I feel like I was a much nicer and kinder person when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we were naïve when younger. you think it's bad now, wait until you get to late 50s or older. you will be 100000x bitter

While that might be true if OP doesn't get some help now, it's not universally true for people in their late 50s. I am late 50s and am much nicer and kinder now than when I was younger. Maybe I am just more chill, or I learned that being being nice requires less effort than being angry, or I see the downside of my mother's conspiracy theories about everyday situations. Whatever the cause it is certainly a more pleasant way to live.

OP I echo what others have said about getting therapy. It's not to late to turn things around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think I was nicer. I n ow realize I was codependent. I had poor boundaries and would do anything for anyone searching for approval. Now I have boundaries and am there for my family and those who mean the most to me. I am less of a people pleaser. I can smell manipulation and I run.

I think you're confusing co-dependency with being nice. I posted upthread about being happy in my 60s. I was also very co-dependent when I was younger. Learning to set boundaries actually allowed me to be nicer towards other people. I can be nice to them and not fall for their craziness and and not play along. I can have compassion for the addicts I know but not let them run my life. Whereas in the past I was so caught up in taking care of people, I looked on the outside like a nice person but I was seething inside. Anyway, here's to setting boundaries, pp! You rock!

[Anonymous]

Losing patience with children. And I teach. Unacceptable, so sometimes I feel like a shell making sure the emotions coming out of me are patient and even funny and engaging. But I’m not internally tolerant of entitled kids.

[Anonymous]

A good sense of humor and faith in God makes all things more bearable. If I wrote the story of my life here, no one would believe it. So many terrible, tragic things I've experienced in almost half a century of living.... but I spend the majority of my time laughing and having fun. I can make a joke about anything. It's all about perspective. You can laugh or you can cry. Laughing is better. Keeps you young at heart. Change your perspective, OP. You're the only one who can.

[Anonymous]

I think I am nicer now! I was pretty cocky when I was young - I thought I was so smart and everyone else were idiots! Getting older, having kids and generally living life has made me more humble; life and people are not so black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too find myself angrier as I age, but not so much at myself. My previous attitude of live at let live, be your best fabulous self, has steadily given way to a complete lack of sympathy toward people who choose to live dumpster fire lives and then yell oppression whenever anyone tries to help them.

Yep. Me too. I just to think being a nice, caring person was a good thing. The more I hear that it's not, the more exhausted and unsympathetic I become.

Me three. I feel like I've seen it all now - no human behavior surprises me anymore, but so much of it exhausts me, and sometimes it really disgusts me. I do believe that most people are good and decent, but I'm also beginning to wonder if there are fewer good people in the world than I once believed.

And yes to the dumpster fire/victims too. I'm like, GROW the F UP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, why?

How is it that some people manage to keep their nice despite life-happens and others don’t?

Born or married into money helps a LOT.

Well, perhaps because it insulates you from all the horrible people and demeaning experiences that ordinary people take for granted. But I don't think it necessarily makes people true nicer, given my friend group. Some of the meanest and most competitive, petty women I know do not work and have married successful men.

Why petty? Because they are fighting over whose kid got into Yale and Notre Dame, putting down everyone else's kids. Starting wars over who sits where at luncheons. Getting teachers fired.

So I disagree with this.

[Anonymous]

I think I am more realistic now. I used to think I could save the world and after this pandemic I feel like everyone is out for themselves so why bother.

On a personal level, I am less nice but more compassionate, if that makes sense. I don’t fall all over myself to be friendly or impress, but I am more understanding and forgiving and less judgmental.

I am sadder because I see some people can’t change (my family) and have given up on that. But I am also happier because my life is going pretty darn well.

[Anonymous]

Everything is how you look at it in life. You have a choice.

[Anonymous]

We've all been through a lot since the start of the pandemic AND you're in the prime time to be experiencing perimenopause and hormonal shifts. Were you super nice as a teenager when you were experiencing hormonal shifts? Probably not.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you're really hard on yourself and have super high expectations for life and yourself. Now that they aren't matching, you are beating yourself up, which is just making things worse.

I do think therapy could help, and I don't think it means you are "weak," as you said. I don't know why you would think that.

What others have said about shifting perspective on what matters and how much you are willing to put up with are also very real and do not need to mean you are a less nice person. You can be kind and nice while prioritizing what matters to you and saying "no" and not caring what other people think of your decisions and actions.

A research-based tip I got that has helped is to think of three happy things from the day as you are falling asleep. Imaging yourself rewiring your brain to be thinking more positive, happy thoughts as you do this. Keep it up for at least three months, and see if it helps your mood overall. Your brain can get in a rut of seeing the negative and thinking about the negative. Once you start thinking about the good things and really paying attention to the good feelings they bring with them, it can really change and rewire your brain for more positive thinking overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older you get the more you have seen and experienced. After trying to hold everyone’s sh*t together, you no longer care. You just want to be left alone or be only with people who have their stuff together.

.

I think you hit the cause in some way.

Also, one of the theories stated does not apply always… it was not a lid that got blown up, definitely. It was a pure nice which transformed into a negative. I don’t think journaling will help to get it back. Maybe a trip to Nepal for an extended amount of time or something… I don’t know. I’m trying to be grateful though but then it’s an effort. In the past, it was all natural.
OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've all been through a lot since the start of the pandemic AND you're in the prime time to be experiencing perimenopause and hormonal shifts. Were you super nice as a teenager when you were experiencing hormonal shifts? Probably not.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you're really hard on yourself and have super high expectations for life and yourself. Now that they aren't matching, you are beating yourself up, which is just making things worse.

I do think therapy could help, and I don't think it means you are "weak," as you said. I don't know why you would think that.

What others have said about shifting perspective on what matters and how much you are willing to put up with are also very real and do not need to mean you are a less nice person. You can be kind and nice while prioritizing what matters to you and saying "no" and not caring what other people think of your decisions and actions.

A research-based tip I got that has helped is to think of three happy things from the day as you are falling asleep. Imaging yourself rewiring your brain to be thinking more positive, happy thoughts as you do this. Keep it up for at least three months, and see if it helps your mood overall. Your brain can get in a rut of seeing the negative and thinking about the negative. Once you start thinking about the good things and really paying attention to the good feelings they bring with them, it can really change and rewire your brain for more positive thinking overall.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I deleted the rest of my reply as it’s too depressing.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's hormones. Seriously. I'm the same age and feel inexplicably angry sometimes. It reminds me of bad PMS. I had a hysterectomy so I no longer get periods but I definitely still feel premenstrual at times.

[Anonymous]

It could be a sign of depression - maybe do a depression screening.

I've found that as I age I'm just as nice, but I have better boundaries. I'm not rude to people, but I don't take crap from them either.

[Anonymous]

Practice gratitude. It does wonders.