Could this work short term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a simliar situation--no sex for many years and not planned pregnancy (without cheating). He would not agree to an open marriage. We divorced. It's fine. I feel so much better than being married.

I guess the hassle of divorce seems unnecessary right now. We both want the house, we don’t like the idea of figuring out custody stuff or putting the kids through all the changes that go with it. Plus, I don’t hate the guy. Divorce seems so hostile. I don’t mind continuing to live the way we do. I’m happy with our lives and want him happy too. If that means he sees someone else for fulfillment than so be it.

If he got serious with someone else that would be a different situation. Obviously we’d have to reevaluate. Things would probably have to change then…

I really think it is fine to stay married in this situation. I am the poster who had a situation where I would be fine but he did not want an open marriage. Emotions for me in a divorce were nonexistent...exactly like the marriage. The logistics of housing has been the biggest PIA. Guess what? We are divorced and still roomates. COVID happened as it was final. Nothing has changed. My sense is whether you are married or divorced, not much will change. Most people do not understand these situations but I totally get it.

I would just do what you plan until it does not work anymore...thern reevaluate later.

That’s my goal. We’re both on the same page so other than others not understanding or judgment I don’t see why we can’t try. I feel like this is preferable to immediately proceeding with divorce and having him move out. Of course,
If that’s what he wants than that’s what he wants. But for now, we seem to agree on how we want this to play out for now.

I wish you the best. I get it. I would do it for as long as it works. People need to understand that not every marriage or family looks the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you plan on modeling affection between you two in front of your kids?

I guess we slipped up on that front a decade ago. We are kind, caring, and respectful to one another but they don’t see us affectionate.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband know you are a lesbian? It sounds like you’ve been married a long time and I feel for you having to repress your sexuality for that long a time. At what point do you plan to tell your children? You really need to think through how you want to plan out the rest of your life and the effect it will have on your children. On the surface you likely appear to be a very happy couple to your children but you are living a lie that someday will get out. I’m not being judgmental because I feel for you and wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you plan on modeling affection between you two in front of your kids?

I guess we slipped up on that front a decade ago. We are kind, caring, and respectful to one another but they don’t see us affectionate.

I reiterate that I think your plan is fine until it does not work for you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know you are a lesbian? It sounds like you’ve been married a long time and I feel for you having to repress your sexuality for that long a time. At what point do you plan to tell your children? You really need to think through how you want to plan out the rest of your life and the effect it will have on your children. On the surface you likely appear to be a very happy couple to your children but you are living a lie that someday will get out. I’m not being judgmental because I feel for you and wish you well.

If she is fine with it, she’s not living a lie.

[Anonymous]

Well you+he aren't having sex so..... OF COURSE he is getting his sex elsewhere! Was that even a serious question?!?

What is new/different now, versus 6 months ago, which makes you think your platonic marriage suddenly no longer works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband know you are a lesbian? It sounds like you’ve been married a long time and I feel for you having to repress your sexuality for that long a time. At what point do you plan to tell your children? You really need to think through how you want to plan out the rest of your life and the effect it will have on your children. On the surface you likely appear to be a very happy couple to your children but you are living a lie that someday will get out. I’m not being judgmental because I feel for you and wish you well.

Yes. When he came clean about the affair we had a 4 hour long deep conversation about our realities. I told him I thought I may be attracted to women exclusively, he wasn’t surprised.

I don’t know if we’ll tell our kids anything? They’re not aware of our sex life so it feels weird to sit our 15 year olds down and tell them, “Oh! By the way your parents never have sex but you’re dad has started an affair and your mom thinks she’s a repressed lesbian.” That feels like a lot to put on two young teens and our 6&11-year-old definitely won’t understand.

They’d definitely all need to know if we were divorcing or dad was moving out. That directly affects them, we both think negatively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well you+he aren't having sex so..... OF COURSE he is getting his sex elsewhere! Was that even a serious question?!?

What is new/different now, versus 6 months ago, which makes you think your platonic marriage suddenly no longer works?

Did you thoroughly read my original post? You seem a bit confused about what I’m asking.