Can’t get husband to help with Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

I’m the person you are responding to. I don’t regret my comment.

If my husband brought home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to my definition, then I would ask him to go and get seasonally appropriate candy, and he would. Or we would go together.

If I were married to a man who refused to get the kind of candy I wanted because he only does the things that he cares about or that he wants to do, then eventually I would start to follow his lead and just do the things that I care about or that I want to do. I think this is just human nature.

I mean, how long could you go on doing things to make someone else happy and engaging in things they care about when they tell you and show you repeatedly that they won’t do the same for you? At some point that would just get painful, right?

This isn’t scorekeeping. This is just how relationships work.

Pp If you define what you mean by Easter candy prior to delegating, that’s another thing. Mind reading is presumed to be the case here.

Also husbands response was after a disagreement ensued. Perhaps he does care; perhaps not.

Also we don’t know how often this occurs. Your comments assume a lot about the details of this relationship

Pp here. My comments weren’t specifically about the OP’s relationship. They were a response to this comment:

You want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about.

As far was the husband’s response of getting mad, shutting down, and sulking whenever the OP said that he didn’t do something right, I can’t imagine that bodes well for their sex life either. Can you imagine having sex with someone who gets offended if you don’t like something? Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

It's the thought that counts, no? If you want to be a sticker for the details and specifics that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

I’m the person you are responding to. I don’t regret my comment.

If my husband brought home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to my definition, then I would ask him to go and get seasonally appropriate candy, and he would. Or we would go together.

If I were married to a man who refused to get the kind of candy I wanted because he only does the things that he cares about or that he wants to do, then eventually I would start to follow his lead and just do the things that I care about or that I want to do. I think this is just human nature.

I mean, how long could you go on doing things to make someone else happy and engaging in things they care about when they tell you and show you repeatedly that they won’t do the same for you? At some point that would just get painful, right?

This isn’t scorekeeping. This is just how relationships work.

Pp If you define what you mean by Easter candy prior to delegating, that’s another thing. Mind reading is presumed to be the case here.

Also husbands response was after a disagreement ensued. Perhaps he does care; perhaps not.

Also we don’t know how often this occurs. Your comments assume a lot about the details of this relationship

Pp here. My comments weren’t specifically about the OP’s relationship. They were a response to this comment:

You want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about.

As far was the husband’s response of getting mad, shutting down, and sulking whenever the OP said that he didn’t do something right, I can’t imagine that bodes well for their sex life either. Can you imagine having sex with someone who gets offended if you don’t like something? Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

It's the thought that counts, no? If you want to be a sticker for the details and specifics that's on you.

lol…are you talking about candy or sex or both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

I’m the person you are responding to. I don’t regret my comment.

If my husband brought home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to my definition, then I would ask him to go and get seasonally appropriate candy, and he would. Or we would go together.

If I were married to a man who refused to get the kind of candy I wanted because he only does the things that he cares about or that he wants to do, then eventually I would start to follow his lead and just do the things that I care about or that I want to do. I think this is just human nature.

I mean, how long could you go on doing things to make someone else happy and engaging in things they care about when they tell you and show you repeatedly that they won’t do the same for you? At some point that would just get painful, right?

This isn’t scorekeeping. This is just how relationships work.

Pp If you define what you mean by Easter candy prior to delegating, that’s another thing. Mind reading is presumed to be the case here.

Also husbands response was after a disagreement ensued. Perhaps he does care; perhaps not.

Also we don’t know how often this occurs. Your comments assume a lot about the details of this relationship

Pp here. My comments weren’t specifically about the OP’s relationship. They were a response to this comment:

You want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about.

As far was the husband’s response of getting mad, shutting down, and sulking whenever the OP said that he didn’t do something right, I can’t imagine that bodes well for their sex life either. Can you imagine having sex with someone who gets offended if you don’t like something? Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

It's the thought that counts, no? If you want to be a sticker for the details and specifics that's on you.

lol…are you talking about candy or sex or both

I'm not the one who trades sex for candy. I have more dignity than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

+

OP likely looked at the candy and responded with something like: "You refuse to do anything. Even to do it your way." when if fact he did not refuse. We can fairly speculate this because, after telling us he bought candy, OP offers us:

"He refuses to do anything. Even to do it his way."

That's false by OPs own account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

+

OP likely looked at the candy and responded with something like: "You refuse to do anything. Even to do it your way." when if fact he did not refuse. We can fairly speculate this because, after telling us he bought candy, OP offers us:

"He refuses to do anything. Even to do it his way."

That's false by OPs own account.

There’s a major gap in OPs story from him getting home with the wrong candy and then him pouting. Surely some words were exchanged? What were they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

+1

The thing is, OPs husband went to the store and bought candy. Mission accomplished. Some people - OP, PP - will find a reason to be miserable and make everyone around them miserable.

Exactly. Maybe he’s just a bare minimum, thoughtless, check-the-box guy.

Or worse, passive aggressive. Ask him to get some candy and he’ll get only the kinds you or everyone hates. Tee hee hee.

Plus kids are trainable. When you don’t respond, or don’t do things for them, or get them krap they hate, they stop asking you for anything. Win win win!

—Dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

From the OP:

Waited until 7pm and brought home Pay Days and Hersheys with almonds. As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed.

I ran back to store. He was mad I ran back. Said it is stupid to egg hunt because Easter isn’t about bunny’s.

He was mad she went back to the store. That's crappy behavior. I don't know why everyone keeps changing the facts to suit their narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

I’m the person you are responding to. I don’t regret my comment.

If my husband brought home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to my definition, then I would ask him to go and get seasonally appropriate candy, and he would. Or we would go together.

If I were married to a man who refused to get the kind of candy I wanted because he only does the things that he cares about or that he wants to do, then eventually I would start to follow his lead and just do the things that I care about or that I want to do. I think this is just human nature.

I mean, how long could you go on doing things to make someone else happy and engaging in things they care about when they tell you and show you repeatedly that they won’t do the same for you? At some point that would just get painful, right?

This isn’t scorekeeping. This is just how relationships work.

Pp If you define what you mean by Easter candy prior to delegating, that’s another thing. Mind reading is presumed to be the case here.

Also husbands response was after a disagreement ensued. Perhaps he does care; perhaps not.

Also we don’t know how often this occurs. Your comments assume a lot about the details of this relationship

Pp here. My comments weren’t specifically about the OP’s relationship. They were a response to this comment:

You want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about.

As far was the husband’s response of getting mad, shutting down, and sulking whenever the OP said that he didn’t do something right, I can’t imagine that bodes well for their sex life either. Can you imagine having sex with someone who gets offended if you don’t like something? Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

It's the thought that counts, no? If you want to be a sticker for the details and specifics that's on you.

So what does it mean when:
- It’s not his thought or idea. He had to be asked to do something that happens each year.

- he didn’t put any thought into it and bought garbage everyone hates.

- he didn’t apologize or try to fix it asap

People that thoughtless and careless should t have kids.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

+1

The thing is, OPs husband went to the store and bought candy. Mission accomplished. Some people - OP, PP - will find a reason to be miserable and make everyone around them miserable.

Exactly. Maybe he’s just a bare minimum, thoughtless, check-the-box guy.

Or worse, passive aggressive. Ask him to get some candy and he’ll get only the kinds you or everyone hates. Tee hee hee.

Plus kids are trainable. When you don’t respond, or don’t do things for them, or get them krap they hate, they stop asking you for anything. Win win win!

—Dad

Exactly.

They know Dad will let them down so they don’t ask anything of him. They may even be parentified by Dud Dad, and clean up after him and do more parenting than him.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

From the OP:

Waited until 7pm and brought home Pay Days and Hersheys with almonds. As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed.

I ran back to store. He was mad I ran back. Said it is stupid to egg hunt because Easter isn’t about bunny’s.

He was mad she went back to the store. That's crappy behavior. I don't know why everyone keeps changing the facts to suit their narrative.

Yes, I’m so sure she said nothing at all to him. Just silently got in her car. Even if she was silent there was probably door slamming or sighing. What did OP say or do to convey her displeasure on top of going back to the store?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

From the OP:

Waited until 7pm and brought home Pay Days and Hersheys with almonds. As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed.

I ran back to store. He was mad I ran back. Said it is stupid to egg hunt because Easter isn’t about bunny’s.

He was mad she went back to the store. That's crappy behavior. I don't know why everyone keeps changing the facts to suit their narrative.

Crappy behavior is taking a 'you refuse to do anything' attitude with someone who just did something, and you dismissing it because they chose the wrong candy wrapper. Yes he probably did say some regrettable things in response to OPs behavior that started this argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

From the OP:

Waited until 7pm and brought home Pay Days and Hersheys with almonds. As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed.

I ran back to store. He was mad I ran back. Said it is stupid to egg hunt because Easter isn’t about bunny’s.

He was mad she went back to the store. That's crappy behavior. I don't know why everyone keeps changing the facts to suit their narrative.

Op here - wow. I didn’t realize I was the bad guy. My kids had been talking about this for weeks. I couldn’t ignore them and their excitement. Like why not is it enjoy a tiny tradition?? My husband thinks eggs hunts are not the right way to celebrate Easter. So he complained.

He ALWAYS goes to the store. It is just his thing, so yes I had been asking and adding candy to the list. He is there everyday.

Anyway, it was annoying he complained but refused to do anything to plan anything else. He also complained we didn’t have Easter dinner. I didn’t plan it. If he wants to go to church - plan it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

I’m the person you are responding to. I don’t regret my comment.

If my husband brought home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to my definition, then I would ask him to go and get seasonally appropriate candy, and he would. Or we would go together.

If I were married to a man who refused to get the kind of candy I wanted because he only does the things that he cares about or that he wants to do, then eventually I would start to follow his lead and just do the things that I care about or that I want to do. I think this is just human nature.

I mean, how long could you go on doing things to make someone else happy and engaging in things they care about when they tell you and show you repeatedly that they won’t do the same for you? At some point that would just get painful, right?

This isn’t scorekeeping. This is just how relationships work.

Pp If you define what you mean by Easter candy prior to delegating, that’s another thing. Mind reading is presumed to be the case here.

Also husbands response was after a disagreement ensued. Perhaps he does care; perhaps not.

Also we don’t know how often this occurs. Your comments assume a lot about the details of this relationship

Pp here. My comments weren’t specifically about the OP’s relationship. They were a response to this comment:

You want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about.

As far was the husband’s response of getting mad, shutting down, and sulking whenever the OP said that he didn’t do something right, I can’t imagine that bodes well for their sex life either. Can you imagine having sex with someone who gets offended if you don’t like something? Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

It's the thought that counts, no? If you want to be a sticker for the details and specifics that's on you.

So what does it mean when:
- It’s not his thought or idea. He had to be asked to do something that happens each year.

- he didn’t put any thought into it and bought garbage everyone hates.

- he didn’t apologize or try to fix it asap

People that thoughtless and careless should t have kids.

Does is happen each year? Please tell us how OP and family have been celebrating for the annual Easter egg hunt for the past upteen years. Who does what? Be specific.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

I’m the person you are responding to. I don’t regret my comment.

If my husband brought home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to my definition, then I would ask him to go and get seasonally appropriate candy, and he would. Or we would go together.

If I were married to a man who refused to get the kind of candy I wanted because he only does the things that he cares about or that he wants to do, then eventually I would start to follow his lead and just do the things that I care about or that I want to do. I think this is just human nature.

I mean, how long could you go on doing things to make someone else happy and engaging in things they care about when they tell you and show you repeatedly that they won’t do the same for you? At some point that would just get painful, right?

This isn’t scorekeeping. This is just how relationships work.

Pp If you define what you mean by Easter candy prior to delegating, that’s another thing. Mind reading is presumed to be the case here.

Also husbands response was after a disagreement ensued. Perhaps he does care; perhaps not.

Also we don’t know how often this occurs. Your comments assume a lot about the details of this relationship

Pp here. My comments weren’t specifically about the OP’s relationship. They were a response to this comment:

You want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about.

As far was the husband’s response of getting mad, shutting down, and sulking whenever the OP said that he didn’t do something right, I can’t imagine that bodes well for their sex life either. Can you imagine having sex with someone who gets offended if you don’t like something? Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

pp I'm not sure the source of the italicized quote.

Since we're making assumptions, maybe it's the case husband is responding with hostility because OP gets upset over candy wrappers. We don't know. But we can both make up stories and fabricate details to justify either case.

Or who needs you to give tons of specifics upfront because they “can’t mind read?” It would be awful.

"tons of specifics" What?

OP: "Cadbury Creme Egg. The child wants a Cadbury Creme Egg."

Your needing to exaggerate to the point of absurdity - "tons" - speaks volumes here. I will stipulate you can make up a story that would necessitate someone needing to provide tons of specifics. This isn't remotely that.

Ha! Okay. Even if OP only needs to give “Cadbury crème egg” level of detail before anything she asks her husband to do, that still doesn’t bode well for their sex life.