Has anyone left a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You go girl. That's how it's done.

It is hard to get primary custody. She is lucky.

DP that went through hell. I have sole.

It happens.

[Anonymous]

Yes, divorced with kids.

The negative is that we are still tied via the kids and he has made it as difficult as possible. He sees himself as the victim of everything and justifies his nastiness.

It was still worth it. It is so much better not being married to him. It's hard on the kids for sure. But staying meant, to a degree, validating how he treated them, which was impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.[b]

They will see it, in time. What they WONT See is you gaslighting for him and being his "Fluffer" ~ Making him and all of his BS and inadequacies and nastiness seem more okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and No.

DH was like that. I was fed up and told him I was done with the marriage and leaving. Then the strangest thing happened. He cried, begged and begged for days.

I gave him a second chance and he is pretty good after that.

Your DH isn't a narcissist then. Second chances don't make them better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is to go no contact. If there are kids involved, very low contact. Do not argue. Do not react to anything he says. Be flat. Look up gray rock. Narcissists don't care if you're loving or hateful, they love a reaction whether it's negative or positive. What you leave, don't offer up any information about your life. Keep communication as brief as possible.

None of this is easy, but you can do it.

+1000 Came here to post this.
The less engagement, the better. Set clear rules for yourself:
-Communicate in writing so that you have a trail
-Always wait at least 24 hours to respond to texts, emails.
-Let calls always go to voice Mail. Listen and decide when you will respond by text. Again, wait 24 hours.
-If a response can be said in 5’words, see if you can get it down to 3. Less is best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You are incredible! Good for you! I hope you have a life filled with happiness and peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is to go no contact. If there are kids involved, very low contact. Do not argue. Do not react to anything he says. Be flat. Look up gray rock. Narcissists don't care if you're loving or hateful, they love a reaction whether it's negative or positive. What you leave, don't offer up any information about your life. Keep communication as brief as possible.

None of this is easy, but you can do it.

+1000 Came here to post this.
The less engagement, the better. Set clear rules for yourself:
-Communicate in writing so that you have a trail
-Always wait at least 24 hours to respond to texts, emails.
-Let calls always go to voice Mail. Listen and decide when you will respond by text. Again, wait 24 hours.
-If a response can be said in 5’words, see if you can get it down to 3. Less is best.

Thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

It took me years to really get away from a narcissist. He wouldn't let me go. I had to essentially trick him into leaving me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left someone like this. But I do not think he was a narcissist. They are easier to divorce if you let them get their way...within reason. I did. I got less but it was worth it and he is easier to coparent with now. Fighting tooth and nail with someone like this is not worth it. What is worth it is getting out within reasonable fairness even if it was not completely fair. The divorce would have been bad if I did not do it the way I did it. It was a relatively ok divorce because I did not do it by fighting with the full force of the law. I got about 40% rather than 50% and an easier person to coparent with. It was worth it.

You might be surprised that he may be willing to do 50/50 with everything. Do not assume it is going to be a horrible fight. It might be but you have the power to control that to a degree. People have to know who they are divorcing and what their best outcome will be. Fighting tooth and nail--especially with this kind of person--is not worth it. Ask what they want. Go from there. I would try to do collaborative divorce. Mediation may not work well. It "worked" for me but I knew I was going to get less going in otherwise it was going to be an all-out war. My concern was having to coparent for many more years and that was a key factor in how I divorced.

It doesn't sound like yours was a true narcissist. A true narcissist would not remember or acknowledge that you took less than you deserved to were entitled to, they would accept the win and still give you hell as a co-parent, not remember that you did them a favor and behave accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left a narcissist. It was hell.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

I am sorry there’s more than one of him around.

Apparently there's a third, because this describes my husband to a T. Except for the secrecy bit.

I'm terrified to leave not only because of the ugly blowups it will entail, but because I make only 85K a year and don't know how I'll get by in this area on this salary.

My DH too. And also except the secrecy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me years to really get away from a narcissist. He wouldn't let me go. I had to essentially trick him into leaving me.

I am glad you did. How did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

I am sorry there’s more than one of him around.

Apparently there's a third, because this describes my husband to a T. Except for the secrecy bit.

I'm terrified to leave not only because of the ugly blowups it will entail, but because I make only 85K a year and don't know how I'll get by in this area on this salary.

My DH too. And also except the secrecy.

I am so sorry. How are you coping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You are incredible! Good for you! I hope you have a life filled with happiness and peace

Me too. Good luck to you lady. Congrats on being free of the craziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is to go no contact. If there are kids involved, very low contact. Do not argue. Do not react to anything he says. Be flat. Look up gray rock. Narcissists don't care if you're loving or hateful, they love a reaction whether it's negative or positive. What you leave, don't offer up any information about your life. Keep communication as brief as possible.

None of this is easy, but you can do it.

+1000 Came here to post this.
The less engagement, the better. Set clear rules for yourself:
-Communicate in writing so that you have a trail
-Always wait at least 24 hours to respond to texts, emails.
-Let calls always go to voice Mail. Listen and decide when you will respond by text. Again, wait 24 hours.
-If a response can be said in 5’words, see if you can get it down to 3. Less is best.

Thank you so much!

Great advice.