Reply to similar situation but not with ILs, with own mother

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[quote=Anonymous]Good advice here about setting boundaries, OP. But you will have to be very, very explicit with her and from your post I'm concerned you won't be. She is not going to "get it" if you hint or say "We'd really prefer that you....do this or that." You know this already, I'm sure, but you truly have to be ready to (1) write yourself a script that is strong and unwavering and (2) use it with her and (3) take over her "trip planning" before she even does it.

Write down what you and your husband want and how you'll say it: "We've thought about your visiting when the baby comes and this is what we will do: We must have time (not we need time or we want time -- we must have time) to adjust for the first X weeks/days, and after that we'll be glad to have you visit. I have ALREADY made your hotel reservation for XX dates." Then do it - make the reservations but put them far enough from your due date that you know she won't be hanging around when you're in labor. Seriously, you will not want her or anyone but your husband there, really, will you? I would not ever, ever tell her you are in labor! The call should be: We had the baby at 3:00 this afternoon and will talk to you every day by phone until you arrive on Date A Week From Now. If you must, be clear that a surprise visit would mean she will see that baby, oh, one hour a day because you and baby will be SO tired.

If you have someone who would be a person you'd tell you're in labor, like a sister you're close to or whatever-- you have to have that person swear she or he won't phone mom.

Scripting first will help you be more confident and not waffle or cave in when she tries to steamroll you. And when she cries or gets mad and says "You don't want me there!" you HAVE to stand up to her. Remember this -- YOU hold all the cards if she wants to see the baby! Be sure your husband also is strong enough to step in and say, "Wife and the baby need time alone now" and direct your mom to something else to do if she is there and you're sick of her at that moment.

This may sound harsh but if you don't set boundaries now she is going to be all over your family for the next few years. Make a plan and don't wing it -- decide what you want, be specific about it, and TELL her, don't ask her. [/quote]

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