no-sex marriage

[Anonymous]

Been with DH for 10 years. Married for 8. Have two kids. We have no sex because he has not interest and it has been this was for the past 3 years.
Been to marriage counseling and done individual counseling however DH has not followed up on why his libido is low. In most other ways we have a good relationship but this is becoming a sore point for me. I am afraid to give up an otherwise good marriage to a good person simply because this area is sucky right now but at the same time his lack of interest in finding a solution and just the general lack of sex is not something I can continue with for 30-40+ years depending on how long we live.

I have made doctors appointments before which he hasn't gone to. Short of giving an ultimatum and/or separating I don't know what to do.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

mix in yohimbine into his food?

[Anonymous]

He won't change. You have to accept that and decide how to respond.

[Anonymous]

Change is not guaranteed -- get testosterone levels checked of course -- but again, you can't make him want you.

[Anonymous]

1. Get your fitness level up. Make an effort to dress sexier. I'm not saying your appearance is the root cause, but it will either help him find his interest or, when you leave him, help you when you re-enter the dating pool. His interest might be rekindled directly or because he gets jealous of the attention you're getting.

2. Be direct with him that this is his problem too.

3. Definitely get his testosterone checked.

4. If he's not keeping up in the bed room, he needs to quit extracurricular porn and masturbation until he can get the job done.

[Anonymous]

Suggest an open marriage. If you can't get it at home, are you allowed to take a lover?

[Anonymous]

DH here. Similar situation. I have stopped making overtures because do not want to deal with rejection, her getting stressed, and to be frank, not that great sex. So find myself probably going on 3-4 years of no sex. DW is great in alot of ways but I have found that the lack of affection makes me more critical of her overall in my mind. Current thinking is stay for kids to get to college and then probably either divorce or stay roommates and have discrete "fwb" affair on the side.

I will say that is partly my fault; we never had equal sex drives and in hindsight I should have probably been more direct in my communications and expectations during courtship. I didn't think that you should make sex such a key driver of deciding upon spousal qualities but it is not just about sex - it is about affection and empathy. I find my DW lacks both which is more troubling than actually doing the deed.

Do not really have an answer for you. I think you have to chart your own waters. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation.

[Anonymous]

Did he say in therapy why he did not want to?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Have you had a very direct (calm) conversation with him where you tell him that you love him and want the marriage to work but are not sure that you can see a future without addressing this problem directly?

I'm not saying issue an ultimatum. I am saying be sure that he has heard you, in a calm discussion, saying very clearly that divorce may be on the table as a result of what is - for you - a very serious problem. You can say "I need to know that you understand how serious an issue this is for me. I want our marriage to work but currently it is not working for me. I cannot foresee the lifelong marriage we both want with current circumstances. I need to know whether you are willing to work on this with me?"

That isn't an ultimatum but is a clear, fair statement of where you are. Then you at least are giving him the chance to make a decision about what he is willing or able to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation.

Yup. You just described my life. Wow.

[Anonymous]

I think you have an ok for having an affair. I would not discuss anything with DH. you have stated the problem, he brushed it off, what does he expect?

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have had several calm and not so calm discussions. He doesn't have a reason and he says he wants to make a difference. But there is no follow up. He's too tired and stressed after work. On the weekends he wants to sleep. He won't go see the doctors to check out any physical or mental health issues. He keeps saying yes this is an issue we should fix but never does anything about it.

[Anonymous]

OP you can give an ultimatum to see how he reacts.

In any case your case is not that extreme, there were much worse cases (you can easily search them on this forum). Still I have a lot of sympathy as I was in a similar situation for many years; I would stay wake through the Saturday and Sunday nights thinking about all the fun I had missed.

[Anonymous]

Is his job harder than yours, OP? If so, could you do something to take the pressure off at work? Bring in more money or arrange the finances so you guys can make do with less?