I hate my girlfriends mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother!

OP here. This. I would feel different if she were handling things in a different way, but she has been amazing at overcoming it and put herself into therapy to learn ways to deal with it.

I don’t think her mother is a narcissist. I think she is very insecure and is jealous of those around her. She lashes out and is a miserable person. She has said very rude things about my mom because she is very close with my girlfriend.

This woman is a terrible excuse for a mother. She abandoned her and her siblings ( all under 10) with an alcoholic and drug addicted father because she no longer wanted that life. She was a teen mom and got married way too young. She started a new life with her now stepdad and only came back in their her life 4 years later when my girlfriends dad got sent to jail for nearly killing her brother. She actually said she didn’t want to ruin her perfect life and contemplated letting her kids become a ward of the state. She did take them and was very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive growing up. Always putting them down, calling them names, never wanting to spend time with them, etc. She favored her other child over them. Her oldest brother cut her off when she started to babysit his grandkids ( little kids) and would cuss at them and be verbally abusive when they wouldn’t listen. She would call them stupid and threaten to hit them. She is a very hateful person and it’s hard to have a conversation because you never know if she will be nice or be mean. There is so much more but I won’t go into details about it all.

Odds are your girlfriend's mother has abused herself as a child, She also may have a mental illness. I'm not saying this to say you and your girlfriend need to have a relationship with her, but sometimes it helps to see the parent as the wounded and damaged person they are and not just as evil.

Because of the trauma and abuse your girlfriend experienced it's extremely important she maintains going to therapy. We tend to repeat patterns in the best defense against that is to be proactive one way of doing that is therapy the other is parenting classes. Tools like this will make your girlfriend more confident when she becomes a mother and in dealing with her own mother.

As for the relationship that's largely for your girlfriend to decide what kind of contact she wants with her mother. You can have more input when it comes to your kids for example you may decide together she's never to see your kids or you may decide she's never to be around the kids alone and there's only extremely limited contact like facetime.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she needs a good F to straighten her out!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you and your GF are on the same page and have each other's backs, so all of that is really good.

I recommend that both read "Toxic In-Laws" and "Toxic Parents" and discuss the books. They might give you some strategies beyond what your GF has learned in therapy.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You’ll be fine, OP, because your future wife sees her mother for what she is, so you can present a united front.

Please move far away from this woman, it will facilitate distancing and boundary creation.

This is what I did with my mother: the Atlantic is between us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

So no one should ever marry someone with shitty parents? So on top of having an abusive childhood you should also be punished and condemned to spend the rest of your life alone because you might contaminate the perfect people with your sad life? What should we do with all these poor sad people who don't deserve to get married or have a life?

I was thinking this, too. Do most people have really healthy nuclear families and extended families? Because that has not been my experience. Knowing how to put up and maintain appropriate boundaries, though, that's critical. And not everyone can do that. It sounds like OP's gf can. I would bear in mind those boundaries might change as others have mentioned. For illnesses, etc. That does not have to mean "no" boundaries. It just might mean "changed" boundaries. Only OP knows whether his girlfriend is handling this in a healthy way, and whether she has a good chance of standing by the intent of her convictions if/when they have kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry this woman. Just don't

So no one should ever marry someone with shitty parents? So on top of having an abusive childhood you should also be punished and condemned to spend the rest of your life alone because you might contaminate the perfect people with your sad life? What should we do with all these poor sad people who don't deserve to get married or have a life?

I was thinking this, too. Do most people have really healthy nuclear families and extended families? Because that has not been my experience. Knowing how to put up and maintain appropriate boundaries, though, that's critical. And not everyone can do that. It sounds like OP's gf can. I would bear in mind those boundaries might change as others have mentioned. For illnesses, etc. That does not have to mean "no" boundaries. It just might mean "changed" boundaries. Only OP knows whether his girlfriend is handling this in a healthy way, and whether she has a good chance of standing by the intent of her convictions if/when they have kids, etc.

The fact that OP hates his gf's mother is evidence there are not healthy boundaries in place and gf has not emotionally separated from her mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother!

OP here. This. I would feel different if she were handling things in a different way, but she has been amazing at overcoming it and put herself into therapy to learn ways to deal with it.

I don’t think her mother is a narcissist. I think she is very insecure and is jealous of those around her. She lashes out and is a miserable person. She has said very rude things about my mom because she is very close with my girlfriend.

This woman is a terrible excuse for a mother. She abandoned her and her siblings ( all under 10) with an alcoholic and drug addicted father because she no longer wanted that life. She was a teen mom and got married way too young. She started a new life with her now stepdad and only came back in their her life 4 years later when my girlfriends dad got sent to jail for nearly killing her brother. She actually said she didn’t want to ruin her perfect life and contemplated letting her kids become a ward of the state. She did take them and was very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive growing up. Always putting them down, calling them names, never wanting to spend time with them, etc. She favored her other child over them. Her oldest brother cut her off when she started to babysit his grandkids ( little kids) and would cuss at them and be verbally abusive when they wouldn’t listen. She would call them stupid and threaten to hit them. She is a very hateful person and it’s hard to have a conversation because you never know if she will be nice or be mean. There is so much more but I won’t go into details about it all.

Are saying that your GF mom ran away from home at age 10 due to a toxic addict father and you blame her for not takin all her young siblings with her?

This is where caps, police and family court needs to do the right thing.

Glad people are breaking the cycle and am sorry the Mom could not and did not get therapy (which isn’t cheap when life demands kick in).

I think you’ll be fine, just keep distance. Many families have people withy issues like this or hereditary mental disorders. You have to leave, divorce, change thugs to break the cycle. It takes real grit but can be done.

[Anonymous]

I've never met anyone who decided not to marry someone when they realized how toxic and horrible their in-laws, or one of them, were. I have, however, met numerous people who wished they had.

Minimally you should live as far away as you can get. I know of one young man who moved his family halfway around the world (Europe) to get away from his psycho toxic mother. It wasn't far enough, she showed up and stayed for six months. So then they moved completely around the world (Asia) and that's working out better. They have no plans to come back anytime soon either.

[Anonymous]

My mother was awful and after my father died all contact ended. It’s been so peaceful not having to deal with her. I have a wonderful MIL and she is a far bigger part of my life than my mother ever was. Just because someone is a blood relative doesn’t mean they have the right to make your life a living hell.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago I had a GF whose parents were racists once referring to Blacks as spearchuckers with me sitting at the dining room table. She tolerated it because they were her parents but I could tell it ate at her deeply. We eventually broke up after I told her parents what I thought of them. A year later she had to be institutionalized for severe depression. I do worry about the long term effects on someone who grew up in a toxic household.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My mom is exactly like your girlfriend's mother. My husband hates her, and I do, too. Fortunately, we have never had issues because of her, because she lives far away and I rarely speak to her. We keep visits to one every three years.

Good luck! A potential mother-in-law like this is not a reason to run away from a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Im divorced, so take this as you wish. What i have learned is that its very hard to have a normal/secure/loving/peaceful relationship with people who had traumatic childhood. Even when they realized their childhood was traumatic, hate/separate themselves from the parents, it comes back to haunt them. Their attachment style was broken and is usually an insecure style. Now i am not saying that these relationships never work or won’t work but they are very challenging emotionally and will impact your life regardless of what boundaries you put in place or how far away you move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother!

OP here. This. I would feel different if she were handling things in a different way, but she has been amazing at overcoming it and put herself into therapy to learn ways to deal with it.

I don’t think her mother is a narcissist. I think she is very insecure and is jealous of those around her. She lashes out and is a miserable person. She has said very rude things about my mom because she is very close with my girlfriend.

This woman is a terrible excuse for a mother. She abandoned her and her siblings ( all under 10) with an alcoholic and drug addicted father because she no longer wanted that life. She was a teen mom and got married way too young. She started a new life with her now stepdad and only came back in their her life 4 years later when my girlfriends dad got sent to jail for nearly killing her brother. She actually said she didn’t want to ruin her perfect life and contemplated letting her kids become a ward of the state. She did take them and was very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive growing up. Always putting them down, calling them names, never wanting to spend time with them, etc. She favored her other child over them. Her oldest brother cut her off when she started to babysit his grandkids ( little kids) and would cuss at them and be verbally abusive when they wouldn’t listen. She would call them stupid and threaten to hit them. She is a very hateful person and it’s hard to have a conversation because you never know if she will be nice or be mean. There is so much more but I won’t go into details about it all.

Are saying that your GF mom ran away from home at age 10 due to a toxic addict father and you blame her for not takin all her young siblings with her?

This is where caps, police and family court needs to do the right thing.

Glad people are breaking the cycle and am sorry the Mom could not and did not get therapy (which isn’t cheap when life demands kick in).

I think you’ll be fine, just keep distance. Many families have people withy issues like this or hereditary mental disorders. You have to leave, divorce, change thugs to break the cycle. It takes real grit but can be done.

No. I think OP meant that her mom abandoned her and her siblings to run off of because she didn’t want that life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odds are very high she will turn into her mother or feel differently once she has kids. I've seen it happen.

Totally disagree. I love my mom so much but there are many things about her that drive me up the wall, and I do not allow myself to have those traits AT ALL. If girlfriend is self-aware, she’ll avoid growing into her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother!

OP here. This. I would feel different if she were handling things in a different way, but she has been amazing at overcoming it and put herself into therapy to learn ways to deal with it.

I don’t think her mother is a narcissist. I think she is very insecure and is jealous of those around her. She lashes out and is a miserable person. She has said very rude things about my mom because she is very close with my girlfriend.

This woman is a terrible excuse for a mother. She abandoned her and her siblings ( all under 10) with an alcoholic and drug addicted father because she no longer wanted that life. She was a teen mom and got married way too young. She started a new life with her now stepdad and only came back in their her life 4 years later when my girlfriends dad got sent to jail for nearly killing her brother. She actually said she didn’t want to ruin her perfect life and contemplated letting her kids become a ward of the state. She did take them and was very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive growing up. Always putting them down, calling them names, never wanting to spend time with them, etc. She favored her other child over them. Her oldest brother cut her off when she started to babysit his grandkids ( little kids) and would cuss at them and be verbally abusive when they wouldn’t listen. She would call them stupid and threaten to hit them. She is a very hateful person and it’s hard to have a conversation because you never know if she will be nice or be mean. There is so much more but I won’t go into details about it all.

Are saying that your GF mom ran away from home at age 10 due to a toxic addict father and you blame her for not takin all her young siblings with her?

This is where caps, police and family court needs to do the right thing.

Glad people are breaking the cycle and am sorry the Mom could not and did not get therapy (which isn’t cheap when life demands kick in).

I think you’ll be fine, just keep distance. Many families have people withy issues like this or hereditary mental disorders. You have to leave, divorce, change thugs to break the cycle. It takes real grit but can be done.

Lol people need to learn to read better. The mom abandoned the girlfriend (her child) and the girlfriend’s siblings (her other children) while the mother was an adult and girlfriend and siblings were under 10 years old. The mom abandoned her children to an abusive man with addiction issues because she didn’t like the lifestyle anymore, and the children were stuck there until the state intervened.