Has anyone left a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

I left a narcissist. It was hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

You are right! I caught one confirmed affair and evidence of another inappropriate relationship. I’ve been too scared to leave because it will be ugly. But then again, living like this is also horrible.

I don’t have a great support system because I am too private to discuss with friends and family.

So what therapy did he do after he was caught?

Did he want to change? He sounds like “not”. If there wasn’t serious individual therapy for him, severe remorse and a deep profound/want to change his way of coping/thinking and to align his values with actions/live authentically...he just might be a narcissist.

My spouse was a completely different person and threw himself into therapy after revealing the affair. So much happier, better with the kids, no flying off the handle or selfishness...our needs are always first now. If everything remained like it was and he was a prick—it would be over.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

Best way to deal with this type is to lie and make them think they are perfect and everyone else is nuts and of course their idea is the best. Then ignore. You have to throw them off your scent. They like a fresh kill beat to play dead and nonthreatening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

Best way to deal with this type is to lie and make them think they are perfect and everyone else is nuts and of course their idea is the best. Then ignore. You have to throw them off your scent. They like a fresh kill beat to play dead and nonthreatening.

True. One of my family members we used to vacation with would do this when conversations or accidents derailed thing. Just started asking him all about his powerful lucrative job or his beautiful new $1000 iPhone or some industry news article. The narc fell for it every day and wouldn’t shut up! Of course what he actually said would just repeat itself or be quite stale to anyone who reads a newspaper daily...

Everything to e narc suggested was DOA. It’s be total nonsense ideas, everyone would smile and say wow, then do nothing. And he would always do nothing. Like he expected everyone else to plan, buy, do everything for his nutjob thoughtless bad ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

You are right! I caught one confirmed affair and evidence of another inappropriate relationship. I’ve been too scared to leave because it will be ugly. But then again, living like this is also horrible.

I don’t have a great support system because I am too private to discuss with friends and family.

So what therapy did he do after he was caught?

Did he want to change? He sounds like “not”. If there wasn’t serious individual therapy for him, severe remorse and a deep profound/want to change his way of coping/thinking and to align his values with actions/live authentically...he just might be a narcissist.

My spouse was a completely different person and threw himself into therapy after revealing the affair. So much happier, better with the kids, no flying off the handle or selfishness...our needs are always first now. If everything remained like it was and he was a prick—it would be over.

Best of luck.

I think he was surprised I found out the first time. I insisted on a joint counseling session with him after D-day after I went alone. It was pretty useless, he just sat there with his arms crossed. Therapist noted he didn’t seem terribly cooperative or forthcoming with information. Impossible to get anything out of him. I stopped going with him after that. I don’t see a deep and profound desire to improve his relationship with me or the kids. Most days he floats in and out as he pleases. He will take naps as he pleases. Forget about helping with homework or teaching the kids his native language. He grumbles about taking the kids to their activities. He’s got a job that involves a lot of socializing so he always has a ready excuse if he does not feel like being home.I met with lawyers and have a few I can call but it’s complicated.

The second time - he doesn’t know that I know but once I pieced things together I knew something was amiss (seems like he went on a trip with her) when I was traveling with the kids. I thought it was useless to confront him so I didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

Best way to deal with this type is to lie and make them think they are perfect and everyone else is nuts and of course their idea is the best. Then ignore. You have to throw them off your scent. They like a fresh kill beat to play dead and nonthreatening.

True. One of my family members we used to vacation with would do this when conversations or accidents derailed thing. Just started asking him all about his powerful lucrative job or his beautiful new $1000 iPhone or some industry news article. The narc fell for it every day and wouldn’t shut up! Of course what he actually said would just repeat itself or be quite stale to anyone who reads a newspaper daily...

Everything to e narc suggested was DOA. It’s be total nonsense ideas, everyone would smile and say wow, then do nothing. And he would always do nothing. Like he expected everyone else to plan, buy, do everything for his nutjob thoughtless bad ideas.

So true, and yes it 100% works! Seamlessly, without fail, every single time. They just need to feel glorified. They often don’t even need the execution of their nonsense. Learning this saved what little of my sanity remained post-narc exposure. It is extra work but better than the alternative crazy-making train they’re happy to welcome you aboard if you attempt sensibility, and it makes it a little easier to partition the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Where to even begin? I fell like I have to constantly walk on eggshells with him. Never quite know what mood he will be in. Blows up at any perceived slight. Very self-centered, self-aggrandizing but really hiding a very fragile ego (as I’ve learned). Useless with kids though he had to convince me to have them! Secretive. Doesn’t believe he is accountable to anyone.

and...most likely he is having or had an affair. Goes with the territory of what you have described.

You are right! I caught one confirmed affair and evidence of another inappropriate relationship. I’ve been too scared to leave because it will be ugly. But then again, living like this is also horrible.

I don’t have a great support system because I am too private to discuss with friends and family.

So what therapy did he do after he was caught?

Did he want to change? He sounds like “not”. If there wasn’t serious individual therapy for him, severe remorse and a deep profound/want to change his way of coping/thinking and to align his values with actions/live authentically...he just might be a narcissist.

My spouse was a completely different person and threw himself into therapy after revealing the affair. So much happier, better with the kids, no flying off the handle or selfishness...our needs are always first now. If everything remained like it was and he was a prick—it would be over.

Best of luck.

I think he was surprised I found out the first time. I insisted on a joint counseling session with him after D-day after I went alone. It was pretty useless, he just sat there with his arms crossed. Therapist noted he didn’t seem terribly cooperative or forthcoming with information. Impossible to get anything out of him. I stopped going with him after that. I don’t see a deep and profound desire to improve his relationship with me or the kids. Most days he floats in and out as he pleases. He will take naps as he pleases. Forget about helping with homework or teaching the kids his native language. He grumbles about taking the kids to their activities. He’s got a job that involves a lot of socializing so he always has a ready excuse if he does not feel like being home.I met with lawyers and have a few I can call but it’s complicated.

The second time - he doesn’t know that I know but once I pieced things together I knew something was amiss (seems like he went on a trip with her) when I was traveling with the kids. I thought it was useless to confront him so I didn’t.

Yikes! I’m so sorry. Mine started individual therapy on his own initiative. I refused to do couples therapy with him. It sounds like he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. Classic narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissist is a word that gets thrown around a LOT. Some people are just egotistical and assholes. NPD is an actual diagnosis. Which are you dealing with?

exactly right. NPD is a dx and is a very, very uncommon one

[Anonymous]

Op, my heart goes out to you! Dr Ramani’s YouTube
Channel saved me, among other resources like One Moms Battle and recommend the book Splitting. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but for me it was almost a life and death situation. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

The key is to go no contact. If there are kids involved, very low contact. Do not argue. Do not react to anything he says. Be flat. Look up gray rock. Narcissists don't care if you're loving or hateful, they love a reaction whether it's negative or positive. What you leave, don't offer up any information about your life. Keep communication as brief as possible.

None of this is easy, but you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You go girl. That's how it's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t have kids he’ll find a new target after the divorce.

If you do have kids, he will use them as pawns to control you via custody, manipulation, hurt them. You will suffer post-separation abuse, but you can be ready for that.

Mine was a bipolar ASD narc spouse, fully diagnosed when he went in to the test to “show everyone he was perfect and everyone else is nuts.”

I am absolutely he will bankrupt me and be very uncooperative. And I feel he would continue to be the crap father he is. It breaks my heart that his own children will see how little he cares about them.

Yes, mine showed up to settlement two years after seperation with 200K in credit card debt, he very pointedly tried to bankrupt me despite his own high salary. He tried to have the kids and I evicted from our home (I make nearly 400K), he cancelled car insurance without warning, pillaged our 401K and kids bank accounts, lied about me and cut me off to his entire family (MY family for 15 years), friends, community. He tried to take full custody of our kids. He has charged me with contempt post divorce for calling him a douchebag. He demanded jail time.

In other words, it will suck. BUT, not seeing his disgusting self in my bathroom, or hearing him call me crazy, or the kids having to watch him verbally abuse me, or coming home to an angry drunk......all pretty amazing. Its the worst thing I've ever gone through and probably broke me forever in terms of trust and joy, but at least i"m free.

I have primary custody.

You go girl. That's how it's done.

It is hard to get primary custody. She is lucky.