Husband's Drinking

[Anonymous]

I could have been you five years ago, OP. I wondered if my husband's daily drinking was a problem when he was a nice guy who was very good to me. My concerns grew over the next three years as he repeatedly "stopped," only to start up again gradually. It doesn't sound to me like your husband can stop, for more than a short time. As a previous poster said, I also had no idea how much he was drinking when I wasn't around. I was floored to learn later he was drinking almost every day over lunch, etc. Our marriage deteriorated greatly over this and eventually when I was ready to end it, he agreed to get help. He's now been sober two years and our life is much, much better. I learned a lot about alcoholism through this process, and what you describe are many of the classic signs. I would encourage you to talk to a therapist who specializes in addiction to talk through your specific situation. And I assure you, no therapist is going to laugh at you. One I would recommend who was very helpful to me was Anita Gadhia-Smith, with offices in Georgetown and Bethesda. 202-342-1762

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, so many people on DCUM worry about that label "alcoholic." Let's say your husband is not an alcoholic - he still has a serious problem, right? And it's one that he seems less interested in dealing with than you do. Here's website that may be useful - I think I learned about it on DCUM:

http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/default.asp

Your husband has a serious problem regardless of what you call it. But call it "alcohol use disorder" if you like. You still have a tough road ahead of you because he is not as committed as you are to addressing this. Sorry that you have to be the grown up here. Good luck!

What did I miss in OP's post that demonstrated a serious problem? It may have been there but I missed it. I saw OP's subjective concern that may or may not have been appropriate to the actual problem.

[Anonymous]

A bottle of wine is 5 standard glasses. The evening that you have described, from starting the grill to finishing cleaning the kitchen while the kids are put to bed is three or three-plus hours. So that's just over 1.5 glasses of wine per hour. Assuming that your husband weighs 170 lbs, and he doesn't suffer from liver dysfunction, his liver is processing about 1 glass per hour. Based on that body weight, he would be legal to drive in Virginia after a bottle of wine in three hours. Not advised, but legal. (BAC of ~ .069) If he weighs more, or takes longer to finish the bottle, that blood alcohol level will be lower. Of course, there are a ton of variables - what he has had to eat, heath issues, other medication, etc. But this isn't 'lush' territory.

I'm not saying it isn't a problem - it's a problem if for no other reason than that you see it as a problem, but a little perspective is good. That level of intoxication is about the same as a 130 pound woman drinking 3 glasses of wine over the same three hours. Two glasses of wine a night is the generally recommended maximum for men. Wine (alcohol in general) has some heart health benefits, but increases some cancer risks. So he is drinking more than recommended, but probably less than many - certainty lass than any previous generation of men.

[Anonymous]

Here's the fucking problem - you have a control freak wife who is upset her husband does something she can't control.

He will be okay - he will realize that she is a terrible person and does not deserve him He will find a better woman who accomodates him, not controls him.

The bad guy here is the wife.

And yes - the guy who claims to be counselor does have a point about the amount he's drinking. I had two alcoholic parents and a bottle of wine was a tenth of what they had to drink a piece in a normal day. Unless this guy weighs 100 pounds, he's likely not even noticably drunk after a botttle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the fucking problem - you have a control freak wife who is upset her husband does something she can't control.

He will be okay - he will realize that she is a terrible person and does not deserve him He will find a better woman who accomodates him, not controls him.

The bad guy here is the wife.

And yes - the guy who claims to be counselor does have a point about the amount he's drinking. I had two alcoholic parents and a bottle of wine was a tenth of what they had to drink a piece in a normal day. Unless this guy weighs 100 pounds, he's likely not even noticably drunk after a botttle.

Yeah, that's right, I forgot that your parents are the template for alcoholics. If it's not something they did, it's not alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

OP here. From my perspective, the issue is two-fold: (1) I was trying to identify whether other people thought it was a problem or whether I was being overly concerned about nothing (clearly, some people think that I have no reason to be concerned, but there is no need to be nasty); and (2) my DH IS drunk after what I described. (So maybe on the nights that he is drunk, he drank more than I saw, I don't know.) Drunk and not really functioning. Certainly not able to take a child to an ER should there be an emergency. Unfortunately, we have a child who does have middle of the night ER visits, and some that require staying at the ER for a considerable period of time, so my concern about a potential need to be alert in the middle of the night is not hypothetical.

I appreciate the constructive comments, both those saying there is no issue and those saying that there is an issue. I was interested in perspective. But I don't understand the nastiness. I asked a question and opinions. The people who didn't see a concern simply could say that. Calling me a twit does not advance anything here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

if you go to a professional and tell them that you are worried that your grown-ass husband drinks an entire bottle of wine a night, they're going to laugh at you. I should know - I'm a former drug and alcohol intake counselor at rehab facility. We see over the top wives like you all the time.

Do you know what real alcoholism looks like? I do and it's not some poor dad who drinks a little to numb the pain of being middle aged. The good news is that he's going to find some activity to snap him out of it. The bad news is that you're a bitchy twit who won't leave him alone. His new activity may be another woman.

And we can all thank god for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. From my perspective, the issue is two-fold: (1) I was trying to identify whether other people thought it was a problem or whether I was being overly concerned about nothing (clearly, some people think that I have no reason to be concerned, but there is no need to be nasty); and (2) my DH IS drunk after what I described. (So maybe on the nights that he is drunk, he drank more than I saw, I don't know.) Drunk and not really functioning. Certainly not able to take a child to an ER should there be an emergency. Unfortunately, we have a child who does have middle of the night ER visits, and some that require staying at the ER for a considerable period of time, so my concern about a potential need to be alert in the middle of the night is not hypothetical.

I appreciate the constructive comments, both those saying there is no issue and those saying that there is an issue. I was interested in perspective. But I don't understand the nastiness. I asked a question and opinions. The people who didn't see a concern simply could say that. Calling me a twit does not advance anything here.

It's projection. Some people have been hurt badly by the drinking of people they love. Other people have had people they love overreact & try to control enjoyable, non-problematic drinking. So, your situation becomes, in some sense, their situation and they attach those emotions to their response.

[Anonymous]

Lady - people have real problems in this world. You seem to be looking for them. You can't just be content with the way things are, you have to pick at them, wonder about them, inflame them.

You will chase your husband off, no doubt. He's not "drunk" otherwise you'd have added that his mornings are rather terrible from the hangovers. He may not be sharp as a tack after a bottle of wine, but you do not describe him behaving like a person who is drunk to the point of it being a problem.

Go sit down and chat with the lady whose husband watches so much porn that he lost two jobs and then tell me you have a bad a husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady - people have real problems in this world. You seem to be looking for them. You can't just be content with the way things are, you have to pick at them, wonder about them, inflame them.

You will chase your husband off, no doubt. He's not "drunk" otherwise you'd have added that his mornings are rather terrible from the hangovers. He may not be sharp as a tack after a bottle of wine, but you do not describe him behaving like a person who is drunk to the point of it being a problem.

Go sit down and chat with the lady whose husband watches so much porn that he lost two jobs and then tell me you have a bad a husband

She never said she had a bad husband. Go be miserable somewhere else and don't vomit it all over someone's thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

if you go to a professional and tell them that you are worried that your grown-ass husband drinks an entire bottle of wine a night, they're going to laugh at you. I should know - I'm a former drug and alcohol intake counselor at rehab facility. We see over the top wives like you all the time.

Do you know what real alcoholism looks like? I do and it's not some poor dad who drinks a little to numb the pain of being middle aged. The good news is that he's going to find some activity to snap him out of it. The bad news is that you're a bitchy twit who won't leave him alone. His new activity may be another woman.

You're not much of a counselor if you don't realize that some people like that are alcoholics.

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