Online dating- how many first dates until you found the “one”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do recommend second dates. Sometimes you can meet a great guy, but there is not an initial spark, however, it can build over time and last.

Absolutely agree. I met a guy who was nice but didn’t feel a spark. He asked me on a second date and I gave it a shot and we clicked on the second date. I think we both felt a little more at ease. We’re married now!

For sure, and then some. If the other person has a serious problem, it might make sense to stop seeing them as soon as you discover that. But if you just "weren't feeling it" on the first date - or even the second or third date - you shoudl probably go out with them again. It can really take a while to develop a rapport. "Feeling it" and "sparks" right off the bat are terrible predictors of a good relationship. Many horrible relationships start that way, and many terrific relationships don't, and that's because they have nothing to do with whether it's a good match.

In fact, sometimes initial sparks indicate that it's a bad match. OP, it sounds like you're looking for the wrong indicators.

Can you explain?

DP here
For me, I learned really big sparks was my radar attracted to the dysfunction that I was used to. If they were emotionally or physically distance, I was CRAZY about them. Even if in the beginning they seemed very open, eventually I realized how emotionally distant they were. So the bigger the sparks, the worse they were for me.

With DH, there were some sparks, but I kept my eyes open. I was cautious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Feeling it" and "sparks" right off the bat are terrible predictors of a good relationship.

Yet “no spark” or “no chemistry” is the message you’ll get after countless first dates. Oh well!

TBH, I think the “no spark” line really just means the person isn’t attracted to you. I know everyone on DCUM is big on second and even third dates to find that elusive spark, but for me, if I didn’t even feel a modicum of attraction to the person after first meeting them, it was never going to happen - it’s just how I’m wired. No amount of great conversation ever changed that for me. Not saying the guy had to be actor-good looking, but there had to be a threshold level of attractiveness there. I stopped wasting guys’ time (and mine) on pointless second and third dates after I realized this fact about myself.

To answer your question OP, it took about 18 months of online dating in my mid 30s to find my husband. Not sure how many first dates, but a LOT.

[Anonymous]

OP, online dating can mean many things, from Tinder to Harmony.

[Anonymous]

Go out into the world and meet someone. Online dating is a petri dish of the recycled one nightstands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Feeling it" and "sparks" right off the bat are terrible predictors of a good relationship.

Yet “no spark” or “no chemistry” is the message you’ll get after countless first dates. Oh well!

TBH, I think the “no spark” line really just means the person isn’t attracted to you. I know everyone on DCUM is big on second and even third dates to find that elusive spark, but for me, if I didn’t even feel a modicum of attraction to the person after first meeting them, it was never going to happen - it’s just how I’m wired. No amount of great conversation ever changed that for me. Not saying the guy had to be actor-good looking, but there had to be a threshold level of attractiveness there. I stopped wasting guys’ time (and mine) on pointless second and third dates after I realized this fact about myself.

To answer your question OP, it took about 18 months of online dating in my mid 30s to find my husband. Not sure how many first dates, but a LOT.

+1M to the bolded part

If a dude is ugly inside and out, no need to dig deep and try to find gold that’s not there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. Went on a couple more dates this week, with many requests for more. It seems like it’s pretty easy to get like 200+ first dates via dating apps. I hope I can meet the right person soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Feeling it" and "sparks" right off the bat are terrible predictors of a good relationship.

Yet “no spark” or “no chemistry” is the message you’ll get after countless first dates. Oh well!

TBH, I think the “no spark” line really just means the person isn’t attracted to you. I know everyone on DCUM is big on second and even third dates to find that elusive spark, but for me, if I didn’t even feel a modicum of attraction to the person after first meeting them, it was never going to happen - it’s just how I’m wired. No amount of great conversation ever changed that for me. Not saying the guy had to be actor-good looking, but there had to be a threshold level of attractiveness there. I stopped wasting guys’ time (and mine) on pointless second and third dates after I realized this fact about myself.

To answer your question OP, it took about 18 months of online dating in my mid 30s to find my husband. Not sure how many first dates, but a LOT.

+1M to the bolded part

If a dude is ugly inside and out, no need to dig deep and try to find gold that’s not there.

OK, if you want to understand "sparks" to just mean that you find the person physically attractive, I guess you can, but that's not what it means. It means you feel some special excitement, a special kind of immediate connection. Yeah, physical attraction is part of it, but it's probably amped and the physical is just one component. A PP who talked about feeling sparks when the other person was distant is right on - that's often a trigger of sparks in the flirting game, and it's often a harbinger of a bad relationship (maybe an anxious-avoidant pairing). Another situation where sparks are bad is where one person is highly charismatic - which is often coupled with narcissism - or love bombs.

[Anonymous]

Mid-40s male. Memories slightly fuzzy on this but probably ~100 online first dates around ages 30-35 (and ~10 non-online first dates). ~20 I pursued a second date, ~10 accepted, only 2 or 3 went beyond that, and only one turned into a real relationship (my now wife).

Over the years of my teens and twenties I definitely often developed feelings for friends who I wasn't initially attracted to like that, and they "became" more physically attractive to me as I became attracted to the person as a whole, if that makes sense. But when you're cold dating someone from online then the bar is a bit higher / timeline is accelerated for those feelings to develop. That's the main downside to me of online. I'd have been willing to invest more subsequent dates and developed friendships with women I met online, but I think I was a bit of an outlier in that regard and generally that wasn't aligned with what others were looking for, so to pursue friendship with someone I liked but didn't see as a "relationship" path (serious or casual) seemed like it would just be misleading.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Actually, also 2 of the ~10 non-online dates turned into relationships as well... but only 1 of the ~100 online dates.

[Anonymous]

I've been online dating since 2011. May the odds be ever in your favor. The people who luck out after a couple of tries would have been just as lucky meeting in real life.