Has anyone left a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

This mostly describes mine too, he just walks around picking fights, I’m a hair away from filing but I fear the fallout so very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is to go no contact. If there are kids involved, very low contact. Do not argue. Do not react to anything he says. Be flat. Look up gray rock. Narcissists don't care if you're loving or hateful, they love a reaction whether it's negative or positive. What you leave, don't offer up any information about your life. Keep communication as brief as possible.

None of this is easy, but you can do it.

+1000 Came here to post this.
The less engagement, the better. Set clear rules for yourself:
-Communicate in writing so that you have a trail
-Always wait at least 24 hours to respond to texts, emails.
-Let calls always go to voice Mail. Listen and decide when you will respond by text. Again, wait 24 hours.
-If a response can be said in 5’words, see if you can get it down to 3. Less is best.

This is SO hard when you’re all living together in the same house. But I have to do this. It’s sad, but there’s no dinner conversations I’d we’re all together or chats when hiking (he insists on maintaining his external image) and the kids see him getting off the hook for all sorts of things (late, forgot, broke something, didn’t do something he said he would) in order to avoid his anger explosions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

Are you describing my husband?

I am sorry there’s more than one of him around.

Apparently there's a third, because this describes my husband to a T. Except for the secrecy bit.

I'm terrified to leave not only because of the ugly blowups it will entail, but because I make only 85K a year and don't know how I'll get by in this area on this salary.

My DH too. And also except the secrecy.

I am so sorry. How are you coping?

The hardest part for me is how he is with the kids, esp. our teen son. I'm hanging in there only because our son goes to college in the fall, so he will be escaping for the most part. I'm also hanging in there b/c he's not as bad with our 14 yo DD (at least yet) and leaving the only home she's ever known, as she's ready to start high school, would be really tough.

But if he starts his sh*t with her down the line, all bets are off. He has a track record of typical narcissist behavior with his kids (he has two older now-adult sons) when they start that stage of breaking away from Dad and no longer worshipping him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The key is to go no contact. If there are kids involved, very low contact. Do not argue. Do not react to anything he says. Be flat. Look up gray rock. Narcissists don't care if you're loving or hateful, they love a reaction whether it's negative or positive. What you leave, don't offer up any information about your life. Keep communication as brief as possible.

None of this is easy, but you can do it.

+1000 Came here to post this.
The less engagement, the better. Set clear rules for yourself:
-Communicate in writing so that you have a trail
-Always wait at least 24 hours to respond to texts, emails.
-Let calls always go to voice Mail. Listen and decide when you will respond by text. Again, wait 24 hours.
-If a response can be said in 5’words, see if you can get it down to 3. Less is best.

This is SO hard when you’re all living together in the same house. But I have to do this. It’s sad, but there’s no dinner conversations I’d we’re all together or chats when hiking (he insists on maintaining his external image) and the kids see him getting off the hook for all sorts of things (late, forgot, broke something, didn’t do something he said he would) in order to avoid his anger explosions.

Are you headed for a divorce? If not, and you're just maintaining for the kids or whatever, it's still the same idea. Your power is in not responding to his craziness. It will be very difficult as long as you're in the same home, but if one of you is planning to leave soon it sets the stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You go girl. That's how it's done.

It is hard to get primary custody. She is lucky.

It's not hard to get primary custody at all. Once you lay out what you do for the child(ren) vs what the other spouse does, it becomes very clear who is actually parenting. Plus, narcissists don't want to parent full-time, they just want to win. I think most judges can see right through that. The one handling my case did. It's harder to get sole custody because you have to basically prove the other parent is unfit. Primary custody (or primary residency) and sole custody are totally different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You go girl. That's how it's done.

It is hard to get primary custody. She is lucky.

It's not hard to get primary custody at all. Once you lay out what you do for the child(ren) vs what the other spouse does, it becomes very clear who is actually parenting. Plus, narcissists don't want to parent full-time, they just want to win. I think most judges can see right through that. The one handling my case did. It's harder to get sole custody because you have to basically prove the other parent is unfit. Primary custody (or primary residency) and sole custody are totally different.

If one parent really wants 50/50, it is really hard to fight it. That is my experience.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to everyone who replied to this chain. Its good to know I'm not alone with my asshole husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, but he weren't married. He lied about having a terminal illness. He was living a double life with another partner. It took me years to get over the feelings of betrayal, but it was obviously the right thing and I wish I'd done it sooner.

Wow. That is a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to everyone who replied to this chain. Its good to know I'm not alone with my asshole husband.

Me too. Appreciate any other tips or experiences everyone has