Reply to MIL & 3rd hand smoke...am I being unreasonable?

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[quote=Anonymous]My MIL has a good heart and I like her.  I don't enjoy her company in great quantities because she is the most pathologically anxious person on the planet, so it is exhausting to be in her presence, but I have sympathy for her condition (which she refuses to treat b/c she doesn't believe in doctors) and I recognize that her constant terror for everyone's safety is motivated by a good heart.

Here's the thing: she is a chain smoker, and she reeks of smoke.  Reeks of it.  Anything she brings into our house smells from a room away.  She lives locally, and DH and I rarely go to her house because (even though she claims she only smokes outside) it is oppressively stinky there -- not just cigarette smoke but also air fresheners, scented candles, etc to disguise the smell.  I joke that it's a cross between a smoker's lounge and a French whorehouse.  When we get home, we smell do bad we immediately have to strip out clothes off and take showers before we sit on our upholstery.

We now have a premature infant, her first granddaughter, who she desperately wants to hold.  When the baby was in the NICU, DH and I agreed that her little lungs were much too fragile to be exposed to Grandma's 3rd hand smoke on her clothes, skin, and hair.  Now that the baby is home and close to her due date, DH wants to let his mom hold her.  The thought of those carcinogens hitting her little lungs freaks me out...if my nose runs and my eyes tear up when she's 5 feet away, I can't stand the thought of my baby in her arms.

The thing is, she has REALLY low self esteem, and her feelings are very easily hurt.  She fastidiously bathes; she has no idea she smells so awful.  And my DH doesn't smell it as acutely as I do b/c he's used to it, plus I'm asthmatic so more sensitive.

I would honesly rather that she never hold the baby.  I know that will hurt her, but our baby's lungs are hineakt more important than her feelings about her smoke smell.  I've compromised, though, and DH and I agreed that we will tell her she needs to keep a set of clothes here at our house and change into them before she holds him.  But I honestly want her to shower here first, so she'll wash off anything in her hair or on her skin.  DH thinks that is unnecessary and insulting.  I wish I could capitalize on her anxiety and oppressive concern for everyone's safety by appealing rationally to her concern for the baby's health, but she is so easily insulted that I can't even attempt the conversation.

The thing is, my parents smoked and I survived.  (With asthma and allergies, but survived.) A grandma chain smoker who doesn't smoke in the baby's presence is much safer than what I know to be survive able.  But after watching my baby in an isolette in the NICU, hooked up to all sorts of tubes and wires..I can't imagine voluntarily exposing the baby to all those carcinogens just to cushion his grandmother's feelings.  Am I being unreasonable here?  Overprotective?  Or would you be similarly reluctant to let a very smoky-smelling chain smoker hold your baby?[/quote]

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