how nervous would this make your rising freshman son (14 year old)?

[Anonymous]

My son is entering a private high school and has the opportunity to practice several days per week this summer with the JV and Varsity teams for his sport (for fun).
He does not know anyone at the school. He is PETRIFIED of going as he feels 1) he knows no one 2) most of the kids wil know each other 3) most will be older (he's a rising freshman and they're rising Fr, So, Jr. and Sr).
We tried yesterday and he was losing his mind in fear. He couldn't get out of the car.

How easy (or hard) would this be for your kid?

My son has a lot of friends at this current school and on his current sports teams. He's a social, friendly kid. He's good at this sport.

I'm wondering how much of this is normal? Or how much of this is clinical anxiety. He has low level anxiety about anything new but this is next level. I wonder if it's exacerbated by Covid (he has been in virtual school at home for a year---seeing about 8 friends very regularly---so not isolated but not in a larger social setting).

Would your kid be able to do this without skipping a beat? Would it provoke some stress? Would he refuse to go?

Please be honest.

Thank you for any thoughts!

[Anonymous]

It would be stressful beforehand (manifested by being quiet, slightly irritable, slow to get out of car) but he would do it. And then after the first time probably be fine assuming nothing terrible happened.

[Anonymous]

Oh I am sorry to read this about your DS I also have a son 14. I think much of it has got to be Covid related. Mine will still barely leave the house.

I have no practical suggestions, just good wishes.

[Anonymous]

My kid with dx anxiety could not do this (better to start with 1 on 1).
My kid without anxiety would do it, but would be feeling nervous.

[Anonymous]

If 1 were refusing to get out of the car while crying and 10 was skipping away happily my son would be around 6-7. He knows he’s a likable kid, he knows he can make friends, he can play the sport and he knows the discomfort will be short-lived and will make starting school easier.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids would just because sports are involved. Change sports to anything else and she wouldn’t

[Anonymous]

My kid this age would be able to do it but I don't think the reaction you are describing is totally uncommon either Especially after the year they had. My kid who normally is I think exceptionally good about new situations balked at returning to the school in the spring a bit. Which was unlike him.

I definitely think you should think about a therapist. Anxiety is totally normal and common and can be overcome with some coping strategies.

I feel for him. It's hard. You sound like you're very supportive. You will sort it out. Anxiety is a part of life and it can be managed. I think the only mistake is ignoring it.

[Anonymous]

I always encouraged my kids to try especially in this no commitment situation. The pros: There won’t be a lot of time to chat, they will be kicking the ball around, etc. There will probably be other incoming Freshman participating in the same situation. This is a good opportunity to meet kids so on his first day of school, he will know some people. Worst case scenario, he hates it and doesn’t return for the rest of the practices. His inability to get out of the car would concern me about how he will handle this new school in September.

[Anonymous]

This would be easier for my 8th grader. He would be nervous, but he would do it. He is very social and can look at the bigger picture of things. My sophomore would freak out. He is super shy and has a small group of good friends which he doesn't stray from. When he gets anxious he cannot think about anything else, he focuses on the negatives and can't see the bigger picture.

[Anonymous]

Dd has social anxiety and she would have been exactly like your son before therapy and medication. Now she would do it, but it would still be difficult.

I get the impression that this is out of character for your son though. I would wonder if there is more going on here. Has he connected with anyone from the team or school through social media or groupme? I am just wondering if someone is not being kind or welcoming.

[Anonymous]

What does he say?

[Anonymous]

This isn't normal.

he needs therapy. Don't make the mistake of thinking everything will be ok once school starts. You have a few months to get him help (therapy, maybe meds) before school starts. Use it wisely and give him the best chance to get off to a good start.

I've been where you are and didn't take it seriously and deeply regret it. Problem got a lot bigger.

[Anonymous]

My DS15 had what I think is a similar experience when he started HS sports this year. He was doing school virtually, so when sports finally resumed it was his first in-person experience at the school and most of kids were older (non-freshmen). He was nervous at first but never said he didn't want to go or had trouble getting out of the car. He got more comfortable with other kids but still not chatty with them. His general anxiety never went away and kinda built up, I think due to everything going on in the past year. He did ask and take a week off from the sport because things were getting to him. And, he seems to want to withdraw from activities with his peers.

Like you, I'm concerned about DS's new level of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Op, good news is your son wants to and was able to get to the place! I would encourage him to bring a friend to join in... especially the first couple of times.
DS15 goes to the pool only with a friend by his side, otherwise, he will not leave the house at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is entering a private high school and has the opportunity to practice several days per week this summer with the JV and Varsity teams for his sport (for fun).
He does not know anyone at the school. He is PETRIFIED of going as he feels 1) he knows no one 2) most of the kids wil know each other 3) most will be older (he's a rising freshman and they're rising Fr, So, Jr. and Sr).
We tried yesterday and he was losing his mind in fear. He couldn't get out of the car.

How easy (or hard) would this be for your kid?

My son has a lot of friends at this current school and on his current sports teams. He's a social, friendly kid. He's good at this sport.

I'm wondering how much of this is normal? Or how much of this is clinical anxiety. He has low level anxiety about anything new but this is next level. I wonder if it's exacerbated by Covid (he has been in virtual school at home for a year---seeing about 8 friends very regularly---so not isolated but not in a larger social setting).

Would your kid be able to do this without skipping a beat? Would it provoke some stress? Would he refuse to go?

Please be honest.

Thank you for any thoughts!

Oh, OP I feel for your DS! I have a son that age as well. All of the statements and fears that he has expressed are absolutely true, and can be anxiety-producing in anyone. What I think is not normal is his response to that anxiety - refusing to go, staying in the car.

This response could very well be Covid-related as he (like all kids) has had a year where he did not have to face his fears and anxieties in a productive manner, and learn that he can work through them. This is example number 345,624,964 of how our kids have suffered developmentally through the last 18 months, even if we didn't necessarily see that reflected on a day-to-day basis.

If it were my son, I would try to recognize that his "coping muscle" has gone flabby and needs some work. Start putting him in situations that will require some effort and dealing with some stress, but maybe not to this level. Work him back into this gradually, but keep at it.