 years. First real relationship for both. It is typical HS dating - officially together, casual, yet independent.

I couldn't care a lick about how much she weighs. I only care about helping a son who has come to me for advice and about avoiding a lingering body issue for her as she gets older.

In a perfect world, this is a learning experience and positive growth experience for both - and a situation where they either continue their relationship or preserve the friendship.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is os, so tough. Is there a way for you as a parent to step in and tell your son you feel he is too young to have a serious girlfriend, after all?

Make it about grades, or about his other extracurricular activities, or about something else?

He can tell his friend, "My parents say we have to break it off?"

I think it will still hurt her, she may know it is about her weight. But the fact is, you DO think he is too young to be having to handle the seriousness of this. Not her weight, but of dealing with his lowered attraction to her without hurting her feelings... that it hard for any young man, and your kid is still a kid.

[Anonymous]

Also MANY high school romances break up after just a few months, even without an issue like this to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there could be some kind of medical issue, thyroid or something or maybe she started the pill?
I have always taught my kids honesty is the best policy. While I do not think he needs to or should site her weight as being the reason he is breaking up...maybe just say that he needs some space, doesn't' want to be in a relationship,etc...of course I say all this assuming he does want to break up and hopefully doesn't want to because of peer pressure. That would be very sad that he would compromise his feelings for the approval of his peers.

That said, she is also probably feeling very vulnerable and insecure as most teen girls are when it comes to matters of weight, so he really needs to tread lightly and delicately. I hope this works out, keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

OP I appreciate both your son's and your desire not to hurt his girlfriend. Sincerely. It's just that serious dating almost always means someone will get hurt and someone will do the hurting.

I've got a no-dating rule until 16. Everyone laughs at me and doesn't think I'll stop my son from having sex. It's not the sex I worry about. It's the emotional fallout for everyone involved at such a tender, emotional time of life. It's hard, complicated, messy, and very intense. 16 is arbitrary, and its not a criticism of your son dating at 15. I'm just giving the reasons why I am trying to delay it as long as possible.

Your son may very well hurt this girl very deeply. I don't know her, so I can't say.that doesn't mean he's a bad person at all. It's just life. But it's a reality he needs to face. Not shy away from. It's worse to stay to avoid the pain. But if he's got to hurt her by breaking up, he needs to do it with dignity and respect.

Her parents hopefully have been having similar discussions with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate the constructive comments posted. A few more bits of info:

Weight gain due to overeating - my son sees it and she admits to it. She started gaining some last year but most came over the summer. Due to their schedules, they only saw each other once since school got out.

They have known each other and been friends for 5 years. First real relationship for both. It is typical HS dating - officially together, casual, yet independent.

I couldn't care a lick about how much she weighs. I only care about helping a son who has come to me for advice and about avoiding a lingering body issue for her as she gets older.

In a perfect world, this is a learning experience and positive growth experience for both - and a situation where they either continue their relationship or preserve the friendship.

OP, I think you need to think about what you can actually influence here. I don't think you should tell your son he should "help his girlfriend avoid a lingering body issue." It's too much pressure for him, and it's not his responsibility. (Heaven forbid she one day commits suicide due to depression and your son feels he is somehow guilty!) He's not responsible for what she feels. Give her some credit.

However, what you CAN influence, as a PP pointed out, is your son's development. Your son should focus on being a good, thoughtful and honest person. This definitely includes not allowing his friends to discuss his girlfriend's body. He should defend her and walk away if it doesn't stop. He should also be honest with his girlfriend if he can't get over her weight issues. It's HIS shortcoming, not hers. It's better than him staying with her and constantly judging. She deserves better.

He could also take the long view and love her for who she is. (a lot of us were 20 pounds lighter in our 30s than in our teens.)

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for all the comments. Some clarifications:

While they are an official couple, this is not a serious dating situation. It is a relationship built on a long-term friendship. Sex is not an issue at this point.

Weight gain is food-related. She admits it and my son has seen it.

On a positive note, he reports that she started exercising - a sign that she sees an issue and is trying to remedy it.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my son that he is under no obligation to date someone he doesn't want to date for whatever reason, but he should be very careful around the issue of his girlfriend's weight. If he does decide to break up with her primarily because of her weight, he should come up with a different reason to tell her. This is a situation where honesty would only be hurtful. He should never discuss her weight with his friends, and like the pp suggested, if he hears people talking about her weight he should shut it down and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Very important lesson, when picking a mate avoid the natural fat that is struggling with weight , look for skinny ones that don't need to work to look good

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son should be worried about school, and not the body of some young lady that he holds no claim to. Is he ready to marry this young lady? No he needs to finish school, get a job, and then worry about who makes his loins tingle.

How dare you encourage your children to use and damage others. She is someones future wife and he is someones future husband.

lmao, where are you from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all the comments. Some clarifications:

While they are an official couple, this is not a serious dating situation. It is a relationship built on a long-term friendship. Sex is not an issue at this point.

Weight gain is food-related. She admits it and my son has seen it.

On a positive note, he reports that she started exercising - a sign that she sees an issue and is trying to remedy it.

Since they are long term friends and only casually "going-out", just act like a friend - support her and stand up for her. If he only sees her once in the summer, they are more like school friends anyway.

[Anonymous]

Put it to him this way -- if he breaks up with her and then she happens to lose all the weight in a few months, will he regret breaking up with her? Will he miss her?