The helicopter parents won - a look back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents will complain about their kids free time, if they have free time all they'll do is stare at a screen. But, excessive screen time is still an option with their kid. It should be pretty simple to fix this. Kids need to figure out what to do without screens and organized activities.

Well, back in my day kids were drinking, smoking and having sex. Should we go back to that?

No of course not, but not all kids back in the day or now will do that either.

What's wrong with the activities? You'd prefer they do anything but that without saying why?

Nothing wrong with organized activities if kids really want them. But, kids are overscheduled and do need to learn what to do without so many activities and screens.

Kids are over scheduled? How so? And why do they need to learn to do without a schedule? Is your life unscheduled? Also what age are you talking about 6 or 16?

Kids are busier than ever before with activities and add on hw on top of that. Never mind the fact that alot of parents don't seem to value kids having free time anymore. Yes, it is important for kids to have free time and manage free time without always having something on a schedule .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents will complain about their kids free time, if they have free time all they'll do is stare at a screen. But, excessive screen time is still an option with their kid. It should be pretty simple to fix this. Kids need to figure out what to do without screens and organized activities.

Well, back in my day kids were drinking, smoking and having sex. Should we go back to that?

No of course not, but not all kids back in the day or now will do that either.

What's wrong with the activities? You'd prefer they do anything but that without saying why?

Nothing wrong with organized activities if kids really want them. But, kids are overscheduled and do need to learn what to do without so many activities and screens.

Kids are over scheduled? How so? And why do they need to learn to do without a schedule? Is your life unscheduled? Also what age are you talking about 6 or 16?

Kids are busier than ever before with activities and add on hw on top of that. Never mind the fact that alot of parents don't seem to value kids having free time anymore. Yes, it is important for kids to have free time and manage free time without always having something on a schedule .

Why? What is so very important about this?

[Anonymous]

OP I get what you are saying. My kids haven’t started HS yet but I sometimes wonder how much I should push them. Here is the thing—-I think UMC parents see the writing on the wall and know that resources will be even scarcer to come by in the future. Thing is I don’t think the playbook that worked for many current UMC (go to good school, major in the “right” thing) will necessarily work for future generations. Also-as an immigrant—the way many people/parents view ECs is very weird. I want my kids to try their best at ECs not to get into good colleges but to build up traits like perseverance and explore their interests. I also tell them it’s never too late to pick up a hobby. I’ve picked up a couple as an adult. The fact that you are willing to try new things (and fail) is a plus in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sending my youngest to college next year. He got into a good school early addmission and all of my kids did well. But as I look back on this parenting experience it occurs to me that the kids with the fanaticaly involved parents did the best - academically and athletically.

When the kids were in early elementary school, I remember shaking my head as my fellow parents talked about advanced math tutoring for their kindergartener or plotting to get their second grader on the most competitive travel team. At the time it seemed so silly to chart out the life of a kid who still needed naps. [b]However, looking at those kids now - those are the kids who are going on to play sports at top colleges.

My takeaway is that even if you are a committed free range parent - your kid is in a competitive environment competing for scarce opportunities to go to top schools and play for competitive school teams.

I’m not unhappy about how my kids turned out or their experience in high School. But I don’t think I realized the the decision not to push advanced math in grade school meant a diminished opportunity to go to Tech or UMD. I definitely didn’t realize that only doing town baseball (and not travel) meant that they wouldn’t make the highschool team.

It not like my kids were slouches. They played on at least one rec team every season. Swim team in the summer and got good grades and scores on standardized tests.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve pushed harder our results would’ve been much better.

I mean, it's a little odd that you regard that as an envious accomplishment. I wouldn't wish that for my children in a million years. Being a college athlete would suck. The team owns you. It wouldn't be an authentic college experience. And, with the exception of a slice of football and basketball players, there's no meaningful career to go into in the sport afterwards.

Same for pushing math and STEM artificially. I mean, if your kid has natural aptitude, by all means, challenge them. But trying to engineer it or force a love for it in a kid who is inclined in the humanities is silly. And the joke's on them -- STEM careers aren't future proof and we're in the process of seeing a massive shakeout of disruption. On the flip side, kids with liberal arts degrees are going to be super high demand by employers, including tech employers, in the coming decades.

So, I'm with #teamadequateparenting. You got them launched. You did your job. Don't compare -- they may have gotten what they wanted, but it was likely a Faustian bargain.

This! I couldn't have said this better. I want my kids to be successful but that looks different for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day, I read another post on here that makes me extra grateful for my academically and athletically average kids, who are happy, kind and on the path to becoming thoughtful, autonomous adults. It used to give me a little bit of anxiety thinking that they likely won’t have a shot at top colleges, but the more time I spend here, the better I feel about it. Life is short. Enjoy your kids while you have them with you. Don’t use words like “results” to measure your brief time with them. They’re only just beginning.

So much this!! Our kids need love and our time not constant criticizing and measuring/comparing them to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get what you are saying. My kids haven’t started HS yet but I sometimes wonder how much I should push them. Here is the thing—-I think UMC parents see the writing on the wall and know that resources will be even scarcer to come by in the future. Thing is I don’t think the playbook that worked for many current UMC (go to good school, major in the “right” thing) will necessarily work for future generations. Also-as an immigrant—the way many people/parents view ECs is very weird. I want my kids to try their best at ECs not to get into good colleges but to build up traits like perseverance and explore their interests. I also tell them it’s never too late to pick up a hobby. I’ve picked up a couple as an adult. The fact that you are willing to try new things (and fail) is a plus in my book.

I don’t think anyone really knows what playbook is going to work right now. The kids going into trades might be the smartest ones right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these people saying playing just for fun have kids ages 8 and under.

I promise you that's not true

Fine. 12 and under.

Nope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents will complain about their kids free time, if they have free time all they'll do is stare at a screen. But, excessive screen time is still an option with their kid. It should be pretty simple to fix this. Kids need to figure out what to do without screens and organized activities.

Well, back in my day kids were drinking, smoking and having sex. Should we go back to that?

No of course not, but not all kids back in the day or now will do that either.

What's wrong with the activities? You'd prefer they do anything but that without saying why?

Nothing wrong with organized activities if kids really want them. But, kids are overscheduled and do need to learn what to do without so many activities and screens.

Kids are over scheduled? How so? And why do they need to learn to do without a schedule? Is your life unscheduled? Also what age are you talking about 6 or 16?

Kids are busier than ever before with activities and add on hw on top of that. Never mind the fact that alot of parents don't seem to value kids having free time anymore. Yes, it is important for kids to have free time and manage free time without always having something on a schedule .

Why? What is so very important about this?

Because even adults need some down time. We aren't robots. No one is saying they should be blobs at home but every minute should not be scheduled.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can know how successful a style of parenting was until you can see how they're doing 20 years after high school and have a large sample size.

[Anonymous]

Slam the door ignore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day, I read another post on here that makes me extra grateful for my academically and athletically average kids, who are happy, kind and on the path to becoming thoughtful, autonomous adults. It used to give me a little bit of anxiety thinking that they likely won’t have a shot at top colleges, but the more time I spend here, the better I feel about it. Life is short. Enjoy your kids while you have them with you. Don’t use words like “results” to measure your brief time with them. They’re only just beginning.

So much this!! Our kids need love and our time not constant criticizing and measuring/comparing them to others.

I don’t work so I can spend time with my kids. I agree that the time we have with them is brief.

My mentality is different though. I want to give them the tools to be successful in life. If they weren’t doing their academics, sports and activities, they would be playing more video games.

My parents were immigrants and didn’t have the tools to assist me. My kids are extremely well rounded, well traveled and loved. My immigrant parents loved me just as much. They did the best they could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day, I read another post on here that makes me extra grateful for my academically and athletically average kids, who are happy, kind and on the path to becoming thoughtful, autonomous adults. It used to give me a little bit of anxiety thinking that they likely won’t have a shot at top colleges, but the more time I spend here, the better I feel about it. Life is short. Enjoy your kids while you have them with you. Don’t use words like “results” to measure your brief time with them. They’re only just beginning.

So much this!! Our kids need love and our time not constant criticizing and measuring/comparing them to others.

I don’t work so I can spend time with my kids. I agree that the time we have with them is brief.

My mentality is different though. I want to give them the tools to be successful in life. If they weren’t doing their academics, sports and activities, they would be playing more video games.

My parents were immigrants and didn’t have the tools to assist me. My kids are extremely well rounded, well traveled and loved. My immigrant parents loved me just as much. They did the best they could.

Cocky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents will complain about their kids free time, if they have free time all they'll do is stare at a screen. But, excessive screen time is still an option with their kid. It should be pretty simple to fix this. Kids need to figure out what to do without screens and organized activities.

Well, back in my day kids were drinking, smoking and having sex. Should we go back to that?

No of course not, but not all kids back in the day or now will do that either.

What's wrong with the activities? You'd prefer they do anything but that without saying why?

Nothing wrong with organized activities if kids really want them. But, kids are overscheduled and do need to learn what to do without so many activities and screens.

Kids are over scheduled? How so? And why do they need to learn to do without a schedule? Is your life unscheduled? Also what age are you talking about 6 or 16?

Kids are busier than ever before with activities and add on hw on top of that. Never mind the fact that alot of parents don't seem to value kids having free time anymore. Yes, it is important for kids to have free time and manage free time without always having something on a schedule .

Why? What is so very important about this?

Because even adults need some down time. We aren't robots. No one is saying they should be blobs at home but every minute should not be scheduled.

But every minute isn't scheduled. Who are these kids you're talking about who never have a free moment? I've never met one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day, I read another post on here that makes me extra grateful for my academically and athletically average kids, who are happy, kind and on the path to becoming thoughtful, autonomous adults. It used to give me a little bit of anxiety thinking that they likely won’t have a shot at top colleges, but the more time I spend here, the better I feel about it. Life is short. Enjoy your kids while you have them with you. Don’t use words like “results” to measure your brief time with them. They’re only just beginning.

So much this!! Our kids need love and our time not constant criticizing and measuring/comparing them to others.

I don’t work so I can spend time with my kids. I agree that the time we have with them is brief.

My mentality is different though. I want to give them the tools to be successful in life. If they weren’t doing their academics, sports and activities, they would be playing more video games.

My parents were immigrants and didn’t have the tools to assist me. My kids are extremely well rounded, well traveled and loved. My immigrant parents loved me just as much. They did the best they could.

Cocky?

Yes crack the whip

[Anonymous]

NP. I didn't read all the comments, and I agree with your original post. My children are very different from each other, but my older child is the only high-achiever. I think he is better off partly BECAUSE we didn't push. He is self-sufficient and capable, which I'm not sure he would be if we were helicopter parents. My younger child probably would have done "better" with more pushing, but then again, he would be dependent on us in ways that he just isn't. I have a colleague whose child went to a great college and is in a great graduate school, but the things my colleague does for her young adult child blows my mind.