Future FIL made derogatory comments about his son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:is he different than them? More arty or intellectual? Or less conventional? Less tidy?

Yes, they are all career military--went to Naval Academy or married into it. He did not go there for medical reasons. He is very smart though and independent--he is creative as well.

I think he was disappointed he couldn't go into military and it seems like he's left out because he didn't go. What's sad is he idolizes his dad and brother who did go.

Are you willing to deal with his emotional trauma for the rest of your life? This kind of trauma does not magically disappear, especially when his family members consider him to be a black sheep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did he say? How close is your fiance to his dad/family?

They seem pretty close. I am not sure what to make of this. I don't know if it says more about the FIL than my fiance.

Says more about FIL.

[Anonymous]

Pur yourself in his shoes. What would you want your fiancee to think if your family openly criticized you? You’d want them to stand up for them!

FIL: I’m dumping him on you.

You: Can’r wait! He’s the love of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pur yourself in his shoes. What would you want your fiancee to think if your family openly criticized you? You’d want them to stand up for them! Desc

FIL: I’m dumping him on you.

You: Can’r wait! He’s the love of my life.

This is how I felt when my control freak MIL would dump on my then fiancé. It was clear quite quickly that what she described as his difficult/stubborn/argumentative nature was instead a strong-willed, decent character that she disliked because he was not willing to follow her commands without complaint (unlike his younger brother, the golden child). We’ve been happily married for more than 20 years, and I’m glad I trusted my instincts over the jabs of this silly woman. You need to spend some time thinking about whether FILand SIL are toxic people who you don’t trust or whether they are raising issues that may be red flags. Don’t marry anyone who does not seem to be an excellent person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:seems like a joke to me...

I thought so until the future SIL chimed in and agreed. She says bad things about her kids though--i.e. make comments about appearance, etc. For example she said that her child had a gruesome face in a bday photo. She said another had chicken legs, etc.

I wasn't raised in a family like this.

His family actually seem very supportive and loyal but they talk a lot of crap about each other.

You sound very young OP, as "talking crap" about one other is the exact opposite of supportive & loyal.

Hope old are you?

[Anonymous]

* How

[Anonymous]

They have a very different sense of humor than you do. My family is close and would absolutely say all those things. JOKING.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend in college was a military kid, his dad a doctor.

He was working all week a regular job and then weekends to save $ for law school.

His dad made some mean comment about him going to Key West with friends for the weekend.

Something like if he wants to save for law school he can just be going off spending $ like this.

I said, I disagree I think he is extremely responsible and hard working and I think he deserves the werkend and have all the faith in the world hr will save the $ he needs. He’s already working 2 jobs, I think you need to encourage him more and criticize less.

You could hear a pin drop. About an hour later he said he had never had someone talk to him like that snd he liked it. Haha… he was a general or something i forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have a very different sense of humor than you do. My family is close and would absolutely say all those things. JOKING.

I understand you’re loyal to your fiance, but I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate the comments. Depending on tone and context, they could be interpreted in vastly different ways.

If spoken sincerely, and taken at face value, these comments could indicate a dysfunctional family dynamic and/or warnings of hidden character flaws in your fiance.

On the other hand, some of the most loving and loyal families I know delight in giving each other a hard time. Their fiercest digs are often aimed as counterpoint to the character traits most admired, with the knowledge that everyone present recognizes the absurdity of the statement (ex. calling a workaholic a slacker). Sometimes, they might actually pick on irritating qualities (let’s face it, nobody’s perfect), and the price the family exacts for putting up with something for years is to occasionally tease them about it (possibly with great exaggeration), knowing full well that their personal foibles are equally fair game.

Examine the tone of the exchange, other people’s reactions, and the general context. You’ve already said they seem very supportive and loyal, so I’m inclined to think this type of exchange is one the family consensus has deemed an acceptable way of showing affection. I suspect if there were real problems in the family relationships, you would have had some inkling long before you got engaged. I suggest you ask your fiancé what his take is on the conversation.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so sad. I was the scapegoat of my family for my whole life — everyone in the family would talk openly about what a wreck I was. Then I went away to college and discovered that none of that was actually true. Thank god my fiancé understood the dynamic.

I also come from a military family — naval academy etc — and narcissism and other issues can run rampant in this culture. Do some investigating, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Maybe they were joking.

2. Why do you seem so unfamiliar with your fiance's family. How long have you known your fiance? How much interaction have you had with his family?

Less than a year--I have interacted with them a lot but in a short period of time. There have been a few comments like this to me and now I am concerned.

WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK THEM WHAT THEY MEANT?
Well you better be glad you were warned. Sounds like there are some things you need to look into.
What is your fiancé’s relationship history, do you talk about how and why past ones ended?
What is his job history, does he jump around, not stable?
Does he live in his own?
What is his relationship like with his family???
Is he repent or go-dependent?

[Anonymous]

It's a freaking joke. Calm down

[Anonymous]

Warning sign imo

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a joke. Future SIL probably just thought it was inappropriate. I tend to say things very deadpan and unless you get my sense of humor, you’d think the same way as her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me so sad. I was the scapegoat of my family for my whole life — everyone in the family would talk openly about what a wreck I was. Then I went away to college and discovered that none of that was actually true. Thank god my fiancé understood the dynamic.

I also come from a military family — naval academy etc — and narcissism and other issues can run rampant in this culture. Do some investigating, OP.

BS. Don't blame your issues on military culture and make untrue statements. The military is a job, narcissism is a mental health disorder.