Husband's Drinking

[Anonymous]

FWIW I believe there are Moderation Mgmt. programs online. I know SMART has online programs--and many prefer SMART because it doesn't do the "higher power" thing.

Like you said, perhaps treatment for depression could help too. Best of luck -- DH and I have both struggled with binge drinking but being otherwise functional people. I do think your DH is very treatable!

[Anonymous]

OP, what were the neurological issues he was having that led to a work-up?

[Anonymous]

Wow - your husband sounds great! (except for the drinking of course). Not to minimize, but after all of the posts about husbands who are angry, mean, lazy, etc. - it is nice to hear about a husband who is open to talking and very nice.

My DH is VERY into wine. We have visited vineyards as well and definitely had some nights where we would polish off 2 bottles or more when we have over friends. For him, it is not the alcohol so much but the wine itself. He never drinks excessively if it is okay wine. But if it is a really good bottle (we brought back a case from our trip to Italy), he does tend to drink too much. But it is less for the buzz and more because he loves the taste. Before kids, I would drink with him so he didn't drink as much but after foregoing alcohol when pregnant and then nursing, I somewhat lost interest in it.

For the most part, I haven't really minded his drinking. He doesn't drink wine every night - maybe a glass here or there during the week and then 2-3 glasses on weekend nights. Occasionally he would finish a bottle by himself. And he doesn't usually get drunk - he sometimes feels bad the next morning but if he doesn't mention to me, I would not notice the difference. However, he did have one night where he drank excessively with friends and came home extremely drunk. (His friend's fiancee had to pick them up and she dropped him off at our house). I was really upset with him that night because I had to clean up his vomit and I did think - what if there was an emergency with the kids - he would be in no condition to help at all.

I think that event was a wake up call for him. He had to miss a bunch of scheduled family activities the next day because he was so hung over. We had a discussion and I pointed out he has responsibilities now and it is not like when we were young and he could just sleep in all weekend. I didn't have to say much - he felt awful about the situation and had those same thoughts himself. He is now very conscious of not drinking too much and limiting himself to a couple of glasses. He realizes his tolerance is not what it used to be.

It sounds like your husband is similar except that he drinks a lot more (you said one bottle a night?). If he loves wine the way my DH does, I think it would be difficult to go cold turkey. (Kind of like giving up all sugar on a diet - makes you end up binging later). So I would agree with seeing if he can just moderate himself to a couple glasses a night. Would you be okay with that?

[Anonymous]

I know it's different for everyone, but here is how my wine drinking pattern usually goes.

1. If I'm drinking wine, it's almost always 2 glasses - that's half a bottle. No problems.

2. Occasionally, I'm in a mood and want that 3rd glass - a bit much, but nothing horrible.

3. Sometimes, the 3rd glass impairs my judgment enough that I figure, "what the hell? I'll just finish up the bottle." That never feels good the next day; but fortunately, the end of the bottle is a firewall and I never end up opening a second bottle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH might be suited for a moderation program. However, if he fails that, then complete sobriety is the only way to go.

Moderation Management requires no alcohol for 30 days and then steps to learn how to drink like normal social people drink.

http://www.moderation.org/

Yeah, it really worked for Audrey Kishline, didn't it.

by that logic, AA isn't worth trying because it doesn't work for everyone, either.
nothing is effective for everyone.
you don't know until you try.

Kishline was the founder of MM. And there are many, many people who are critical of MM. Including my own DH, who is a recovering alcoholic. MM gives a false sense of security. My DH quit for a year, and then started MM. Really didn't take long for things to get out of control again. And this was a high-functioning guy who loved wine and drank a bottle a night.

OP, my DH got a lot out of Rational Recovery. No high power stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, DH and I both drink too much out of stress, boredom and habit. Now that the weather is nicer, we are trying other things--talking a walk, sitting on the patio, making fizzy water with lime, etc. For us, opening a bottle of wine was habit and we started doing it daily! I also am under a lot of stress and would come home from a stressful day to stressful little kids (well, one stressful kid, one delight) and automatically pour a glass of wine. Dont think I'm an alcoholic, but i am clearly using alcohol to cope so have cut back.

[Anonymous]

I am happy to hear that my DH isn't being called an alcoholic, and that there is hope on the horizon. I really love my DH, but this is taking a toll on our relationship, at least from my perspective. My partner is becoming my child, and that isn't healthy. My DH has said that he'll stop drinking completely at least for the foreseeable future. We will see how that goes. Like I said, we've been known to enjoy wine together, and it will change what we do as a couple. But change can be good.

[Anonymous]

OP,
ignore 9:54. If you have concerns about his drinking, you have concerns. It is absolutely okay to bring this out, talk to him and ask him to set limits. If you are fearful of his reaction or he seems defensive, this is part of the problem. It is okay to seek outside help on your own if he breaks his promises or cannot agree to limits.

[Anonymous]

OP,

if you go to a professional and tell them that you are worried that your grown-ass husband drinks an entire bottle of wine a night, they're going to laugh at you. I should know - I'm a former drug and alcohol intake counselor at rehab facility. We see over the top wives like you all the time.

Do you know what real alcoholism looks like? I do and it's not some poor dad who drinks a little to numb the pain of being middle aged. The good news is that he's going to find some activity to snap him out of it. The bad news is that you're a bitchy twit who won't leave him alone. His new activity may be another woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

if you go to a professional and tell them that you are worried that your grown-ass husband drinks an entire bottle of wine a night, they're going to laugh at you. I should know - I'm a former drug and alcohol intake counselor at rehab facility. We see over the top wives like you all the time.

Do you know what real alcoholism looks like? I do and it's not some poor dad who drinks a little to numb the pain of being middle aged. The good news is that he's going to find some activity to snap him out of it. The bad news is that you're a bitchy twit who won't leave him alone. His new activity may be another woman.

I can't imagine a decent counselor laughing off OP's concerns. You may have been a counselor but you weren't a good one. Geez.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is being bitchy at all. However, I do agree that what I've heard described of DH's behavior doesn't sound like alcoholism to me.

Our society has a big Puritan streak running through it, and sometimes, I think it gets in the way of sensible discussions about what the range of non-worrisome alcohol use might encompass. There are other cultures where people get routinely bombed without it automatically being alcoholism.

At this point, we don't have enough information. Some folks could be drinking less but having it cause more problems in their life, and it being a serious problem. Others could be drinking more without it causing problems.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe these posts. Yes, the man is an alcoholic. His wife only knows what he is drinking in front of her, she has no idea how much he is really drinking. Alcoholics are addicts. They cannot give up drinking even if it takes a toll on their lives. That's addiction. They can stop for a while, they can be brilliant maintenance drinkers, and they will totally fool you.

This is a woman that worries about her husband drinking enough to not want to leave her children with him. She needs to get help for herself, Al-Anon is a good place to start. It's not up to her to fix him, it's up to her to understand what she is dealing with, and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe these posts. Yes, the man is an alcoholic. His wife only knows what he is drinking in front of her, she has no idea how much he is really drinking. Alcoholics are addicts. They cannot give up drinking even if it takes a toll on their lives. That's addiction. They can stop for a while, they can be brilliant maintenance drinkers, and they will totally fool you.

This is a woman that worries about her husband drinking enough to not want to leave her children with him. She needs to get help for herself, Al-Anon is a good place to start. It's not up to her to fix him, it's up to her to understand what she is dealing with, and go from there.

The parts I'm not sure you're accounting for are: 1) Sometimes non-alcoholics drink bottles of wine; and 2) Sometimes spouses worry more than they need to about their SO drinking. So, your certainty that he's an alcoholic and that OP's worries are proportional to the problem are not necessarily well founded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

if you go to a professional and tell them that you are worried that your grown-ass husband drinks an entire bottle of wine a night, they're going to laugh at you. I should know - I'm a former drug and alcohol intake counselor at rehab facility. We see over the top wives like you all the time.

Do you know what real alcoholism looks like? I do and it's not some poor dad who drinks a little to numb the pain of being middle aged. The good news is that he's going to find some activity to snap him out of it. The bad news is that you're a bitchy twit who won't leave him alone. His new activity may be another woman.

You're not much of a counselor if you don't realize that some people like that are alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

OP, so many people on DCUM worry about that label "alcoholic." Let's say your husband is not an alcoholic - he still has a serious problem, right? And it's one that he seems less interested in dealing with than you do. Here's website that may be useful - I think I learned about it on DCUM:

http://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/default.asp

Your husband has a serious problem regardless of what you call it. But call it "alcohol use disorder" if you like. You still have a tough road ahead of you because he is not as committed as you are to addressing this. Sorry that you have to be the grown up here. Good luck!