how nervous would this make your rising freshman son (14 year old)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're getting a lot of good advice. I think it is an anxiety-provoking situation, probably made worse by the pandemic and the long time he's had out of school.

I agree most with the suggestion to contact the coach and ask for a hand from an older student.

My child was in this situation, minus the pandemic. They had about two weeks of informal soccer practice before the preseason tryouts. He was extremely nervous, and didn't know a soul. It was hard, but the kids really bonded during that time. It will be great for your son if he can get out there. Good luck!

Maybe start small by having him just get out of the car and sit on the sidelines? Most HS sports parents will tell you as the PP did, that getting involved is sports and starting school already having connected with teammates goes far in reducing anxiety at the beginning of the school year. If he starts small by playing in this informal setting, it will be that much easier in the fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.
Thanks for all the thoughts.
He went to practice yesterday and watched from the car. There is another practice today and I think he's going to try and go. He is still scared.

I agree that this is not "normal".

He went to a therapist for anxiety in 3rd grade. Learned all sorts of coping techniques. Finished elementary and entered a large public middle school without issue and thrived. Then spent the past 15 months at home, only interacting within known kids (about 8 friends, and a sports team he has been on for several years).
School was entirely virtual except for 2 hours, twice a week for the past month. These hours in school (about 10 total this year) had no real social interaction with anyone he does not know well---kids are not allowed within 6 feet of each other.

I called up the therapist he saw as a 3rd grader and the practice is only seeing new kids if they are actively suicidal. I called a number of other practices and can't find anyone who is taking new kids. Talked to a few good friends and they report the same thing--calling and calling and coming up empty. It is really hard (impossible?)
to find a therapist who is taking child/teen patients now due to SO many kids needing help post-Covid. I was told that things are only getting worse for kids (in terms of mental health) as they re-engage with society. The fall-out is coming out.

Yes, so MANY people are needing therapy now. Is there anything he learned in 3rd grade therapy that can be applied here? Can you walk him through visualizing him going to this practice and it going smoothly? Can he see himself getting there 15 minutes early and saying to the coach "Hey, I'm Jason - I'm new to this school and really nervous about being here today."? Hopefully the coach can hear that and help smooth the way.

[Anonymous]

Not hard at all.

He actually did this.

Since my boys were small, I signed them up for a lot of camps and training where they knew nobody when they started.

They have also played for travel teams in different areas, being the complete new kid.

Due to all of this in their youth beginning at age 6, they are not intimidated at all (especially with sports) walking into situations where they don't know anyone.

They even did 2 International sports trips with kids from other parts of the US. We went, but did not stay in the dorms with them---they were on their own with coaches/chaperones while there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not hard at all.

He actually did this.

Since my boys were small, I signed them up for a lot of camps and training where they knew nobody when they started.

They have also played for travel teams in different areas, being the complete new kid.

Due to all of this in their youth beginning at age 6, they are not intimidated at all (especially with sports) walking into situations where they don't know anyone.

They even did 2 International sports trips with kids from other parts of the US. We went, but did not stay in the dorms with them---they were on their own with coaches/chaperones while there.

Wow aren't you lucky to never have to deal with a kid with clinical anxiety. Trust me when I say that what OP is going through would not have been smoothed over by have her son start sports earlier. It is a mental health problem.

[Anonymous]

I would understand the stress of this situation - especially after such a rough year. Good news is it sounds like he plays the sport and it's such a targeted group / activity.

My DS - also 14 - has always been a slow to adapt to new situations. we signed him up for a similar thing, for a number of reasons. He eased into it and it went ok. even reported - yes he communicated - that he had fun!
I hope it went ok for you son

[Anonymous]

My son would have gotten out of the car because it was a sport and not a meet and greet small talk gathering.
I would seek therapy and make him attend next time. Focus on the playing sports aspect don’t make it into a social thing when you talk it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son would have gotten out of the car because it was a sport and not a meet and greet small talk gathering.
I would seek therapy and make him attend next time. Focus on the playing sports aspect don’t make it into a social thing when you talk it up.

I'm not sure I would force him to attend but you might encourage him with the argument that it will be a lesson, like school. My son is much more hesitant to go to things that are not structured; if it's a structured practice or class he's usually ok although he's very hesitant to do other things in a group, especially if he doesn't know people. You know your son best though; if it's unusual behavior for him you might want to try to figure out exactly what is going on and maybe see if he would want to talk to anyone. I would see if it continues before you do that though, as it may just be related to the past year too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is entering a private high school and has the opportunity to practice several days per week this summer with the JV and Varsity teams for his sport (for fun).
He does not know anyone at the school. He is PETRIFIED of going as he feels 1) he knows no one 2) most of the kids wil know each other 3) most will be older (he's a rising freshman and they're rising Fr, So, Jr. and Sr).
We tried yesterday and he was losing his mind in fear. He couldn't get out of the car.

How easy (or hard) would this be for your kid?

My son has a lot of friends at this current school and on his current sports teams. He's a social, friendly kid. He's good at this sport.

I'm wondering how much of this is normal? Or how much of this is clinical anxiety. He has low level anxiety about anything new but this is next level. I wonder if it's exacerbated by Covid (he has been in virtual school at home for a year---seeing about 8 friends very regularly---so not isolated but not in a larger social setting).

Would your kid be able to do this without skipping a beat? Would it provoke some stress? Would he refuse to go?

Please be honest.

Thank you for any thoughts!

This seems like a little more than just routine stress about a new school. You might want to dig a little, see if there's something else going on.

[Anonymous]

My son would be horribly anxious and we would make him do it. That is how you deal with anxiety.

Beforehand, You talk about how normal it is to be nervous and how the worst part is taking the first step - getting out of the car and going.

If he refuses to get out of the car you say something like “I know you are nervous, but you can do this.” Repeat. And repeat again. Acknowledge the fear but encourage the right behavior.

[Anonymous]

My oldest, my son, would be exactly like this. He’s been nervous and said he’s not going to every first sports practice he’s ever been to. This includes the new season of a team he’s previously been on, with kids he knows already there. We have had screaming matches in parking lots. Not my finest parenting moments. He’s always had anxiety and went to therapy when he was younger. It didn’t help. We have to force him to try new things.

My younger child would be able to join without any issues at all. Kids are different.

I understand a little because I’ve always had a bit of social anxiety. I’d rather stay home than go to any new situation. I was the kid that cried all night before the first day of school. No therapy but I know as an adult I need to force myself or I would never do anything social.

[Anonymous]

OP - I hope things are going well for DC.

Like smug PP above our kids were placed in many new, varied activities including sleep away camps since the were ES. It makes no difference. All 3 handle new situations differently. One has anxiety issues and it is always hard. We started therapy now in prep for switching to HS, before there are any new manifestations of increased anxiety. I anticipate it will happen and hope to help DC get through it.

Good luck to DC. Hopefully once they start playing a sport they enjoy they can focus on the sport until they feel better about the social anxieties. Rooting for him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't normal.

he needs therapy. Don't make the mistake of thinking everything will be ok once school starts. You have a few months to get him help (therapy, maybe meds) before school starts. Use it wisely and give him the best chance to get off to a good start.

I've been where you are and didn't take it seriously and deeply regret it. Problem got a lot bigger.

I agree right down to the regret. Also we learned from an ER doctor that freshman year for boys is a time when mental health issues surface. If he’s having these issues with sports, you may be in for a huge problem when school starts.

[Anonymous]

Given that this is a private school, I would think they would be willing to a connect your son with couple of older boys or other incoming freshmen so he can know someone at the practices.

It’s easier when they’re younger and parents watch practices. My son’s sophomore year there was a freshman whose entire family came and watched the summer kick arounds—I think at one point the dad even joined the boys on the field—don’t do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son would be horribly anxious and we would make him do it. That is how you deal with anxiety.

Beforehand, You talk about how normal it is to be nervous and how the worst part is taking the first step - getting out of the car and going.

If he refuses to get out of the car you say something like “I know you are nervous, but you can do this.” Repeat. And repeat again. Acknowledge the fear but encourage the right behavior.

How do you make a 14 year old do it?

Do you physically remove him from the car? Drag him by the arm or shove him out and start driving?

I'm genuinely curious what you mean by this.

My son does not response to bribes or punishments. If he doesn't want to get out of the car (anxiety) he will not for any sum of money or material prize and also not for the punishment of losing his phone or computer for XX days or XX weeks.
He can verbalize 10 reasons why going to the practice is the best thing to do "i know I should do this and this is why.." but he won't get out.
He's a good kid and follows along 99% of the time. High straight A student, many friends. So it's rare that refuses anything.

But in this case are you suggesting I physically kick him out? I don't understand how people "can make" a 14 year old do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, good news is your son wants to and was able to get to the place! I would encourage him to bring a friend to join in... especially the first couple of times. DS15 goes to the pool only with a friend by his side, otherwise, he will not leave the house at all.

Except that OP specifically said he doesn't know anyone at this new school.