African American boy at at top three: private thoughts

[Anonymous]

Recently, my DS was accepted at a top three school with a scholarship. Everything should be great, but every time I visit the school I hate everything about it -- except the reputation. I just get so ANGRY, and then I just want to cry. We are a minority and I can already see how it will go down for my son. The acceptance from the other students and parents is so false and transparent. I know my DS will be a second class citizen the whole time he is there. Yes, racism is still alive and well in this country. But the school lays it on thick -- so smart, so elite-- and being a child, he thinks that it is his wonderful achievement. Although he does see the fakeness and racism.

But when I bring anything up to others, including DH, all I hear is how lucky we are to have been accepted, how valuable it is, the money, how it is a humble brag. I can totally see how others would see it that way. After all, they did not get in and he did. They think if they were there it would be so perfect --just like we did when we applied. Sometimes I see a look from the other minority moms that I am not alone, but they are sticking it our for the same reasons above. Who could turn it down?

My gut says this is a real problem for my son, but he is my oldest, so this is my first time through. Anyone else here? Anyone else pull their child because they couldn't stand by for 4 years of this? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

drop.

[Anonymous]

Wow, i'm really sorry you're having such strong negative feelings. My kids have been at top 3 privates for the last 13 years (on financial aid). i'm a kind, welcoming non-racist parent and there are many like me. Granted, i'm white so i can't really relate, but I think if it is high school it is definitely doable and will be a positive in his life. I don't think most people are racist but I'm sure there are some. Remember it's about him. If he is happy, getting an excellent education, has good friends, good teachers, then your uncomfortableness can be pushed to the back burner. I'm assuming this is his first year. Give it a chance. Give the other parents and the faculty a chance. Talk to some other African American parents about your feelings. He can always leave if he isn't happy. I'm not sure what you hate about the school, but I know from first hand experience being surrounded by super rich people can often be challenging for many reasons. It is something I've coped with for many years. However, there are also many down to earth middle/upper middle class families and down to earth wealthy families. Also, I'm not sure why you think the acceptance from the other families is so false. Since the class is usually only about 80 kids or so, everyone tries hard to build a community and get to know each other and be welcoming. Maybe try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm assuming your son hasn't even started. I'm sure it's hard, but try not to make assumptions about people before you get to know them. You also will have any easier time, as will your son, if you come across as open, friendly, nonjudgmental and wanting to get to know other parents. I really wish your son and your family the best and hope all goes well. I know many African American families that have loved DS school and had a great experience.
Keep us posted...

[Anonymous]

Is this for high school?

[Anonymous]

Sure the problems don't stem from your own prejudices and issues?

[Anonymous]

Borrow "Our Kind of People" by Lawrence Otis Graham from the public library.

[Anonymous]

First, I am sorry to say that I question if this is a real post. It is replete with strange DCUM buzzwords and catch phrases like "humble brag." Moreover, none of the DC independents have begun classes yet, so how much contact could you or your child have had with the school/fellow students/community?

If this IS a real post, see above -- classes have not even started yet. You seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions based on limited contact (orientation sessions?).

Finally, if, after giving it a longer time (I would suggest a full year, but at least a semester), if you still feel this way, you should withdraw. It would not be healthy for your child to have you loathe his school on the grounds it is riddled with racism.

Again, see point 1 -- this feels like a bored person trying to stir up a DCUM hornets' nest. If it is genuine, sorry, but DCUM has a history of fake posts.

[Anonymous]

I'm white, and a female, so I can't fully relate. But I will say that from my observations having been at several elite schools and universities where African Americans are the minority, there are a couple pluses.

One, it always seemed to me that the African American kids had each others' backs. They were an instant clique. Instead of having to maneuver the often snobby social dynamics of the white kids, they had an instant home among the African American kids. At the same time, they seemed to have friendly relations with most of the white kids.

Two, if he does somewhat well academically, college admissions will be great for him. College admissions officers want to up their minority acceptance, and when they see the kid was able to get a's and b's at sidwell, etc, they will love him. A white kid with the same academic profile would have to have something else going for him to get in (legacy, president of student body, star athlete etc). Being African American coming from one of these schools is like being president of the student body. So he can focus on academics, and do only extra currics that he truly loves.

I really think most of the white parents at these schools want their kids to be in a diverse environment and are probably going to be glad your son is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I am sorry to say that I question if this is a real post. It is replete with strange DCUM buzzwords and catch phrases like "humble brag." Moreover, none of the DC independents have begun classes yet, so how much contact could you or your child have had with the school/fellow students/community?

If this IS a real post, see above -- classes have not even started yet. You seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions based on limited contact (orientation sessions?).

Finally, if, after giving it a longer time (I would suggest a full year, but at least a semester), if you still feel this way, you should withdraw. It would not be healthy for your child to have you loathe his school on the grounds it is riddled with racism.

Again, see point 1 -- this feels like a bored person trying to stir up a DCUM hornets' nest. If it is genuine, sorry, but DCUM has a history of fake posts.

He may be in a summer program for new kids from public schools. I went to one of those before starting at a big three.

[Anonymous]

If this is STA, I love the coaching staff. Very supportive and warm and most will encourage your son's academic achievements and character development in many ways. Give it a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I am sorry to say that I question if this is a real post. It is replete with strange DCUM buzzwords and catch phrases like "humble brag." Moreover, none of the DC independents have begun classes yet, so how much contact could you or your child have had with the school/fellow students/community?

If this IS a real post, see above -- classes have not even started yet. You seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions based on limited contact (orientation sessions?).

Finally, if, after giving it a longer time (I would suggest a full year, but at least a semester), if you still feel this way, you should withdraw. It would not be healthy for your child to have you loathe his school on the grounds it is riddled with racism.

Again, see point 1 -- this feels like a bored person trying to stir up a DCUM hornets' nest. If it is genuine, sorry, but DCUM has a history of fake posts.

+1. Doesn't sound real. If it is, I suggest OP to drop the school and leave the scholarship to a kid more likely to benefit from the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a black son at a "big 3" though we are not on FA and we are not american. I would love to know what exactly you are sensing and perhaps I can help better.
We have been in the private system school system for 11 years with all 3 of our kids and I must say that I never experience racism and neither, to my knowledge, have my kids. Both my husband and I and our son have made lots of friends of all races, mainly white because the school is majority white. One thing I have noticed is that many (not all) of the black patents tend not to mix. Not sure why but its definitely a trend I see among many (not all) of the AA black families,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I am sorry to say that I question if this is a real post. It is replete with strange DCUM buzzwords and catch phrases like "humble brag." Moreover, none of the DC independents have begun classes yet, so how much contact could you or your child have had with the school/fellow students/community?

If this IS a real post, see above -- classes have not even started yet. You seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions based on limited contact (orientation sessions?).

Finally, if, after giving it a longer time (I would suggest a full year, but at least a semester), if you still feel this way, you should withdraw. It would not be healthy for your child to have you loathe his school on the grounds it is riddled with racism.

Again, see point 1 -- this feels like a bored person trying to stir up a DCUM hornets' nest. If it is genuine, sorry, but DCUM has a history of fake posts.

She may just be dreading going back. She did not say anywhere in her post that this is his first year.

[Anonymous]

School hasn't started yet. I also question whether OP is real or whether a white poster with an ugly agenda is behind it.

[Anonymous]

OP here yes it is real.