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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You could be describing my MIL, and my wife has been very clear that her mom was a disaster. We’ve learned together how to deal with my MIL over the years and my wife’s ability to overcome her dysfunctional family background is one of the many amazing things about my wife. As others have said, the key is making sure that you’re on the same page. I also ready some books about narcissistic MILs that really helped, and we lived across the country from my MIL for many years and cut her off when things got abusive.

My MIL has mellowed over the years some, and as long as we stick to our boundaries, we all get along ok. So good luck to you OP and I congratulate your GF for being able to see that she can be strong and independent away from her crazy mother![/quote]

OP here. This. I would feel different if she were handling things in a different way, but she has been amazing at overcoming it and put herself into therapy to learn ways to deal with it.

I don’t think her mother is a narcissist. I think she is very insecure and is jealous of those around her. She lashes out and is a miserable person. She has said very rude things about my mom because she is very close with my girlfriend.

This woman is a terrible excuse for a mother. She abandoned her and her siblings ( all under 10) with an alcoholic and drug addicted father because she no longer wanted that life. She was a teen mom and got married way too young. She started a new life with her now stepdad and only came back in their her life 4 years later when my girlfriends dad got sent to jail for nearly killing her brother. She actually said she didn’t want to ruin her perfect life and contemplated letting her kids become a ward of the state. She did take them and was very physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive growing up. Always putting them down, calling them names, never wanting to spend time with them, etc. She favored her other child over them. Her oldest brother cut her off when she started to babysit his grandkids ( little kids) and would cuss at them and be verbally abusive when they wouldn’t listen. She would call them stupid and threaten to hit them. She is a very hateful person and it’s hard to have a conversation because you never know if she will be nice or be mean. There is so much more but I won’t go into details about it all. [/quote]

Odds are your girlfriend's mother has abused herself as a child,  She also may have a mental illness. I'm not saying this to say you and your girlfriend need to have a relationship with her, but sometimes it helps to see the parent as the wounded and damaged person they are and not just as evil.

Because of the trauma and abuse your girlfriend experienced it's extremely important she  maintains going to therapy.  We tend to repeat patterns in the best defense against that is to be proactive one way of doing that is therapy the other is parenting classes. Tools like this will make your girlfriend more confident when she becomes a mother and in dealing with her own mother.

As for the relationship that's largely for your girlfriend to decide what kind of contact she wants with her mother. You can have more input when it comes to your kids for example you may decide together she's never to see your kids or you may decide she's never to be around the kids alone and there's only extremely limited contact like facetime.

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