Advice for teenage boy on how to handle newly overweight girlfriend

[Anonymous]

OP and DS's father have an opportunity to talk about the impact of sexism and explore with the DS how weight is one way women are oppressed and men fall into it because they no longer find attractive the woman who has gained weight. I think this is a serious issue for men, who no matter what they look like want slender traditionally beautiful women. Its another cause of unhappiness for men (leaving out the women's side as we're all too familiar with that) and one that OP can guide him on. I have several male friends ages 40 and above who are single in part due to this reason. It sucks for them and the women who they could otherwise date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all, you sound like a great mom who has raised a wonderful son. It's great that you both are so caring and can talk to one another about these things.

I was thinking that maybe she starting taking an AD or something similar. It wouldn't be suprising that she would want to keep that information private.

I agree. OP, she may be over eating from a growth spurt, stress, or medication. There's not much you or your son can do to address this directly. If she is asking for advice from your son about how to manage her weight gain, it's probably out of expertise of a 15 year old no matter how well intentioned.

It sounds more like she is looking for reassurance from him that he still finds her attractive and he is conflicted about it. He sounds like a great kid, so I really wouldn't worry too much about future body images b/c of what he does or doesn't do. Future issues are out of his and your control anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dealt with this issue with my boyfriend during high school. I gained a lot of weight over the summer because I was mostly inactive and home eating much of the day, as well as dealing with the stress of being home more.

It definitely affected my boyfriend's attraction to me, but he was really supportive and quite mature for his age. He'd struggled with his weight a bit when he was younger and mentioned his experiences to bring up the topic. He very gently offered some tips that had helped him eat healthier (he knew a lot more about this than me at the time so it was actually helpful) and volunteered to go on walks with me. He also modeled good eating habits, such as ordering a salad when we went out to dinner and skipping candy a the movie theater. He didn't make it a huge issue and didn't continue to bring it up. I ended up losing most of the weight when I got back to school and into my usual routine.

My advice for your son - don't be afraid to talk about it with her but be gentle and don't push it if she seems embarrassed. If he brings up the subject, he should do it in the context of his own or his family's eating habits and let her mention her own issues if she wants to talk about them.

Good advice!

[Anonymous]

Face it. She is a fat ass. She most likely spent the summer eating pizza and chips and downing twelve sodas a day. As someone else said it ain't going to get any smaller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and DS's father have an opportunity to talk about the impact of sexism and explore with the DS how weight is one way women are oppressed and men fall into it because they no longer find attractive the woman who has gained weight. I think this is a serious issue for men, who no matter what they look like want slender traditionally beautiful women. Its another cause of unhappiness for men (leaving out the women's side as we're all too familiar with that) and one that OP can guide him on. I have several male friends ages 40 and above who are single in part due to this reason. It sucks for them and the women who they could otherwise date.

I'm sure you've dated plenty of men who're under 5'10" and weigh 200+, right?

Don't be a dick about it, but you seem to be implying that if OP's son breaks up with this girl, he is a shallow cockman oppressor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The short answer I would give him is 1) don't dump her just because she gained weight; 2) tell your friends to quit gossiping about people's weight; and 3) be honest with her if she asks if he has noticed weight gain, but continue to try to turn the conversation toward solutions.

I know teenagers are far from fully formed adults, but these are important lessons to learn before becoming an adult. Resist peer pressure, encourage those around you rather than discouraging them, and don't give your love (and take it back) entirely based on appearances.

I like this answer.

OP, I'm guessing you don't have daughters? You seem to appreciate that this can, hypothetically, be a sensitive issue for girls, but you're far busier providing excuses for your son. This could be a great opportunity to teach boys to grow up to be less "visual" and to distance himself from boys and men who place themselves in the superior position from which they judge girls and women for their appearance.

Do you honestly think you can "teach" boys to be less visual? I am a woman and don't think anyone could teach me from being less visual. I wouldn't be attracted to someone who was overweight and don't see how I could be trained to be otherwise.

You could teach a boy not to be so hung up on visuals -- e.g. don't waste your time with the pretty but stuck-up girls, etc.

But you can't teach a boy -- or a girl -- to change his basic preferences.

With that said, a girl that's a size 14 but still hourglass shaped and pleasant to be around will get plenty of attention (wanted and unwanted).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP and DS's father have an opportunity to talk about the impact of sexism and explore with the DS how weight is one way women are oppressed and men fall into it because they no longer find attractive the woman who has gained weight. I think this is a serious issue for men, who no matter what they look like want slender traditionally beautiful women. Its another cause of unhappiness for men (leaving out the women's side as we're all too familiar with that) and one that OP can guide him on. I have several male friends ages 40 and above who are single in part due to this reason. It sucks for them and the women who they could otherwise date.

I'm sure you've dated plenty of men who're under 5'10" and weigh 200+, right?

Don't be a dick about it, but you seem to be implying that if OP's son breaks up with this girl, he is a shallow cockman oppressor.

Not the PP, but I also had problems with the OP's blithe statement that "men are visual", therefore of course he's not attracted to the girl anymore, now that she's fat. At the very least, I think that a discussion about the influence of culture on what men find attractive (and what women find attractive) might be useful.

[Anonymous]

21:47 here. Yes, I dated men under 5'10" and am tall, and men who weighed more than 200 pounds. So, now I have "credibility" or something for you?

I talked about opportunity here, not implying anything but. Why? Its a first relationship and OP and DS's father have a chance to help DS figure what is right for him pointing out how we get limited based on culture, peer pressure, etc. As others have pointed out, this is a tough issue and some parental guidance might help DS.

[Anonymous]

The parental guidance should come entirely from Dad. Almost any woman would be way too close to this issue, and turning it into a mini-women's studies class will cause your son's eyes to glaze over, and quick.

Teen boys are visual, and in our present culture, fat is not attractive. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and DS's father have an opportunity to talk about the impact of sexism and explore with the DS how weight is one way women are oppressed and men fall into it because they no longer find attractive the woman who has gained weight. I think this is a serious issue for men, who no matter what they look like want slender traditionally beautiful women. Its another cause of unhappiness for men (leaving out the women's side as we're all too familiar with that) and one that OP can guide him on. I have several male friends ages 40 and above who are single in part due to this reason. It sucks for them and the women who they could otherwise date.

This really minimizes real sexism and oppression. Many women aren't attracted to me. I don't think that means they are oppressing me. No one is obligated to date someone they are not attracted to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, not pregnant. A little weight gain last year, a lot this summer.

He still really likes her but guys are very visual so he's wrestling with the distractions. They do have half their classes together.

Is her mom a fatty?

[Anonymous]

I don't really see why the weight is an "issue" or why it's anyone's business to be discussing it -- including why girlfriend gained the weight or whether she "admits" to overeating or whatever. If your son no longer wants to date her for whatever reason -- including weight -- then he should gently break up with her. He doesn't have to give a reason. Kids break up in high school all the time. If he still likes her and wants to date her but is sensitive to his friends talking about how fat she is, then he should learn to stand up to his friends. 15 is not too young to learn to withstand peer pressure. He'll need to learn that skill for all the drinking, drug, academic cheating, etc issues that will come his way over the next few years. If the girlfriend wants to discuss her weight with him, great, but chances are she doesn't. And it's not like she's a bad person for suddenly gaining the weight or not losing it. It is what it is. I don't see a need for some sort of intervention or teaching moment other than for your son to take an honest look at his feelings and what he wants out of this relationship. If the relationship is based on friendship and personality, then he should consider whether her looks or weight would really prevent him from continuing it. If the relationship is based on physical attraction, and that is no longer there, then he should end it. And under no circumstance, obviously, should he be trashing her to anyone else (sounds like he is a sensitive kid but his friends, perhaps less so).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see why the weight is an "issue" or why it's anyone's business to be discussing it -- including why girlfriend gained the weight or whether she "admits" to overeating or whatever. If your son no longer wants to date her for whatever reason -- including weight -- then he should gently break up with her. He doesn't have to give a reason. Kids break up in high school all the time. If he still likes her and wants to date her but is sensitive to his friends talking about how fat she is, then he should learn to stand up to his friends. 15 is not too young to learn to withstand peer pressure. He'll need to learn that skill for all the drinking, drug, academic cheating, etc issues that will come his way over the next few years. If the girlfriend wants to discuss her weight with him, great, but chances are she doesn't. And it's not like she's a bad person for suddenly gaining the weight or not losing it. It is what it is. I don't see a need for some sort of intervention or teaching moment other than for your son to take an honest look at his feelings and what he wants out of this relationship. If the relationship is based on friendship and personality, then he should consider whether her looks or weight would really prevent him from continuing it. If the relationship is based on physical attraction, and that is no longer there, then he should end it. And under no circumstance, obviously, should he be trashing her to anyone else (sounds like he is a sensitive kid but his friends, perhaps less so).

+1. Good response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really see why the weight is an "issue" or why it's anyone's business to be discussing it -- including why girlfriend gained the weight or whether she "admits" to overeating or whatever. If your son no longer wants to date her for whatever reason -- including weight -- then he should gently break up with her. He doesn't have to give a reason. Kids break up in high school all the time. If he still likes her and wants to date her but is sensitive to his friends talking about how fat she is, then he should learn to stand up to his friends. 15 is not too young to learn to withstand peer pressure. He'll need to learn that skill for all the drinking, drug, academic cheating, etc issues that will come his way over the next few years. If the girlfriend wants to discuss her weight with him, great, but chances are she doesn't. And it's not like she's a bad person for suddenly gaining the weight or not losing it. It is what it is. I don't see a need for some sort of intervention or teaching moment other than for your son to take an honest look at his feelings and what he wants out of this relationship. If the relationship is based on friendship and personality, then he should consider whether her looks or weight would really prevent him from continuing it. If the relationship is based on physical attraction, and that is no longer there, then he should end it. And under no circumstance, obviously, should he be trashing her to anyone else (sounds like he is a sensitive kid but his friends, perhaps less so).

+1. Good response.

Agree. The kid is 15. OP should stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

He is not responsible for her weight gain. He doesn't have to date her if he is not attracted to her. Just teach him to be kind and a friend but he should not stay with her out of guilt. If he hears people making fun of her though, he should stick up for her as a friend.