similar situation but not with ILs, with own mother

[Anonymous]

My mother has been doing/saying a lot of things that demonstrate she is going to be an ever-present force during the first few weeks immediately following the birth of my and DH's child. First, she has never asked me about how the baby or "our baby" is doing-- it's all about "my grandchild." Even my own siblings have noticed her overuse of this, as if I'm just a vessel holding her grandchild and the child will be forked over to her upon birth. DH even confessed he's getting a little tired of hearing this every time they visit-- um, we are the parents after all (for the record, his parents DO NOT talk this way). FWIW, she's always been very big on family titles, reminding me and my siblings that she's our mother and reminding DH that she's his MIL and we're family now (I think he cringes when he hears this-- all she needs is the rolling pin over his head at this point).

Also, she is making plans to be present days in advance of the baby's due date. She hasn't even asked once what would work best for me and DH as it's our first child and most likely to be a very emotional time. I've reminded her countless times that it's best that we call her after the baby is born but she just ignores this and says she's making plans and will be there. For all we know the baby will come a week early or a week late and she'll be out $1000 for a hotel. They live a few hours away and can easily visit after the baby is born and we're all settled in, healthy, doing well and breastfeeding. I've decided that it may be best not even to tell her when I'm in labor and just let her sit it out even if she's already here in town. I'm afraid that's going to cause a lot of grief especially if they are here in town, but I also feel like I have no choice but to remind her that the birth of OUR CHILD is first and foremost for THE PARENTS.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely think it's appropriate to lay boundaries now, whether it's your own parents or DH's.

We told my parents that we wanted 2wks by ourselves with our newborn before we would entertain houseguests. "Mom & Dad, we know you're excited and know that our baby will be loved. It's very important to us that we have the first two weeks as a family unit to bond and figure stuff out. You're welcome to come by the house for a few hours if you want to come to town, but we aren't prepared to have you or anyone in the house for extended periods of time right after DC's birth." They did travel and come to the hospital the day that DD was born and then left, returning 2wks later.

If she insists on being at a hotel, you can decide how often and for how long you want her in your house. 2hrs/day - enough to hold the baby while you take a nap and then do a load of laundry or make your dinner before leaving. If they won't leave, you can very politely say "Mom, thanks for your help today. I think I'm going to take DC to my room to nurse/cuddle/whatever. We'll see you tomorrow."

My relationship with my parents was always kind of strained, but by setting limits early, our relationship has actually improved as a result of our child.
You can be forceful but kind.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear, OP. You need to set boundaries now or this is going to be very difficult. The PP has great advice for you. If your mom is like mine, she'll pretend she doesn't hear or doesn't understand what you're saying until you've repeated it two or three times and very bluntly.

(I will also add that as uncomfortable as it may be to set up boundaries now, it's much, much more stressful to do it after the baby is born.)

And it's good to get practice doing this. I just had to tell my mom that she couldn't take my kids out of school two weeks early for a trip with her to Disney. She made a run at that three times - actually emailing me with flight and hotel details she was ready to book - before she finally got the hint.

[Anonymous]

I assume this is the first grandchild?

I agree with setting boundaries. BUT - I also think you have to recognize her genuine excitement.

Like PP said, maybe make a plan in which she comes when the baby is born and stays for a day or two. Then she can come back for a longer visit (3-4 days) after you've had maybe 2 weeks to get settled at home.

We found that our limit, in the first 2 months, was a 5-day visit from my parents. Anything longer would have been brutal. Luckily, when DD#2 came along, they could only work out a 3-day visit.

[Anonymous]

Worst case scenario: my OB told me that he would be delighted to play bad cop and tell anyone that he needed to keep all non-spouse visitors out of the delivery room. He also said to blame him and say he ordered no visitors for XX number of days after baby comes home. Love that man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely think it's appropriate to lay boundaries now, whether it's your own parents or DH's.

We told my parents that we wanted 2wks by ourselves with our newborn before we would entertain houseguests. "Mom & Dad, we know you're excited and know that our baby will be loved. It's very important to us that we have the first two weeks as a family unit to bond and figure stuff out. You're welcome to come by the house for a few hours if you want to come to town, but we aren't prepared to have you or anyone in the house for extended periods of time right after DC's birth." They did travel and come to the hospital the day that DD was born and then left, returning 2wks later.

If she insists on being at a hotel, you can decide how often and for how long you want her in your house. 2hrs/day - enough to hold the baby while you take a nap and then do a load of laundry or make your dinner before leaving. If they won't leave, you can very politely say "Mom, thanks for your help today. I think I'm going to take DC to my room to nurse/cuddle/whatever. We'll see you tomorrow."

My relationship with my parents was always kind of strained, but by setting limits early, our relationship has actually improved as a result of our child.
You can be forceful but kind.

PP here. In case it wasn't clear, what I meant was that SHE does your laundry and SHE leaves dinner on the stove for you, not that she just holds the baby while you run around and do all the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume this is the first grandchild?

I agree with setting boundaries. BUT - I also think you have to recognize her genuine excitement.

Like PP said, maybe make a plan in which she comes when the baby is born and stays for a day or two. Then she can come back for a longer visit (3-4 days) after you've had maybe 2 weeks to get settled at home.

We found that our limit, in the first 2 months, was a 5-day visit from my parents. Anything longer would have been brutal. Luckily, when DD#2 came along, they could only work out a 3-day visit.

OP here. Yes, it's the first. I'm thrilled she's so excited but I know she can be very controlling and is capable of undermining me and playing manipulation games to get her way as she's done it all my life. My grandmother, her own mother, used to have to tell her to cool it and let her kids live their own lives and make their own mistakes. My mother hasn't even said how long she plans on staying and I'm a little concerned it's for more than a few days because both of my parents are retired and neither has any interests or hobbies to occupy them. I'm hoping that the hot summer weather here proves to be too much for them and they want to leave asap. I think she's also expecting us to travel to visit them not long after the baby is born and well before I'm going to be comfortable taking a long trip with a newborn who hasn't received at least some of the vaccines. She's already been talking about when the baby visits them in the fall. I'm like, huh? That's my call as the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume this is the first grandchild?

I agree with setting boundaries. BUT - I also think you have to recognize her genuine excitement.

Like PP said, maybe make a plan in which she comes when the baby is born and stays for a day or two. Then she can come back for a longer visit (3-4 days) after you've had maybe 2 weeks to get settled at home.

We found that our limit, in the first 2 months, was a 5-day visit from my parents. Anything longer would have been brutal. Luckily, when DD#2 came along, they could only work out a 3-day visit.

OP here. Yes, it's the first. I'm thrilled she's so excited but I know she can be very controlling and is capable of undermining me and playing manipulation games to get her way as she's done it all my life. My grandmother, her own mother, used to have to tell her to cool it and let her kids live their own lives and make their own mistakes. My mother hasn't even said how long she plans on staying and I'm a little concerned it's for more than a few days because both of my parents are retired and neither has any interests or hobbies to occupy them. I'm hoping that the hot summer weather here proves to be too much for them and they want to leave asap. I think she's also expecting us to travel to visit them not long after the baby is born and well before I'm going to be comfortable taking a long trip with a newborn who hasn't received at least some of the vaccines. She's already been talking about when the baby visits them in the fall. I'm like, huh? That's my call as the mother.

Repeat this, both to yourself and to her, as often as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Set the boundaries now, OP. If you don't, you'll stress each time a situation comes up, and you'll wish you'd done it earlier. Yes, the fallout will be harsh but that'll be the case if you do it now or 4 years from now.

If I were you, next time your mother mentioned traveling, I'd look at her confused and say, "Do you mean you want us, with the baby to travel to India with you in October?" let her say yes, and then I'd LAUGH IN HER FACE and say "Oh. No, we're not traveling out of the country for a while after the baby's born. But you have a great time!"

If she started yelling or asking why or whatever, "Mom! I know this may blow your mind, but I AM an adult, and DH and I ARE actually in charge of Baby, and we're not traveling so soon after she was born. The relatives can see her when she's older."

If she tried to manipulate by convincing the relatives to come visit here and showed up on my doorstep, I'd tlel them, "Oh Aunt Larla I'm SO SORRY! My mother never told me you were coming to DC/the US - if she had I'd have made sure to have sent you the info on some great hotels because we're not hosting people right now. Why don't you come in and have some tea, and DH and I will help you find a hotel - do you want to borrow my phone to call my mom?"

I wouldn't care if the relatives think I'm a bitch, if my mother says I've embarrassed her to the family, etc. Don't mess with me - I WILL mess with you back.

[Anonymous]

Good advice here about setting boundaries, OP. But you will have to be very, very explicit with her and from your post I'm concerned you won't be. She is not going to "get it" if you hint or say "We'd really prefer that you....do this or that." You know this already, I'm sure, but you truly have to be ready to (1) write yourself a script that is strong and unwavering and (2) use it with her and (3) take over her "trip planning" before she even does it.

Write down what you and your husband want and how you'll say it: "We've thought about your visiting when the baby comes and this is what we will do: We must have time (not we need time or we want time -- we must have time) to adjust for the first X weeks/days, and after that we'll be glad to have you visit. I have ALREADY made your hotel reservation for XX dates." Then do it - make the reservations but put them far enough from your due date that you know she won't be hanging around when you're in labor. Seriously, you will not want her or anyone but your husband there, really, will you? I would not ever, ever tell her you are in labor! The call should be: We had the baby at 3:00 this afternoon and will talk to you every day by phone until you arrive on Date A Week From Now. If you must, be clear that a surprise visit would mean she will see that baby, oh, one hour a day because you and baby will be SO tired.


If you have someone who would be a person you'd tell you're in labor, like a sister you're close to or whatever-- you have to have that person swear she or he won't phone mom.

Scripting first will help you be more confident and not waffle or cave in when she tries to steamroll you. And when she cries or gets mad and says "You don't want me there!" you HAVE to stand up to her. Remember this -- YOU hold all the cards if she wants to see the baby! Be sure your husband also is strong enough to step in and say, "Wife and the baby need time alone now" and direct your mom to something else to do if she is there and you're sick of her at that moment.

This may sound harsh but if you don't set boundaries now she is going to be all over your family for the next few years. Make a plan and don't wing it -- decide what you want, be specific about it, and TELL her, don't ask her.