Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you’ve failed to make parenthood look desirable. Right now, the pervasive cultural message is that parenting is not worth it. It’s portrayed as purely an endless slog with few rewards, with kids being expensive but providing nothing in return. This is compounded by messaging that it’s unethical to even have children due to environmental and political concerns.

Were your kids constantly exposed to this kind of messaging growing up? Did you seem happy to be a parent? Or did they just see sacrifice? Kids will notice if their parents are not enjoying parenting or if they are making disproportionate sacrifices for their kids. This understandably turns lots off parenting. In previous generations kids saw all this but opting out of kids wasn’t a social possibility. Of you want your kids to want kids, you need to demonstrate the value of parenting.

oh please. previous generations had kids because, um, there was not effective birth control and women couldn’t say no.

you know who is opting out? women. because they see that parenting falls heaviest on women.

if you want to change this then look to the MEN.

Well ummm the pill has been around for 60 years so….. not sure your first statement holds Betty Friedan.

I think Millennials held out too long to be honest. They were told by boomer parents to focus on careers and now they are 35 with dwindling options.

I think GenZ will have different priorities about work v life. Most are still in college so we will see but I think mental health relationships partnerships matter more to GenZ so I wouldn’t be surprised if they get married at higher numbers and have families at higher rates than the Millennials are/did.

Once the pill came out there was a precipitous drop in the birth rate. More women decided to have fewer children and more decided to have none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

DP I have had kids and I think not having children is a valid choice and in many cases a preferred choice. It’s not all fun and games; in fact it’s mostly hard work and setbacks.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

What kind of help did you expect from your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of when I got no help from my parents after my first was born and my DH and I struggled so much. Then when DC started preschool and we went from paying $30k a year to $22k for childcare, my mom acted all shocked and disappointed that we had decided not to have more. Having kids in this country is too hard, expensive, and dangerous. The younger generations have realized this and are opting out. I don't blame them.

what kind of help did you get from your DH’s parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to feel sad. They don’t know what they are missing. All the Michelin star restaurants and fancy vacations won’t fill that void. They will realize when it’s too late but it’s their life. Volunteer with kids instead.

Not everyone! Different strokes for different folks. I highly doubt Kamala Harris feels that way.

I mean, her kids aren’t Kamala Harris.

You don't have to have given birth to feel like a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

Couldn't you the same oppositely? Parents don't know what it's like to have a quiet peaceful childfree home at 35 if they have children. Parents don't know the freedom and etcetcetc. Of course you "don't know what you're missing", that applies to literally everything.

Instead of pitting people against each other, accepting that different people want different things would greatly benefit all sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

Couldn't you the same oppositely? Parents don't know what it's like to have a quiet peaceful childfree home at 35 if they have children. Parents don't know the freedom and etcetcetc. Of course you "don't know what you're missing", that applies to literally everything.

Instead of pitting people against each other, accepting that different people want different things would greatly benefit all sides.

But most people did experience a "quiet peaceful childfree home," especially in this area where many had their kids at 35+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

Couldn't you the same oppositely? Parents don't know what it's like to have a quiet peaceful childfree home at 35 if they have children. Parents don't know the freedom and etcetcetc. Of course you "don't know what you're missing", that applies to literally everything.

Instead of pitting people against each other, accepting that different people want different things would greatly benefit all sides.

But most people did experience a "quiet peaceful childfree home," especially in this area where many had their kids at 35+.

Was just about to reply the same thing. I know several women who got married at 39 and had first babies at 40+. So they know all about that lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

DP I have had kids and I think not having children is a valid choice and in many cases a preferred choice. It’s not all fun and games; in fact it’s mostly hard work and setbacks.

I agree it's not all fun and games. I've spent some of my adult life without a kid and some with a kid; I am a recent empty nester and don't blame anyone for not wanting to have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you’ve failed to make parenthood look desirable. Right now, the pervasive cultural message is that parenting is not worth it. It’s portrayed as purely an endless slog with few rewards, with kids being expensive but providing nothing in return. This is compounded by messaging that it’s unethical to even have children due to environmental and political concerns.

Were your kids constantly exposed to this kind of messaging growing up? Did you seem happy to be a parent? Or did they just see sacrifice? Kids will notice if their parents are not enjoying parenting or if they are making disproportionate sacrifices for their kids. This understandably turns lots off parenting. In previous generations kids saw all this but opting out of kids wasn’t a social possibility. Of you want your kids to want kids, you need to demonstrate the value of parenting.

oh please. previous generations had kids because, um, there was not effective birth control and women couldn’t say no.

you know who is opting out? women. because they see that parenting falls heaviest on women.

if you want to change this then look to the MEN.

I’m the pp you’re responding to, and I’m a gender critical feminist, so I couldn’t agree more with you. My response was more about women who would have wanted children anyway even with the knowledge of the gross inequality of the burdens of bearing and raising kids. Truly, you’re preaching to the converted.

But if you see no joy in parenting from your parents, I think it’s pretty rational to see parenting is no fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?

Find comfort in facts that they'll have less financial and marital stress and can better focus on themselves, spouses, careers, hobbies and aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 38 years. We don't regret at all never having kids. Yuck.

People who don't have kids who say they don't regret not having kids are like virgins who say they don't regret never having had sex. It may be true, but it's more likely that you simply don't know what you're missing.

Couldn't you the same oppositely? Parents don't know what it's like to have a quiet peaceful childfree home at 35 if they have children. Parents don't know the freedom and etcetcetc. Of course you "don't know what you're missing", that applies to literally everything.

Instead of pitting people against each other, accepting that different people want different things would greatly benefit all sides.

But most people did experience a "quiet peaceful childfree home," especially in this area where many had their kids at 35+.

Was just about to reply the same thing. I know several women who got married at 39 and had first babies at 40+. So they know all about that lifestyle.

Ok, I think you are missing the point. If you had your baby at 40, you won't know what its like to have a peaceful home at 41.

Being obtuse for the point of being obtuse is not a good quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s ok to feel sad. They don’t know what they are missing. All the Michelin star restaurants and fancy vacations won’t fill that void. They will realize when it’s too late but it’s their life. Volunteer with kids instead.

Not everyone! Different strokes for different folks. I highly doubt Kamala Harris feels that way.

I mean, her kids aren’t Kamala Harris.

You don't have to have given birth to feel like a mother.

Indeed though being a mother and feeling like one are vastly different experiences.