Husband's Drinking
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I am worried about my husband's drinking. We are in our 40s, and we have been together since our 20s. We both love wine. While I wouldn't say that it is a central part of our marriage, over the years, we have taken trips to vineyards, and we enjoy a bottle of wine in the evening or after dinner. Admittedly, there are times when that bottle might turn into two if we had friends over, but that was not the norm, and this was not an everyday occasion. Fast forward to now. I still enjoy a glass of wine, but what was probably an every day habit is now once a week, maybe twice, and I rarely even finish that one glass. On the contrary, practically every night, my DH opens up and finishes a bottle of wine all to himself. Most of this drinking is all by himself. He probably opened up the bottle when he turned on the grill, and then he finished it while cleaning the kitchen when I was putting the kids to bed. When I went downstairs after putting the kids to bed, I realized that he was completely drunk. When he gets like this, he is rather incomprehensible, doesn't say much, and if you confront him (I tried), he sulks. We went through this a few months ago, and we discussed it, and decided that no alcohol was the way to go. He did stop cold turkey. And then he would have a glass at dinner every so often when we were out. I really just assumed perhaps he didn't realize how much he was drinking and/or that I wasn't sharing the wine with him. But today, again, he went through a whole bottle, and then was clearly drunk. He does not drink during the day, nor does he drink when we are out to dinner (maybe a glass, but nothing more). The only alcoholics I've known are people who could not stop drinking, and my husband can stop. His issue seems to be more of creeping moderation, but does that make him an alcoholic? Thankfully, I don't travel for work much, but I have to admit that I wouldn't leave him alone with my kids at night. A couple of years ago, I thought he might be experiencing some neurological issues, but he had a full work-up (cat-scan, etc.) and got a clean bill of health.
I really don't know what to do. I have a good relationship with his primary care doctor, and I'm tempted to give him a call. I don't want to involve my in-laws, because I think that would make the issue worse not better. |
Anonymous
|
Alcoholism isn't so much a bright line where this is and that isn't. The question is more whether the drinking is getting in the way of other things.
Sounds a little like he's self-medicating some level of depression. Does he go out with the guys so he can have some social drinking time? Maybe that would reduce the drinking by himself. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you are right to be concerned. I'd talk to your husband and see if you can get him to talk to a professional. |
Anonymous
|
He can be a problem drinker without being an alcoholic. If his personality changes for the worse (is an ass while drunk), or he engages in dangerous or harmful behavior, I'd be very concerned. If he's skipping out on family duties on a regular basis, I'd be concerned, too.
Have you had the conversation with him that you feel more comfortable having him as a responsible, sober partner to deal with household needs? What of a kid emergency came up? Maybe there's a compromise somewhere, too. There are times I like to get buzzed myself, but it's once or twice a year. Would you be OK with his drinking a whole bottle of wine if it were much less frequent? Definitely worth another conversation. |
Anonymous
|
OP here. I have considered that depression could be an issue. I don't know much about depression, and he does not necessarily seem depressed, but rather it seems like the drinking is what makes me think he could be depressed. But this is so far out of my league.
I do worry about a kid emergency. We have had ER visits in the middle of the night, and I'm always the one to take my little one, but not b/c my DH wasn't capable, it's just always the way that it has been. But, I worry when I work late. I feel like I'm talking to a toddler when I work late, and I insist on a no-alcohol policy when he is by himself with the kids, but I don't feel like I should be a babysitter. Nor do I think he wants to be babysat, but I feel that if I don't tell him not to drink then he won't think twice about having a glass of wine. And, yes, I'm totally OK with having a night on the town (or at home) every so often, but going through a bottle of wine a night by himself a night is excessive (to me). He is always nice. Always. I don't think my DH ever has said a mean word about anyone. And he's nice when he drinks. If you didn't know him, you wouldn't know he was drunk. But I know him, and I live with him. He does stupid things when he's drunk. Like he'll take a shower in the middle of the night thinking it's morning or he'll let our dog outside seconds after just letting him in. He just gets disoriented. I've discussed it with him previously, and he said that he doesn't realize that he's doing it. I don't know if that's good or bad. In terms of talking to a professional, I don't know where he would begin. His doctor? A therapist? |
Anonymous
| No bright line, but if you cant trust him with the kids, there's a problem. Maybe he needs AA and to work that through. |
Anonymous
|
I used to have the same pattern (would drink a whole bottle of wine every single night). The problem is that eventually you get used to the alcohol and no longer get the same buzz as you used to, so you need to drink more and more.
One thing that might help is to show him how many calories he's drinking and try that angle. When you realize you're drinking almost 1,000 calories every night and could be having so many other things, it helps put things in perspective, especially if he could loose a few pounds. It can also help to find another "drink" (soda, juice, etc.) to replace the nightly habit of drinking, so at least you have something in your hand. |
gent.in.nwdc
Member Offline
Member Offline
|
As a moderatlely-heavy drinker, I have a few thoughts:
1. It sounds like his tolerance is diminishing as he gets older but he hasn't adapted his drinking habits to this new reality. He doesn't seem to know where his limits are. I'd be very worried that he would get in a car, feel fine to drive, and then end up with a DUI (which can result in major fines, jail time, and perhaps irreparable harm to his career). Are there any medications he's taking that could be affecting his tolerance? 2. Set some hard limits for him. No more than two glasses of wine on a weeknight and no more than 4 on a weekend day. Make him agree to stick by this. 3. I feel that he might need a therapist, or at least a neutral person to talk to about his everyday issues. The sulking makes me think that he is moderately depressed. He might not need medication, but I think everyone needs a session "on the couch" with a therapist from time to time. 4. KEEP THE INLAWS OUT OF THIS. They definitely won't make the situation better. If it gets worse (abusive behavior, missing out on family responsibilities), then it might be necessary to involve them. Until then, keep this between him and you. |
Anonymous
|
OP, you just described my DH. He is a recovering alcoholic. He could stop for months at a time. But when he started back - drinking in moderation - he quickly went to drinking the whole bottle of wine a night.
Get your DH into therapy if you can. Made a world of difference for my DH, who has not taken a sip in years now. |
Anonymous
|
OP, your DH might be suited for a moderation program. However, if he fails that, then complete sobriety is the only way to go.
Moderation Management requires no alcohol for 30 days and then steps to learn how to drink like normal social people drink. http://www.moderation.org/ |
Anonymous
Yeah, it really worked for Audrey Kishline, didn't it. |
Anonymous
|
I would recommend listing the specific ways in which his drinking has actually harmed him or the family and then outline drinking patterns that would have avoided those harms.
Without that, a guy who likes his booze will just hear overblown rhetoric about "alcohol is bad, m'kay?" Or maybe he hears, "you should stop drinking because I don't like alcohol." Or, "you should stop drinking because it makes you less useful to me." |
Anonymous
by that logic, AA isn't worth trying because it doesn't work for everyone, either. nothing is effective for everyone. you don't know until you try. |
Anonymous
|
He's fine - he's functioning and doing his duties. He gets tipsy at home, which is better than in public.
Yes, he's having a midlife crisis and drinking his way through it. You're a little sensitive to how the alcohol affects him because you aren't also under the influence. I always feel the same way when I'm the sober one around drunks. Bottom line - he's not hurting you. He's not spending money your don't have or endangering people's lives by driving. Just say "hey, you get to a point that you can't take care of the kids - don't do that. " |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks everyone. I've never heard of the Moderation methodology. Interesting, but there aren't any programs in the metro DC area. And I'm not adverse to alcohol. Heck, that is one of the things that is sad to me is that I like to enjoy wine with my DH and learn about new wines, food pairings, etc., and to see this through, I know that my days of wine are over. I told him this morning that we needed to sit down and have a discussion this evening when we finished work and he just said OK. He is not at all defensive, and accepts what I'm telling him, which bothers me even more. I'd like to have an honest discussion with him. He's not a child, he's my spouse, and that is what makes this all the more difficult. |