no-sex marriage

[Anonymous]

op, what happened three years ago when your dh stopped having sex?

I don't think he is a gay, otherwise he would have lost the interests a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation.

Outstandingly perceptive.

That's all well and good, but what happens when you are rejected for close to 10 years?

[Anonymous]

Op here. What happened 3 years ago was I stopped pushing the issue. We had a pretty average sex life before kids. Then had two kids and it went down which I thought was normal. But after second child was born, my sex drive went back to normal or up because i was ready whenever. and that's where the disconnect happened. Can't pinpoint. As for jobs and stuff he has a busy job but I don't see it as being a high stress job.

[Anonymous]

OP: Are you sure he's not really into porn/internet sex? Maybe the problem isn't that he isn't interested in sex but that he isn't interested in sex with you. I would ask him that question.

[Anonymous]

op: did you have significant weight gains in the last four years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation.

If my DW works part time... And I have a stessful job which provides for now and the future.. I get home early to spend time with the kids (2 kids) for extracurricular activities and get them ready for bed. Stay up late to work work for my job. Wakes up with the kids... Help the kids get breakfest and ready for school/camp.. Drives them to school/camp on the way to work.... While the DW sleeps in and slowly wakes up to enjoy her coffee while she reads her email... Do you think the DH deserves some love and affection? I have gotten into shape.. I have a very good salary... The more I put in the less I get out... But I am suppose to do more? And it is my fault that she has not hugged me or given me more than a little kiss on my cheek during the last year...?

In the relationship... Do you feel the DH has to do everything? Your sexual death spiral theory does not apply to all situations. I could share more to prove your theory wrong, but I just don't want to post the private details.

You sound like my husband....martyrs himself out to the point he's too tired for sex. But the pp's perspective comment still holds in that sex is that part of the sex equation is that I want someone confident. His lack if interest is a turnoff to me, making me less likely to initiate b/c frankly I have no confidence the sex will be any good. It's a catch, for sure, but so it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. What happened 3 years ago was I stopped pushing the issue. We had a pretty average sex life before kids. Then had two kids and it went down which I thought was normal. But after second child was born, my sex drive went back to normal or up because i was ready whenever. and that's where the disconnect happened. Can't pinpoint. As for jobs and stuff he has a busy job but I don't see it as being a high stress job.

from this one cannot exclude the possibility that he is a closet gay. If he is gay he will probably stop sex as soon as he have the kids.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Nope no significant weight gains. He used to be into porn but haven't seen anything like that recently.

[Anonymous]

typical reasons for dh to stop sex

1. depression

2. dw weight gains

3. affair

4. gay

5. medical reasons (ed, low testosterone, etc).

[Anonymous]

Op,
Are you into more than missionary? Do you get into it or do you just ask him when he is done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If "duty sex" consisted of dirty talking reverse cowgirl and/or a prostate massage bj, I think I could learn to live with that!

I still gotta bring my A game even if it is duty sex. Oftentimes dury sex turns into a great orgasm...I just never do know when I start out.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's different for guys. It's our job to initiate and not get butt hurt when the women say "no." And, when they say something short of "no," to make sure they don't really mean "try harder" and "initiate better."

Generally guys have more options for sparking the responsive desire of their wives. Get in good shape, make more money, be more decisive and confident, start warming her up earlier in the day, and rely more on actions than words when you start the initiation. And, again, if she says no, don't get all pissy about it. Go do something fun and try again tomorrow.

That won't always work, but (and I'm guilty of this), I think too many guys get in a sexual death spiral when we let our egos get bruised by rejection. It's totally natural, but it's an attraction killer. Lowered attraction leads to more rejection leads to less initiation leads to lower self-esteem leads to more pressure on the sex you do have leads to less enjoyable sex leads to more rejection, less attraction, and less initiation.

If my DW works part time... And I have a stessful job which provides for now and the future.. I get home early to spend time with the kids (2 kids) for extracurricular activities and get them ready for bed. Stay up late to work work for my job. Wakes up with the kids... Help the kids get breakfest and ready for school/camp.. Drives them to school/camp on the way to work.... While the DW sleeps in and slowly wakes up to enjoy her coffee while she reads her email... Do you think the DH deserves some love and affection? I have gotten into shape.. I have a very good salary... The more I put in the less I get out... But I am suppose to do more? And it is my fault that she has not hugged me or given me more than a little kiss on my cheek during the last year...?

In the relationship... Do you feel the DH has to do everything? Your sexual death spiral theory does not apply to all situations. I could share more to prove your theory wrong, but I just don't want to post the private details.

You sound like my husband....martyrs himself out to the point he's too tired for sex. But the pp's perspective comment still holds in that sex is that part of the sex equation is that I want someone confident. His lack if interest is a turnoff to me, making me less likely to initiate b/c frankly I have no confidence the sex will be any good. It's a catch, for sure, but so it goes.

I have never been too tired for sex. For some reason DW does get too tired for sex. I don't do all the extra stuff around the house to be a martyr, I did it because I love my kids and my DW is nicer to everyone in the house if she gets more sleep. I am not providing details and that leads to you making false assumptions. With my ex's.. I liked to explore and find ways to increase the experience.. My DW is not into that. She has evolved into being very boring... And I am sure that someone will post and somehow blame that on me...

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]

Whoa! [b]You want guys to be AHs?[/b] This is the kind of stupid advice only DCUM regulars can give. OP, if you want a divorce, follow this guy. PP, get your head out of your AH![/quote]

A little bit, yeah. If you're getting laid properly, don't be an asshole. And if you're not getting laid because you're an asshole, don't be more of one. But, if you're being a nice husband and not getting laid, then you probably have to be a bit of a jerk. Look around the world. Women dig jerks. They call it "confidence."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have had several calm and not so calm discussions. He doesn't have a reason and he says he wants to make a difference. But there is no follow up. He's too tired and stressed after work. On the weekends he wants to sleep. He won't go see the doctors to check out any physical or mental health issues. He keeps saying yes this is an issue we should fix but never does anything about it.

He sounds clinically depressed. Has he seen a psychiatrist?