Reply to Should I have a second kid at 38 (DH 52), or are we just too old?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like you could bridge over the next few years with more nanny care.  Get a weekend nanny when your DH travels.  If he feels he is too old, I wouldn't push him, but the really physically active part of parenting will ease up in 6 years or so and the nanny can take on a lot of it.  If he truly wants the baby it's not insurmountable.

Having an older parent can be socially awkward, especially if he's not healthy.  But [b]I think the worst way it is hard because it may thrust them into eldercare and loss at a young age when they're not ready to handle it.  
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Here's the thing about [b]the adult children, though.  They might not be less time-intensive than they are now.  [/b]What happens when they have children of their own and want your DH to be the doting grandpa?  Or what if a real actual problem crops up that requires more than occasional visits?  How will you feel about all of this?

Honestly, I don't really understand why you would marry someone with adult children if it bothers you that he would visit them.  How often does he actually visit them?  Would you feel better about it if he didn't travel for work?

[b]All too often in second marriages, there just isn't enough Dad to go around.  [/b]Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough attention.  But the new wife is young and naive, doesn't know much about parenting older children and young adults. The DH wants the new wife, wants the new kids, wants everyone to be happy, but he's just not able to meet everyone's expectations.  That's the way it goes.[/quote]

All this.  There is some social awkwardness, but it's more things like a dad who needs more care himself or doesn't have the energy to be really available during childhood and adolescence.  You might not be chasing your teen around the playground, but they still need time and attention and energy as they move into adulthood.  And if your spouse gets sick or injured or otherwise needs more intensive care, your kids may be pushed into being caregivers, or you may not have enough bandwidth for both spousal and child care.  Saving for college so close to retirement is hard.  My husband is older, and he's active and in good health, but he just doesn't have the energy he had even ten years ago.

And having a second kid because your husband already spends too much time and resources (in your opinion) on his other kids is not a solution.  There will just be less time and attention and resources to go around.  And then his kids have children, and he's trying to be a dad to his little kids and a grandfather to his grandkids, so he's either spread even thinner or [b]someone gets the shaft (or thinks they do) and feels resentful[/b].  [/quote]

It seems like OP is already at the point of feeling resentful. I do think with school-age children, it's less crushingly exhausting and boring to be alone for the weekend, and with two they might self-entertain better than an only.  But overall this is the gist of it.

OP, what are your DH's retirement plans?  If he stops working, or steps down to a less travel-intensive job, then maybe he could effectively be the father of 4 and grandfather of however many.  But then there might not be enough money.  See how this situation just kind of boxes people in?  That's what happens when people have more children than they can actually handle.  There isn't a good solution.

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Yeah, if you think he expends too many resources on his adult kids, it's only going to get worse if he retires and has less income (just as your kids are entering college).  If you just wish he was around more, it might help, although if his kids have kids, he may want to spend time with his grandkids.  [/quote]

+1. His adult kids are still his kids and hopefully he can enjoy being a grandad soon. Given your family dynamic I don’t think introducing another child into the mix would be wise. [/quote]

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